tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36893784311861684402024-03-14T04:44:46.465-05:00Down That Forever RoadAshleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.comBlogger134125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-29722621696294369372017-09-25T12:23:00.001-05:002017-09-25T12:23:59.749-05:00Finalization DayFinalization day was so special for us, so we invited along one of my dearest friends who is also a photographer to capture the day. This friend has been there for us every step of the way, not only as a friend but also capturing our special moments.<br />
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When the judge announced that he granted the adoption and name change to be officially Benton, I about lost it. That is until Benton let out the cutest squeal of excitement. I think he was excited it was official as well! </div>
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These pictures were too cute not to share. So, here are a few from finalization day!<br />
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-761471310985961312017-09-01T19:33:00.002-05:002017-09-25T12:24:28.278-05:00Baby SullyFifteen days after my last blog post, you know the one 10 months ago, we were supposed to have a call with our adoption agency to hit pause and take a break. After 3 failed matches we needed time to heal before jumping back in.<br />
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That day, November 14, I was at work when our social worker's number popped up on my phone. I was in the middle of a work project so thought I would just call her back later. I was putting off having the call to go inactive as long as possible. Because as much as we needed to heal, my heart also broke at the thought of missing out on the baby that was meant to be ours. Less than 10 minutes later the agency number popped up, so I decided to answer and let them know we could chat later in the day.<br />
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I was not expecting the words on the other end of the phone. "Ashley, we have a healthy baby boy who was born two days ago. He is ready to be discharged from the hospital, and his birth mom has chosen you to be his parents. If you want to proceed you need to get here soon so he can be discharged."<br />
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In a moment of disbelief and shock I called M to get his thoughts - I mean, we were supposed to go inactive, not be leaving again to go meet a baby and birth mom. But, he didn't answer. I called him over and over and then texted over and over. He was at work and couldn't step away. When he finally called me back, he said yes, let's go. So, I called the agency back and things went in full speed after that. I had to print agreement papers at work, Marty came by my office to sign them. I faxed them back to the agency then started looking for flights to leave that night. Unfortunately, my boss wanted me to wait to leave so we could go over a few outstanding things before I left to potentially be gone months. So, I booked our flights to leave first thing the next morning. Then, we met at the bank at lunch time to wire the money to the agency and get notarized copies of some pieces we had to send. I went back to the office, met with boss, then went home. In a hurry I was washing baby clothes, packing bags, and making plans for our dog.<br />
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The next morning we left for the airport at 4am CST. We were nervous, excited, and scared. Thankfully we had a direct flight, so we didn't have to deal with crazy travel with all of the adrenaline we had going. We landed then drove straight to Target to buy a car seat, rock and play, and few other things we would need for our stay. When we left Target we went to the hospital to meet birth mom and the social worker.<br />
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When we got to the hospital we sat in the waiting room, well, waiting. First we waited on birth mom and social worker, then we waited on paperwork. While the social worker and hospital were working on papers, we sat with birth mom where we spent time telling her more about ourselves. She told us her older son helped pick us because we looked cool and did fun stuff like go to sporting events. She showed us pictures of the baby and her other son. The baby had dark hair and eyes and was biting his bottom lip in every picture. And just about the cutest thing I had ever seen!<br />
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After we chatted with birth mom, the social worker came out and birth mom went back to be with baby. This time, we went over paper work like power of attorney, etc. Then we went to a hospital room. And then . . .<br />
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Moments later birth mom rolled baby in to the room. And we got to meet him for the first time. He was even cuter in person! I stroked his face and arms, not wanting to pick him up and get too "lovey" in front of birth mom. But then she told us to pick him up. I said, "first let me give you a hug.". And there we stood embracing for quite a while, both of us with tears streaming down our faces. And M too.<br />
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I then picked up baby boy and started loving on him. Birth mom asked if we had a name picked out. I told her the name we had picked out, and she loved it. We all stayed together in the room for a little bit, and then she left. And there we were, just the three of us. M, me, and baby.<br />
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But, we had been here before. In a hospital with a baby boy. The difference this time was that we would be leaving with him because he was being discharged. However, birth mom could not sign consent until 9am the next day. So we risked taking him home and her not sign.<br />
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We stayed at the hospital for a few hours (we had been up since 3am that day), waiting on discharge paperwork and talking to nurses about his eating habits, diapers, etc. Once we got the discharge paperwork, we went to our hotel. With a BABY. I don't think I have ever seen M drive so slow in all my life. When we got to the hotel we settled in for our first night as a family of three. Still anxious for the next morning.<br />
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After a great first night we decided to sit in our hotel lobby sitting area to wait to hear from the attorney. At 9:22am, we got the call. She HAD SIGNED! Now we just had to wait out the 5 business day revocation period . . . that would be 5pm the day before Thanksgiving.<br />
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We were so nervous during that time period. The 5 business days ended up being 7 actual days This was the furthest we had made it in a match. But, we spent our time loving on baby, taking way too many pictures, and finding all of the closest Targets. Who knew we would need so many diapers and formula?!<br />
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Two days after consent signing, we received ICPC clearance from both states to travel home. But, we didn't want to leave until revocation was up. We still had 5 days to wait for that. But, good news was we had clearance to leave once Wednesday at 5pm came.<br />
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Our agency mentioned that birth mom wanted to get together with us before we left, which I had also mentioned to her in the hospital. So, we made plans to get together on Monday (yes, before revocation). When we met with her, we had the best time talking more and getting to know more about her story and her family. It was so nice to be able to share that time with her. She asked us when we were leaving, and we told her we were waiting until revocation was up. At that point, she said, "Don't stay here. Go home and spend Thanksgiving with your families. I am not changing my mind."<br />
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And so, we made plans to start the trek back home the next day. We split the trip up over two days and at exactly 5pm Wednesday, we pulled in our driveway and welcome home our baby.<br />
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Yes, we have a baby! The adoption is now finalized, and we are forever a family.<br />
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Our son is now nine months old. His hair is lighter, his eyes the brightest blue, and he still chews on his bottom lip/ He is the cutest thing I have ever seen!<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On the drive back home</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finalization Day</td></tr>
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-60606633163313044262016-10-30T17:08:00.001-05:002016-10-30T17:08:06.244-05:00GoneWell guys, 8 weeks we were matched this time. But now we are back to being a waiting family. I honestly don't know where to start with this one. The last few days have been a whirlwind.<br />
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On Tuesday (5 days ago) the birth mom texted that she was having contractions and going to the hospital. Being 28 weeks pregnant, I assumed it was Braxton Hicks. Not long after that text, less than hour, our agency called. I assumed they were just telling me the same news. Instead they were telling me they were going to send over the records from the birth mom's last two appointments, but also that there was a note on the records about there being a pregnancy complication related to the baby being at high risk for a lifelong disability/disabilities. The agency said to hold tight until she could get back to the doctor and go under more testing.<br />
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Less than hour after that called, the birth mom's mom called me and said they couldn't stop contractions and she was dilated 7cm. Baby was coming today at 28 weeks 5 days. I was trying to get in touch with our two contacts at the agency with no luck. And 30 minutes later, birth mom's mom called to say baby was here and sent me a picture! We were planning to start traveling to get our baby.<br />
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I finally got in touch with our agency, and they told us to stay put and not to travel until they could get a full medical report. This made sense with the concern of the disability, how early baby was born, and the drug exposure in utero. Unfortunately the social worker would not be able to go to the hospital until Wednesday. We spent that whole day on pins and needles, and finally late in the afternoon they said baby is showing the characteristics of the disability but they wanted to do some further testing to verify. My heart broke because we knew if baby did in fact have these disabilities, we are not equipped to take them on. I was texting birth mom and her mom trying to get information, but there's was conflicting. On Thursday morning the birth mom texted and said she found a different family that was on their way to the hospital now.<br />
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She didn't even give us the chance to get the full medical report before moving on to a new family who would take the baby regardless of the results. I understand her view, I do, but it was so hard to hear especially after we had formed such a great relationship over the last 8 weeks. She had skyped me in to one appointment to hear baby's heartbeat, she called me to tell me we were having a girl, she called and cried to me when she had personal issues, we texted daily getting to know each other, we stuck with her when it was revealed she was doing drugs we weren't previously made aware of, we were in this together. And then just like that, she was gone. Birth mom, baby, and our joy. Gone.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-43502734341080873992016-09-12T19:40:00.002-05:002016-09-12T19:40:50.802-05:00A Match!On Saturday, August 27, I was 8 hours from home in an Old Navy in Indianapolis buying jeans and a shirt to wear to the Colts' game that night. I was there for work to record a TV spot the next day with a Colts' player . . . I stay on the back side of the camera, ha. I had driven the last half of our trip that day, so I hadn't checked my phone in about 4 hours. I decided I should check my email while there in line. Since it was a Saturday I wasn't expecting much, but I had an email from our agency about an opportunity to be shown. This wasn't this first time to see one of these emails; some we said yes to but the birth family chose someone else, others we said no to because we weren't 100% certain with the situation presented. So I glanced through the email, forwarded to M, and sent him a text to check his email. Nothing out of the norm. Since it was time to pay, I decided I would look at it in a bit once my coworker and I got to dinner and a little more settled.<br />
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Easier said than done.<br />
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Throughout the mall I kept opening the email looking over the little bit of information I had. At some point in all of this I was texting M to see if there was anything about the opportunity that didn't sit well with him and I also noticed the birth mom's mom's name . . . it was also my mom's name. When I saw that, my heart skipped a bit. My mom's name isn't very common and I hadn't really seen it since she passed last year. I felt an immediate connection to this birth mom, not to mention her first name is also my middle name.<br />
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Still wanting to read through everything thoroughly, I waited until we got to dinner to discuss it with my co-worker. There were no red flags in this opportunity that we had seen in the others, the only concern being the revocation time period after BM signs. As we sat at that restaurant, my song for our adopted baby came on . . . "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri. And at that point I realized we were sitting on Georgia Street; Georgia the name we have had picked out for 4 years. It all seemed like it was meant to be. But, I didn't want to jump to a decision in just a short amount of time, even though we only had 36 hours to let them know if we wanted to be shown.<br />
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After dinner we walked back to our hotel and then to the Colts game. While at the game I couldn't help but think about this opportunity in front of us. So, I asked M once more what his thoughts were, why was I letting the revocation period be the only thing to hold me back? And with that I emailed our agency back to tell them we would like to be shown. At this point I decided I wouldn't tell anyone that we had agreed to be shown except for the co-worker I was with. Instead, I did some praying.<br />
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Fast forward six days, I hadn't heard anything from our agency in terms of when profiles were being shown and when the birth parents planned to make a decision since the baby wasn't due for 3 more months. So I decided to send them an email. Since it was Labor Day weekend I didn't plan to get a response that day, and I didn't. Four days letter we got an email that said they really liked our profile, but our worker wasn't sure when they would make a decision but she would ask for me.<br />
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Two hours later on September 6. we got THE call! This birth family picked us! I know my heart stopped when I saw the agency name on my phone. This was the first time they had called me in the almost two years since we have been waiting. But, here it was. We were matched. We had 48 hours to turn around our paperwork and our money if we were still in. Were we still in?? YES!! So I called M to tell him and he said multiple times, "Is this real?" We were both in shock!<br />
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Two days later on Thursday we got an email from the birth parent coordinator that said the birth mom wanted to have a call with us. What?! So soon, but yes let's talk. So on Friday we had about a 30 minute call with the birth mom that went so, so well. It was slow, easy conversation. She said she wants us in the room when she has the baby and is so thankful for us.<br />
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Are you kidding? We are so thankful for you. You are changing our lives in a way no one else can. How could we ever repay you? I don't think we can ever express our gratitude enough.<br />
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And so, here we are, Cautiously and excitedly expecting to bring home our long awaited baby in December of 2016!Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-22931161886992492772016-03-11T19:27:00.001-06:002016-03-11T20:10:55.694-06:00Heartbreak on RepeatNine days after my last post, so much changed. We got a call from our attorney that we were matched. Finally!! After 14 months of waiting, this was it. We would become Mom & Dad to a baby BOY! He was due in just 11 days. We quickly sprang in to action purchasing everything we would need to bring him home. We, and our families, were thrilled. Our prayers were being answered. <div><br></div><div>After days of prepping, we made travel arrangements. We found a hotel and planned to drive down the day before he was due. Then we got a call that baby was coming early (5 days early). We amped up our preparedness at work to be gone and adjusting travel. This was it!</div><div><br></div><div>We were still home when he was actually born. When the attorney called, she told us he had arrived but appeared to have medical issues with his kidneys and his size. He was looking at spending at least a month in NICU. But, this didn't matter to us. She told us to be on standby for more info on his health, but we were itching to leave. Unfortunately, his health wasn't the only concern. The birth mom was beginning to waiver in her decision. She was feeling guilty about his health, potentially brought on my her drug use. </div><div><br></div><div>Hours that felt like days passed before we heard anything else. She couldn't go through with it. We were crushed, sad, and mad. Within a week's time, we had gone from our highest high of recent to super low. </div><div><br></div><div>But, we trucked on, knowing that after the loss of Gentry and Savannah, and most recently my mom, that we would get through this too. We decided that we needed a mental break though, so we booked a vacation for our anniversary. </div><div><br></div><div>We booked a condo on the beach, just what we needed. A week to relax by the ocean. We didn't even care that it was cool out, that just meant almost no one was around. We had a peaceful beach that we didn't have to share with anyone. We had a great time visiting restaurants we had gone to on our honeymoon and not having any cares. Unfortunately, that only lasted for two days. On our third morning there, our vet called telling us that our dog wasn't eating and she was concerned. She advised us to come home, so we did. </div><div><br></div><div>Nine hours later, we picked up Bailey. I immediately knew it wasn't good. In the eleven years I had him, he had never looked like this. No looking up at me, no tail wagging, just a blank look in the distance. However, the vet said it was just a UTI and his diabetes. So we thought if we could get him to eat and get his insulin, he would be back to normal. It didn't go that way though. Two nights later, on our wedding anniversary, he passed away. Our sweet boy, our baby of eleven years was gone. </div><div><br></div><div>Two heartbreaks within 3 weeks of each other. Devastated. But again, we trucked on. </div><div><br></div><div>One month later, our attorney called again. Another match. Another baby boy. Born the day before. </div><div><br></div><div>Away we went making very quick travel plans and squaring away things at work. The next we woke up at 4am and hit the road to go get OUR SON. On the way down, the attorney let us know the birth mom would be signing papers at 1pm the next day. She just wanted to see us with the baby first. The 13 hour drive felt like an eternity. We finally made it and made plans to meet birth mom and baby the next day. </div><div><br></div><div>That's exactly what we did. We met the beautiful baby boy we intended to bring home. While tiny, just five pounds, he was perfect! However, his mom wanted to take another day before signing because he had come several weeks early, she wasn't ready. We respected her decision. </div><div><br></div><div>Assuring us she would still sign, we sat with his mom and her friend for about two hours getting to know one another. We hit it off so well. She wanted to go home to rest, so she signed papers to allow us to sit with the baby in NICU without her. So we spent the rest of the day with him. It was surreal. </div><div><br></div><div>The next day we checked in with our attorney and social worker, neither had heard from the birth mom to reschedule the consent signing. We didn't get too concerned because she reassured us the day before she would still be placing him with us. They finally got in touch with her, but she still wasn't ready. </div><div><br></div><div>This pattern went on for 7 days. Seven days we spent in a hotel, wondering if we would be coming home with our son or an empty car seat. Seven days alone in a city we didn't know. Seven days on edge everytime the phone made a noise. Seven days of constant prayer. <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">On the 7th day we met our attorney and social worker for lunch. They told us at this point we should just go home. Empty handed. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Our third heartbreak in two months. But, we trucked on. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Two weeks later was the anniversary of losing Gentry and Savannah. Our baby girls. Now gone for four years. How has it been that long? Four years of aching hearts. Four years of waiting for our rainbow. How long must we weather this storm?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">The same day of S&G's angelversary, Marty was laid off. One more setback. One more obstacle to overcome. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">And here we are, just trucking on. </span></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-73481444588535495702015-11-24T21:11:00.002-06:002015-11-24T21:11:11.905-06:00ChangesI think all of my last blog posts have been so far apart, that it is safe to say I am the worst blogger ever.<br />
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So much, yet so little, has changed in my life this year. I have documented my mom's battle with dementia and Alzheimer's on here over the years, and I so sad to say that 3 months ago my mom passed away. Ultimately it was a blood clot that caused her death, but I don't think it would have been much longer without the clot. She had become so ill that she had lost control of her bladder and bowels, that I was often on call to go to their house and help clean her up. It was awful to see her in that shape and being unable to communicate. I truly have a peace knowing that is no longer suffering, but I am still sad for me.<br />
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This week is especially hard for me with Thanksgiving and my birthday. Two big family centered events that I now have to face without my mom. Even though Mom hasn't been her self for years, the gaping hole in my heart and the empty chair at the table are things I just don't know how to cope with. No one can ever replace your mom. I am so thankful for our strong, tight relationship we had . . . even when times got tough and I wasn't sure what to do, I hope she knew how much I loved her. I will forever remember how her face would light up when she would see me, and though she couldn't speak, she would clap her hands together and have the biggest smile on her face.<br />
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Since she has passed I have some dreams about her that I want to remember, which is why I am sharing them here. My mom's favorite place to sit was in the backyard by the pool surrounded by her flowers. If I was in the pool, or even if no one was in it, she would open the door, smile and walk out to her swing. The night before her visitation I had a dream that I was sitting in her swing, and she opened the back door gave me her big smile and waved. Before I could tell her to join me, she turned her back and faded away. Seeing the joy on her face gave me the feeling that she was at peace, and I should be too.<br />
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The next dream I had was one where we were at a family function, and she was well. She was wearing one of her favorite dresses, that she wore to my cousin's wedding a few years ago. In this dream, she was completely able to communicate with me and we just stood in the middle of a room hugging and crying. She kept telling me she loved me and that things would be ok. It was completely random, yet comforting.<br />
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Most recently I had a dream, again she was well, that we were out shopping for baby items. We were at Target loading up on items to prepare for my journey to go get a baby. She was helping me pick out what we needed, what I could in the place we were traveling to, and just having a good time together. The night before I had the dream of my mom, I had a dream about our girls. I have NEVER had a dream about them. But in this one, they were dressed in white dresses with blue sashes wearing small flower crowns on their heads. One of the girls had curly, strawberry blonde hair and the other had straight light brown hair. I never could get a good look at their faces, but they would shyly look up towards me and giggle. In the almost four years since we lost Gentry and Savannah I have never dreamed of them, even though I have had friends dream of them. I pray they are with their Grandma, and the 3 of them are putting in a good word for us to get our Baby Sully.<br />
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On the adoption front, there have been some interesting things going on there - yet also nothing at all. In regards to our agency, as of 2 months ago our profile had been shown to almost 140 birth moms, but one has yet to select us the adoptive parents of their baby. Before my mom passed away, an acquaintance on facebook posted that an attorney was looking for adoptive families for a baby due in October. I decided to take a chance and contact the attorney. They called the day my mom passed away with an opportunity, which never panned out. I have had a few other calls from them as well, but again there, a birth mom has yet to select us.<br />
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So, we have been waiting with our agency for 14 months now. On average three-fourths of their placements happen with the first year. We are officially over the year mark, so we need to consider making profile changes and possibly opening up the drug use acceptable. I am torn on opening up the drug use; however, the longer we wait the more it becomes likely.<br />
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In other baby news, I was randomly messaged by a friend to see if we were still open to considering the use of a gestational surrogate because she knows of someone who wants to carry for us. WHAT?!?! This blew me away! Of course we would be open to that. The woman who has offered to carry just had a baby of her own and wouldn't be cleared to try until June, so I haven't made direct contact to her yet. However, we will be contacting her. We still have three frozen embryos we could try to use to have a baby. Could we possibly end up with 2 babies? A baby through adoption and a baby through surrogacy?! What a blessing it would be!<br />
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Please continue to pray for us as we wait on our precious gift, and pray for peace for my dad and me to get through the holidays without my mom.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-72502494220170935192015-04-24T21:09:00.001-05:002015-04-24T21:09:21.363-05:00UpdatesIt has been so long since my last post! Crazy how time flies by.<br />
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We have now been a waiting family for 7 months. Some days it feels like so much longer. At the 6 month mark we heard from our agency with an update on how many views our profile has had by birth mothers. We have been shown to 59 moms - almost 10 a month. My first thought was "great, so many opportunities." But the more I thought about it, I began to wonder why 59 moms didn't think we were worthy or a good fit for her baby. I know I am over thinking it, but waiting can make you do that. The good news is that the agency has a 75% placement rate between 3 and 12 months of activation. Only 20% take place between years 1 and 2. And the extremes are less than 3 months and more than 2 years. With those statistics it makes you think it could be soon. <br />
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We are continuing on with preparation for a baby. We now have a changing table, dresser, crib, crib mattress, mattress protector, bottles, diapers, diaper bag, hangers, and some clothes. I have picked out the carseat and stroller I want. Now we are working on nursery design and continuing research on everything else we need. What gives me anxiety is getting a call that could say "come tomorrow" - and I will be running around like a crazy person getting ready and crying happy tears.<br />
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My biggest battle has been guarding my heart. There is a fine line between preparing for the call and getting too excited. While I am hopeful and excited, I have to remind myself not get overly excited. If you go through the journey expecting the call and going overboard, the more you wait the more down you will become. I definitely have my down days where I wonder if a mom will ever select us and days where I miss S&G, but Marty and I are thankful to be surrounded by amazing friends, family, and co-workers who have been nothing but supportive on this journey.<br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-70107884367630295762014-11-20T21:27:00.000-06:002014-11-20T21:27:10.156-06:00A Waiting FamilyThe last week of September we officially became a waiting family with our agency. This is such an exciting time for us! And an anxious one as well! The first few weeks of being active, every time my phone would ring or vibrate my heart would stop. That got old quickly, ha! It seriously had me that on edge. Now that we have had time to get used to the waiting, it has been less about waiting to get the call and more about preparing for a baby. A few weeks ago we had the realization that if we were to get one of those calls that says travel within 24 hours to get your baby, we would be scrambling! We have a few things from when I was pregnant with the girls that we pulled out of the attic - swing, bouncy seat, etc. But, we have none of the true necessities. So what does that mean? It means I went in to full research mode!<br />
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Who knew there were SO many things to start considering?! Glass bottles vs plastic, cloth vs disposable diapers, wipes, formula, car seats, strollers, and the list goes on and on. I am really leaning towards glass bottles due to the plastic issues (I know all are BPA free, but still concerns there). In all of this I have come across so many sites that shame adoptive mothers for formula feeding, like we should all induce lactation or make home made formula. You can't win on the internet. "Oh good for you for adopting" . . . "oh, you are going to formula feed, shame on you.". Seriously?! Ok, I am rambling now, sorry. At least all of my research will have me semi-informed for when we get the call.<br />
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We have bought a crib and crib mattress. A local specialty baby store was having a closing/moving sale, so we got a great deal. We have yet to set it up. I have bedding and some art picked out, but waiting to purchase those while we are still raising money. I am going with a neutral design so that if a potential match were to fall through we wouldn't be stuck with a gender specific nursery, or a reminder of the baby we were planning to bring home. Once it is done, I will be sure to post photos. That has been one of my favorite parts of this process. There is so much HOPE that comes with planning for a baby. We have no idea how long we could be waiting, but just knowing that we WILL have a baby at some point is so exciting!<br />
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We continue to put our trust in His timing and plan while we wait. If you would like to see our profile video, click here: <a href="http://youtu.be/O6zeQwd1d70" target="_blank">Video Profile</a>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-38170695003678963282014-08-24T21:51:00.001-05:002014-08-24T21:51:47.346-05:00It is really happening!We are just one step away from being activated with the agency, and then we will start the waiting game!! The last step is making a video four profile. The agency shipped us the video equipment, and we should have it by Tuesday. We have to return it with footage within 14 days, and then they will put it together for us. After that our profile will begin being shown to birth parents! Wow!<div>
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I am at the point where I am really allowing myself to get excited on this journey, while still guarding my heart. There are times I can't believe this is really happening! My co-workers have been taking guesses on us receiving a boy or girl - most say girl. I have been looking at cribs and gender neutral nurseries. There are so many options I don't know how I will ever decide! It is surreal to allow myself to be so hopeful again. I know we still have a long road ahead, but I am trying not to think of what could go wrong. I feel like it is time for some good news for us, so hopefully we will get it sooner rather than later.</div>
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My co-workers have planned a fundraising party for us to take place in less than 2 weeks. We have been getting some really great items to raffle off, and there will also be a mystery beer bar. I just hope people show up! I really do feel that God will provide for us on this journey, one way or another. We have been so lucky to have raised over $4,000 so far. WOW! I never thought we would raise that much. We are so thankful to everyone who has so generously given. <a href="http://youcaring.com/babysully" target="_blank">youcaring.com/babysully</a></div>
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I plan to post again once we activate, if not before. Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers!</div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-8367282846825128142014-07-10T14:26:00.000-05:002014-07-10T14:39:29.116-05:00Adoption PicsWe took a break from all of our adoption paperwork, and that's A LOT of paperwork, to take some photos to announce we are adopting and also for our profile - to help make us look like fun parents to be. I LOVE how they turned out, so thought I would share a few here. We also went facebook public with the adoption. We received a ton of support and love. Plus, we were able to raise $510 within 24 hours on our site. It was amazing to see. We are blessed! <a href="http://youcaring.com/babysully" target="_blank">youcaring.com/babysully</a><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">We kind of like each other . . .. and are excited to be on this adventure!</td></tr>
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-88225720915711097182014-06-02T22:11:00.003-05:002014-06-02T22:11:52.921-05:00Home StudiesOur first home study meeting took place a little over a week ago and went really well! I love our social worker, she is so easy to talk to and made me feel at ease immediately. I feel really good heading in to the second meeting in a little less than 3 weeks. I am feeling very optimistic heading in to this adoption. I know it will be another test of our faith and patience, but I am trying not to get too stressed out (yet!). Just a few things left before our home studies will be done! So exciting.<br />
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I have to say I work with some really good people who are already planning an adoption fundraiser for us. As you probably know, adoption is not cheap, so any help we can get is greatly appreciated. I really love that my employees and co-workers have sprung in to action for us. Love them! We have also set us a fundraising site, so that anyone who wishes to donate can do so. It is still a work in progress, but here is what we have so far: <a href="https://www.youcaring.com/babysully" target="_blank">Baby Sully</a> .<br />
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Exciting things to come! Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-36728679059314998332014-04-13T23:01:00.001-05:002014-04-13T23:01:32.020-05:00Excited!So much excitement going on over here. <div><br></div><div>First thing, Marty got a new job! He was taking a break from applying when a recruiter for a large company called him. Within a few days he was hired. He starts next week, and we couldn't be more excited. It is an amazing opportunity for him/us - I am so proud!! </div><div><br></div><div>Secondly, we have applied for our home study. We are in the middle of all of the paperwork for our case worker, but we are actually doing this thing. We are beyond excited about this! We are meeting with our case worker the first weekend of May . . . it will be here before we know it. Hopefully we will be able to get the medical assessments, background checks, & fingerprints done by then. The sooner we get all of those back and complete the paperwork the sooner we are to a baby. Once the home study is done we will apply with the agency and begin building our profile with them. </div><div><br></div><div>Please keep us in your prayers for Marty's new job and the beginning of our adoption journey. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-40315443863663571122014-03-10T20:48:00.001-05:002014-03-10T20:48:48.485-05:00Updates<div>I <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">mentioned in the previous post being crazy busy, and that is no lie! Since my November post, I have traveled to St. Louis, Winnipeg, Las Vegas, & Longview for work, served 2 weeks of jury duty, turned 30, took on several new stores for work in Saint Louis, Louisville, & Indianapolis, traveled to Nashville for our 5th anniversary, gone to some concerts - Eric Church, Drake White, Craig Campbell, Zac Brown Band, & Travis Tritt, and been to a bunch of Grizzlies and Tigers basketball games. It has been crazy!! </span></div><div><br></div><div>In between all of that, Marty and I decided to proceed with adoption to grow our family! We decided to wait to get our tax return done to put that money in savings. Last week Marty wrecked his car, so now we are waiting to see what is going on with that. Hopefully we find out soon, so we can start our home study. So excited and so nervous at the same time!!! </div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">And the highlight aside from making that decision was meeting Giuliana & Bill Rancic. Marty and I have always joked that they are the rich version of us. They remind us so much of us. We have watched their show and cried through all of their ups and downs fertility treatments. I have always felt that G and I could be best friends. Seriously. I love her. She has been such an inspiration to me through our own journey. They shared their story with a group of us, and I was in tears. When I shared my story with Bill (G was talking to someone else), I felt like I was talking to a friend. He grabbed my arm and said "I am so sorry." Then asked if I needed a doctor recommendation and told me how much they loved their doctor in Denver. I could have died. I actually got to meet them!! Ahhh!!! It was probably the worst picture I have taken in my life, but oh well!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-VC389Bz_pdU/Ux5rfcKSoQI/AAAAAAAAAis/O3suqLazr0Y/s640/blogger-image--1033113064.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-VC389Bz_pdU/Ux5rfcKSoQI/AAAAAAAAAis/O3suqLazr0Y/s640/blogger-image--1033113064.jpg"></a></div><br><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-_ixBUkhFIsM/Ux5reBN__NI/AAAAAAAAAik/hJspHajIuTM/s640/blogger-image-1013141673.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-_ixBUkhFIsM/Ux5reBN__NI/AAAAAAAAAik/hJspHajIuTM/s640/blogger-image-1013141673.jpg"></a></div></div></div></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-16799909388761000842014-03-04T07:00:00.001-06:002014-03-04T07:00:56.672-06:00Two Years<div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I tried posting this on 2/26, let's try again!</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Life has been crazy busy lately, & I will update later.</span></div><div><br></div><div>Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of losing Gentry, today the 2 year for Savannah. I can't believe time has gone by so quickly. To think that if they were here I would have 2 year old twins blows my mind! To celebrate the girls' birthdays we went to the cemetery with my parents & released two purple balloons for Gentry and 2 pink balloons for Savannah. It was a beautiful warm, sunny February day. There is something about releasing those balloons and watching them float to the sky. I don't think words can describe it - it is freeing, beautiful, & sad all in one. I pray my girls always know how much I love them! Happy Birthday Mommy's Sweet Angels! </div><div><br></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-8ZRd1ndIyXI/UxXOhnUmHRI/AAAAAAAAAiQ/9xz87kBmEkQ/s640/blogger-image-91760575.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-8ZRd1ndIyXI/UxXOhnUmHRI/AAAAAAAAAiQ/9xz87kBmEkQ/s640/blogger-image-91760575.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ILie7g1qCGs/UxXOg7oCGNI/AAAAAAAAAiI/NYi2oVrW5kk/s640/blogger-image--1809513952.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-ILie7g1qCGs/UxXOg7oCGNI/AAAAAAAAAiI/NYi2oVrW5kk/s640/blogger-image--1809513952.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-dVeF9myiyJQ/Uw69Pgz7i9I/AAAAAAAAAh0/PWRbOxYGAXE/s640/blogger-image-2084764082.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-dVeF9myiyJQ/Uw69Pgz7i9I/AAAAAAAAAh0/PWRbOxYGAXE/s640/blogger-image-2084764082.jpg"></a></div><br></div><br></div><br></div><br></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-69945004839529267922013-11-01T10:17:00.000-05:002014-03-04T07:03:16.183-06:00Hello, November!I can't believe it is November, and it has been months since I last blogged! I am loving the trees changing colors and all things pumpkin flavored, now if the weather could just stay cool I would be happy.<br>
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I made it through Halloween, yay! A friend blogged yesterday about how Halloween is a hard holiday for a bereaved parent - and it is. My facebook and instagram feeds were full of cute babies in their costumes. Each post was a reminder of who should be here and what we are missing. On top of the cuteness overload, Halloween was the date of our embryo transfer with Gentry and Savannah. Halloween is officially the day I got pregnant . . . sounds like it could be a wild, drunken story, ha! Our girls will also be my pumpkins because of this. On top of already being down, everyone in my department left early so they could go get their kids ready to trick or treat. I was the only one left in my department, and it was such a lonely feeling. I am looking forward to the year we can have a cutie of our own to dress up, and it not be such a sad day.<br>
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Time for Updates:<br>
Marty took the job that offered less pay. It has been an adjustment for us, but I think we are doing just fine. I am just thankful he is working.<br>
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I got a promotion (yay!). I am now Marketing Manager for our company. So excited! <br>
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My parents decided to hold off on building a house and having us move in with them. We had gone so far as to select a builder and a lot to build on, but I think it was too much change for my mom. They have lived in their house for so long, I don't know that they will ever leave. Although I do think they are going to need us living with them at some point. But for now we are staying in our house.<br>
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I am supposed to have a call today or early next week with an attorney to discuss some options regarding adoption through her as opposed to an agency. I am also going to ask about the gestational surrogacy process in our state, just in case the perfect person is found. I am pretty excited to get the ball moving on something. It may be a few months out so we can have time to save more money, and maybe find Marty a better paying job. But, at least we are getting our information together.<br>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">S&G's Fall Flowers</td></tr>
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<br>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-75466988247816046642013-08-28T10:17:00.002-05:002013-08-28T10:17:41.259-05:00UpdatesThe past few months have been crazy I tell you! Trying to decide next steps to baby, then Marty losing his jobe, and my parents putting their house on the market to find something large enough for us all. As one of my friends recently told me, "Every time I talk to you these days there is a life changing update." That's how I feel, my life has changed so much since our appointment in Atlanta and continues to be ever changing. So here are the updates:<div>
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1) Next Baby Steps</div>
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I don't think I ever posted this here. But after the appointment in Atlanta, several talks (with A LOT of people), and lots of prayer. Marty and I decided to pursue adoption to have more babies. We had even been talking to an agency and home study agent. No paperwork was filled out because we wanted to save money and pay off some debt before going any further. So, we were quite excited and doing well with that decision . . . .until he lost his job. As you probably know, they don't just let anyone adopt a baby. One of the many criteria is that you have to have steady income. Well, with Marty not having a job that kind of takes us out the pool. We still want to pursue adoption, but for now it is even more on hold than before. At least until he can find another job and be there long enough to prove the "steadiness". </div>
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We will still be keeping our 3 embryos frozen in the chance that the right person comes along to be a carrier for us. But for now, we don't have that person and don't want to go through a surrogacy agency. This was one of the deciding factors in deciding on adoption. </div>
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2) Marty Needs a Job</div>
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It has been almost a month now that Marty has been unemployed. It seems like he applied for over 100 jobs, with no call backs. Thankfully, this week the phone started to ring. He had an interview yesterday and was offered the job. But, it would be a 50% pay decrease. It is better than nothing of course, but he wants to keep his option open. He told them he would let them know by Friday. He has a phone interview with another company today (yay!) and another interview on Friday. Maybe between the three of those one will work out. None of them are his "dream job" or in a dream field, but again, we just need him to be working so we can get us a baby =)</div>
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3) Moving In with Mom & Dad</div>
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My parents had an appointment with an agent to come see their house to see what they would need to update, list price, etc. But a crazy thing happened. The agent had a couple in need of a wheelchair home who hadn't been able to find anything . .. until my parent's house. Being that my dad has been in a wheelchair for 30+ years, their house is completely wheelchair accessible. So, the couple saw my parents house THE SAME DAY! And, they loved it and want it. Isn't that wild?! Of all of the agent out there, this one had a family who needed a house just like my parents.So, now they are waiting on the guy to get all of his approval from the VA to move forward. My parents (and me & Marty) have started the house hunt. </div>
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So there are the updates on our ever changing lives. </div>
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-37126497018784143232013-08-14T23:35:00.001-05:002013-08-14T23:35:47.099-05:00Weight of the WorldLately I have been feeling as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. For starters, now that Marty doesn't have a job, we are solely relying on my income. He was making almost double what I make, so it is quite a big loss. It has been two weeks now with no leads. He has applied for a lot of jobs, but hasn't heard back on any of them. On top of that, my parents have been needing more and more at their house. Doing little things like heating their dinner, changing lightbulbs, doing laundry. Nothing too taxing, but after working a full time I help them then do all the same at our house. And because of all of this, we have to put any baby plans on hold. For the past 3.5 years I have been doing something to try to become a mom. Now it has all come to a halt.<br />
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My parents are also looking to move soon, and they are looking at houses large enough we could move in with them. This would help a lot, as I am increasingly helping them out at their current home already. But this makes me feel bad for Marty. Here we are younger than 30 looking at moving in with my parents to help take care of them. Not the life he imagined I am sure. He has been nothing but supportive of the idea, but I do know it isn't the dream situation. <br />
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All of these things led to a mini meltdown on Sunday. I was tired emotionally, physically, & mentally. But one thing I know for sure is we are strong as a couple, and I have no doubt that each of these curve balls life is throwing at us is only deepening our bond. And in the long run, they will reveal a piece of God's plan for us. I am trying to view the loss of Marty's job as a blessing, a chance to move to a company and position where he will be happy. Moving in with my parents (if it happens) will allow us more time to spend with them and help us save for our next steps to bringing home a baby. Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-10682188117371244092013-08-05T18:31:00.001-05:002013-08-05T18:31:44.073-05:00When It Rains . . .Well, you know the rest . . . it pours. Just when we were figuring out our next steps to baby, Marty lost his job. This happened last week, so I haven't yet reached full panic state yet. I am trying to think this will be better in the long run, to give him the chance to get in a field where he will be happy. If you will, please pray for him (and us). Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-32537203533523441042013-07-19T22:06:00.001-05:002013-07-19T22:06:17.185-05:00Due Date AnniversaryYesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date. <br />
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Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me. <br />
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Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own office. <br />
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Then today a company wide email went out from C telling us announcing an employee had a baby this morning, including a photo of the baby girl. And, one of my boss's wife had their baby about an hour ago. I am so happy for both of them, but it also makes me so sad. <br />
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This week I can't quit thinking about how my girls should be celebrating their first birthday, and I imagine what kind of theme I would have had. I wonder what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, & what their laughs would sound like. It is crazy to know that had everything gone right I would have two one year old daughters right now. <br />
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But, here I am trying so hard to let go of what "should be" so that we can move forward and try to figure out how we can get Savannah & Gentry a baby sibling. <br />
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I love you, S&G! Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-85615359740673830572013-07-08T21:45:00.001-05:002013-07-08T21:45:39.972-05:00Decisions, decisions<br />
We are still in the decision making process about what to do next. I am about 70% sure I don't want to do another FET, but don't want to say I have counted it out completely. <br />
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We have been researching adoption more and more. It is such a detailed process, I want to have most of my bases covered before we dive in to anything. It is an exciting, but intimidating process to think about! <br />
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We also haven't take surrogacy off of the table yet either. For us to pursue that, we would really have to find the right person. I don't know that I would want to use an agency, due to the cost. Oddly enough, today at the printer I was talking to my boss's assistant (T) about trying to decide what to do. She has mentioned trying to be a surrogate before, but today she told me she asked her son what his opinion is on it. Apparently, she is really serious about this. But, she is close to mid-40s and newly single after a divorce. I don't know if it's the right time in her life. I was talking to another co-worker about it, and she told me that T is dead serious about it because she has talked to the rest of the girls in the office about it. It would be an amazing gift, but again I don't know if the timing is right for her. (I know she is the one who brought it up, but don't think she is thinking about day to day life, just the end process of me being a mommy.)<br />
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Grief wise I have really been pretty well. I still miss my baby girls so much, but I have been feeling pretty good. Until the 4th of July. We went to Marty's family reunion that day, where I met a ton of people I had never seen before (big family). His mom introduced me to one if her cousins , and he told her it was time for grandchildren. Marty and I just said "one day". He went on and on about it and how he thought we should have twins. It took every ounce of strength in me not to shout "We already have twins!" But, not wanting to be socially awkward I just smiled and nodded. I wanted to fall down and cry right there. Those unexpected moments are what hurt the most. <br />
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So, for now we are praying on our options and clarity on which direction to go. <br />
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Written on my phone - apologize for any and all errors.<br />
Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-41412950579528833262013-07-01T12:13:00.002-05:002013-07-01T12:13:39.371-05:00Next StepsWe had our appointment with the new doctor in Atlanta on Friday. I really liked the doctor and his staff. They were so friendly and full of personality. I was so excited as we sat in the waiting room. But once we left, I was as confused as ever.<br />
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In short, he told me there would be no reason to do a FET with him because his protocol varies only slightly from our current doctor. Exact same meds, only difference is the timing of them. He said all things considered with a single transfer we are looking at about a 33% chance of getting pregnant from a FET. He thinks he could be done using the 3 frozen embryos we have, but that I should be prepared for a difficult pregnancy given my history.<br />
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I asked him about using a carrier, but he didn't seem to think that was a good idea based on cost, psychological effects, etc. Didn't offer an opinion on adoption. But, I feel like by telling me to prepare for a difficult pregnancy he was cautioning me against getting pregnant.<br />
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So now, the adoption research gets serious. So far I have only talked to one agency and one licensed person for a home study. I am going to continue to research adoption agencies, if anyone reading this has any suggestions I would love to hear them.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-83409470571694900412013-06-11T16:34:00.002-05:002013-06-11T16:34:52.857-05:00Moments<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ReLgNifD-Fk/UbeX6Nyo1SI/AAAAAAAAAeE/Wr3hhxzc_XQ/s1600/421621_10100605484426540_1834025676_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ReLgNifD-Fk/UbeX6Nyo1SI/AAAAAAAAAeE/Wr3hhxzc_XQ/s200/421621_10100605484426540_1834025676_n.jpg" width="200" /></a>My niece who lives out of town has been visiting for the last few days. And boy does she keep you on your toes. A ball of energy for sure. But, I wouldn't change a thing about her! We spent Saturday at my parent's pool, and she came home with me after. To say I was exhausted was an understatement. When she came over the first thing she asked was why we have so much baby stuff in our house. I guess being so young she had forgotten about the girls in the last year. So, I told her that all of the baby things were for our twin girls that we had been expecting. She said "You were going to have twins?". I told her yes, and she quickly moved on to the TV and the Disney Channel. I left her on the couch while I hopped in the shower.She was asleep by the time I got out, so I laid in my bed and caught up on emails.She woke up and joined me on the bed.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mvw7QhDb0j0/UbeX52b_cZI/AAAAAAAAAeA/OHMAnNnPyBA/s1600/424664_10100603128313210_2108534300_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mvw7QhDb0j0/UbeX52b_cZI/AAAAAAAAAeA/OHMAnNnPyBA/s320/424664_10100603128313210_2108534300_n.jpg" width="320" /></a>As we lay there curled up watching Disney, she started asking questions about the girls. She asked if they died in my stomach or after? Did I have them in the hospital or at home? What exactly happened to them? What were their names? Did I have pictures of them? What did they look like? Were they cute? And on and on. Honestly, it was the best conversation I have had about Savannah and Gentry aside from those with Marty. The innocence and genuine concern for me and the girls was just the sweetest. Amazing that I am surrounded by so many friends and family members and none of them have ever asked so many questions about S & G, or my feelings about them. Leave it to an 8 year old who has no edit button (because she also told me my fat roll must be because of the babies) to give me the most sincere conversation about my daughters. It was a great moment, one she will probably not remember, but it will always stick with me.<br />
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Marty and I took her to dinner that night, and she told him that I told her about the girls and that is why we have so many owls in our house. It was pretty cute. She went to church with us Sunday morning too. The whole time she stayed curled up to me. She continually looked up to me with her big blue eyes and smiled. Having those sweet moments and spending so much time with her just reminded me that everything I am going through to try to have more babies will be worth it in the end. Honestly, those mom type moments with her this weekend made my heart feel so full, I know I am meant to a mom one day, one way or another.<br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-69757783132145910262013-06-05T09:40:00.002-05:002013-06-05T09:40:28.614-05:00EmotionsAfter the loss of our girls and riding the infertility roller coaster I have become a much, much more emotional person. I used to never cry, unless really mad or hurt. But now just about everything makes me cry. Before this, I could cope better with the things going on in my life, now I fall apart easily. Prime example being on Memorial Day weekend when we went to Missouri to visit my dad's side of the family.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UOMBZqZ9P1w/Ua9NPSHduDI/AAAAAAAAAdo/XyGFhBM8Qsc/s1600/580417_10100596336623810_1516729715_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-UOMBZqZ9P1w/Ua9NPSHduDI/AAAAAAAAAdo/XyGFhBM8Qsc/s320/580417_10100596336623810_1516729715_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My Brother and Dad</td></tr>
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I don't know if I ever mentioned it before, but I have two half brothers who suffer from strokes. One of my brothers is losing his eyesight. The other is in a nursing home and has been for probably 10 years or so. He can't talk; he tries but it only comes out as noises. We have no idea what he is trying to say. This has always made me sad, but when we visited him a few weeks ago I just couldn't keep it together. Maybe it was because Marty was there, and normally it's just me and my parents. In those situations I feel like I need to be the strong one. Despite the 13 year age difference between the two of us, we were always close. My parents talk about how my mom had to stay in the hospital additional days after I was born, so my dad and brother took care of me. My dad would wake him up every time I needed to be fed and my brother would feed me. At 13, he had that much love for me. (side note: my dad is paralyzed so he couldn't feed me). Anyway, when we went to visit him he wasn't expecting to see me, When he saw me, his face lit up brighter than a Christmas tree and he reached out his one mobile arm for me. I fell into his arms and he wouldn't let me go. It was the sweetest thing. Then as we were all sitting around in the day room of the nursing home, he just decided to roll his wheelchair out. We thought he was going to smoke. I went walking down the hall towards the smoking area, but he was coming back towards me. When we met, he handed me a picture frame turned upside down. When I flipped it over there was a picture of me from my wedding day. I about fell apart right there, but he kept holding up one finger to his lips telling me to keep quiet. I don't know why I was so emotionally struck, but maybe it was because I had never seen a photo of me in his room before. It was just so heartbreaking, my big brother not able to communicate with me, but saying so much in that moment. When it was time to go, I just broke down walking down the hall with Marty's arm around me.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LYb0YuWz8Z8/Ua9Nl9JdnfI/AAAAAAAAAdw/B7RsMqE0QFk/s1600/555991_10100491408849910_865840302_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-LYb0YuWz8Z8/Ua9Nl9JdnfI/AAAAAAAAAdw/B7RsMqE0QFk/s200/555991_10100491408849910_865840302_n.jpg" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and My Brothers Years Ago</td></tr>
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Before the visit at the nursing home we went to lunch with my parents, oldest brother, his wife, my niece, a bunch of cousins, and aunts and uncles.But there we were at lunch with my one cousin who has twin boys, a glaring reminder of our twin girls missing from the family lunch. Another cousin who has a 3 year old, 1 year, and his wife expecting their third. A reminder of my infertility. There was my mom whose dementia was flaring up that day, breaking my heart because I miss being able to have a normal conversation with my mom. There was my cousin who lost her one day old son in October and who is now doing IVF to have another baby, my heart aches for her. All of these things were breaking my heart, yet the love I have for all of these people was holding it together. Reflecting on that on the drive home once again had me in tears, there I was being all sappy and emotional again.<br />
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Some times I am still taken by surprise when I have these emotional breakdowns. It's amazing how two little girls and infertility have changed me. I am not as strong as I thought I was before. I think it's a good thing. Because despite the sadness and weakness, I do love and laugh harder too.<br />
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<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-54145122790896318472013-05-17T08:38:00.001-05:002013-05-17T08:38:21.325-05:00Friday FunIt seems as though all of latest posts have been "negative Nancy", so I thought I would post about some of the fun stuff I have been up to, mostly pictures.<br />
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Before we started the last FET, we took a vacation to Orlando and Key West. Key West is the most beautiful place I have even been, and I am ready to go back! In Orlando, we saw our U of M Tiger basketball team play UCF, saw our Memphis Grizzlies (NBA) play the Orlando magic, took in some Braves Spring Training, and went to the Plant City Strawberry Festival where we got to meet Dwight Yoakam. You can imagine after all of that I was ready for some relaxation in Key West. It was pretty chilly there this year, so we didn't get to swim or layout, but it was still beautiful.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JWGiZAgZMKw/UZYvuY15NhI/AAAAAAAAAbg/ij89NrZ6n5E/s1600/484206_10100512098807070_1250289902_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-JWGiZAgZMKw/UZYvuY15NhI/AAAAAAAAAbg/ij89NrZ6n5E/s320/484206_10100512098807070_1250289902_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Key West Sunset from our Hotel Pier</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Zlfuidp6Vk/UZYvurfK9BI/AAAAAAAAAbk/H7nAIEKaLFY/s1600/1821_10100514777424100_1384584117_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7Zlfuidp6Vk/UZYvurfK9BI/AAAAAAAAAbk/H7nAIEKaLFY/s320/1821_10100514777424100_1384584117_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Braves Spring Training</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-C9k6sZpqbOM/UZYvvF60P4I/AAAAAAAAAbw/nuctyeP0wSA/s1600/537470_10100514792768350_331935147_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="238" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-C9k6sZpqbOM/UZYvvF60P4I/AAAAAAAAAbw/nuctyeP0wSA/s320/537470_10100514792768350_331935147_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me & Dwight Yoakam</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8eW28Pwb2nI/UZYvvIA_f5I/AAAAAAAAAb0/-VwMQirna6A/s1600/541549_10100514782114700_464369614_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="251" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-8eW28Pwb2nI/UZYvvIA_f5I/AAAAAAAAAb0/-VwMQirna6A/s320/541549_10100514782114700_464369614_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Key West Southernmost Point</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S-GMIE-fLS4/UZYvvVm1JaI/AAAAAAAAAb4/4D0wXJDOsj8/s1600/559788_10100513742887320_1117185557_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-S-GMIE-fLS4/UZYvvVm1JaI/AAAAAAAAAb4/4D0wXJDOsj8/s320/559788_10100513742887320_1117185557_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">On a Boat in Key West</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hnvwpnjxjg8/UZYvvwCi2MI/AAAAAAAAAb8/61QKE_LkfjY/s1600/598855_10100514781900130_1118312575_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="236" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hnvwpnjxjg8/UZYvvwCi2MI/AAAAAAAAAb8/61QKE_LkfjY/s320/598855_10100514781900130_1118312575_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">View from our Hotel Balcony</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vOXeAklwONk/UZYvySXq0OI/AAAAAAAAAcI/9TzHh0f6lLE/s1600/64171_10100514792623640_1563321277_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="229" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vOXeAklwONk/UZYvySXq0OI/AAAAAAAAAcI/9TzHh0f6lLE/s320/64171_10100514792623640_1563321277_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Marty & Dwight Yoakam</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Strawberry Shortcake at Strawberry Festival</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Chocolate Dipped Key Lime Pie</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Disney Fun</td></tr>
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We also went to see the Atlanta Braves play one of their minor league teams. It's not everyday that a Major League teams plays in Mississippi. So, we took the weekend for a little getaway. Marty got to catch up with an old friend he hasn't seen in years, and we got some good time together.<br />
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Now, our Memphis Grizzlies are in the NBA Playoffs. We went to one of the games last round against OKC. It was so much fun. The arena is a totally different place when the Playoffs are in town! Here we are with our "Growl Towels".<br />
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Surprisingly, Mother's Day was a good day. The weekend was hard, but the actual day was good. We went to church, went to lunch with my parents and an aunt, went to visit my Great Aunt and Great Uncle, went to visit our babies at the cemetery, and then went to dinner with Marty's parents. It was a busy day filled with a lot of love.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mother's Day roses from my parents, bouquet from my parents, Carnation from S&G's Cemetery</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me & Babies</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At the Cemetery</td></tr>
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3689378431186168440.post-65546574040110438372013-05-13T13:49:00.002-05:002013-05-13T13:49:26.221-05:00FrustrationMy doctor finally called me on Friday afternoon. I think I would have rather him not call at that point. By the end of the call I was beyond frustrated. I am not even exaggerating when I say the call started off with 2 minutes of silence. Then he started the conversation by saying I know we have talked about transferring two before, but decided against it. Why don't you talk to your husband and see what he says. I told him that we were supposed to transfer two this time, but one didn't survive thawing. His response? "Oh, then I guess I decided not to thaw another." What do you mean you guess? You should have just said something like "oh yeah" then continued on.<br />
That was pretty much all he wanted to say, so I started asking questions like what would he suggest we do differently, change medication, change dosage, anything? His first response was "The only thing I would do would be to thaw them the morning of instead of the night before." I had to continue probing. I asked if the low progesterone would be anything to address in future cycles. He said "Well, your progesterone was 31 the day of the pregnancy test. That is plenty high to support a pregnancy." So I told him that was probably because I increased progesterone after the transfer per instructions after getting labs back. He said, "Well, we didn't increase it after the transfer." I then had to remind him that it was not increased until the day of the transfer. We battled back and forth about this until he finally saw it on the chart. So then he suggested we start with the higher dose of progesterone before the transfer next time. I wanted to say, "duh!", but refrained. With my fresh cycle I was over double the dose I was on with these two frozen. I know that it it common to be on more with a fresh cycle because of all of the other medications, but you would think that seeing as progesterone with low with first FET and my history of low progesterone you would have adjusted that this time around. Not to say that would have made the difference, but it couldn't hurt to try it.<br />
So, again he tried to get off the call and told me he wanted to schedule an appointment for the next month so that we could further discuss and give Marty a chance to ask questions. I told him at this time we are done with IVF, but would consider talking to him in July (knowing we have the appointment in Atlanta next month). I think this ticked him off even more than my prodding. He said, "Well, then I will let you make your own appointment. That is disappointing to here." I told him it was just an emotional roller coaster and financially I can't keep doing this over and over with no change in protocol.<br />
And, that was pretty much the end of the call. The fact that he just seemed so unaware of my protocol, history, and original discussions to transfer two annoyed me. Not to say I won't go back. If the doctor in Atlanta doesn't have any different game plan then I would just go back to my doctor here and not worry with the shipping of embryos and all. Of course at this point, Atlanta may not be realistic anyway with travel and my work schedule, plus travel expenses, and cost of their FETs. Hopefully though next month I will feel less frustrated and feel like we are going in the right direction.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00727223479055947577noreply@blogger.com3