Turns out the home pregnancy test was right, I'm not pregnant. Our IVF cycle failed. I can't even describe everything I am feeling right now. I am heartbroken, confused, angry, sad . . . I'm not sure why God keeps denying me the opportunity to have a child to hold & love. I hate my body for failing Gentry & Savannah and not being able to get pregnant naturally. I can't quit crying. It's not fair. I am surrounded by pregnant people expecting their second & third children. I just want ONE, why does it have to be so hard?! I will never have these answers, but I can't quit asking the questions.
Yesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date. Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me. Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own off...
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