For some reason, I have been a mess the last few days. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown at any moment on any given day. On Sunday we went to the cemetery to visit the girls, and I lost it there. Marty was referring to our girls as "our pumpkins". I have always called them that to myself because their transfer took place on Halloween last year. But there was something about him calling them pumpkins that had me in full on sobbing. Not unusual, at least it was an appropriate location for a breakdown. Yesterday our company CFO sent me an email, nothing bad, but just the tone sent me over the edge. Not normal. Last week we were talking about all of the things that need to be done while one of my friends/co-worker is out on maternity leave (could be any day now), and I just started laughing and it turned in to crying. Also not normal. I'm not sure if it's stress, impending births of friends' babies, hormones, grief, or a mix of all, but I feel like a CRAZY person! I don't like it. I was really feeling good after we came back from San Francisco, but now I feel like I am slowly making my way back to that depressed, dark place.
Yesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date. Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me. Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own off...
you're not crazy. you are grieving. and i am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with one faux mommy... you are not crazy! I am almost 2 years out from the loss of my daughter and I was still up half the night last night in tears. It's just how strong a mother's love is. It's both our burden and our privileged to bare!
ReplyDeletexoxox