Down That Forever Road

Finalization day was so special for us, so we invited along one of my dearest friends who is also a photographer to capture the day. This friend has been there for us every step of the way, not only as a friend but also capturing our special moments. When the judge announced that he granted the adoption and name change to be officially Benton, I about lost it. That is until Benton let out the cutest squeal of excitement. I think he was excited it was official as well!  These pictures were too cute not to share. So, here are a few from finalization day!

Fifteen days after my last blog post, you know the one 10 months ago, we were supposed to have a call with our adoption agency to hit pause and take a break. After 3 failed matches we needed time to heal before jumping back in. That day, November 14,  I was at work when our social worker's number popped up on my phone. I was in the middle of a work project so thought I would just call her back later. I was putting off having the call to go inactive as long as possible. Because as much as we needed to heal, my heart also broke at the thought of missing out on the baby that was meant to be ours. Less than 10 minutes later the agency number popped up, so I decided to answer and let them know we could chat later in the day. I was not expecting the words on the other end of the phone. "Ashley, we have a healthy baby boy who was born two days ago. He is ready to be discharged from the hospital, and his birth mom has chosen you to be his parents. If you want to proceed you need t...

Well guys, 8 weeks we were matched this time. But now we are back to being a waiting family. I honestly don't know where to start with this one. The last few days have been a whirlwind. On Tuesday (5 days ago) the birth mom texted that she was having contractions and going to the hospital. Being 28 weeks pregnant, I assumed it was Braxton Hicks. Not long after that text, less than hour, our agency called. I assumed they were just telling me the same news. Instead they were telling me they were going to send over the records from the birth mom's last two appointments, but also that there was a note on the records about there being a pregnancy complication related to the baby being at high risk for a lifelong disability/disabilities. The agency said to hold tight until she could get back to the doctor and go under more testing. Less than hour after that called, the birth mom's mom called me and said they couldn't stop contractions and she was dilated 7cm. Baby was com...

On Saturday, August 27, I was 8 hours from home in an Old Navy in Indianapolis buying jeans and a shirt to wear to the Colts' game that night. I was there for work to record a TV spot the next day with a Colts' player  . . . I stay on the back side of the camera, ha. I had driven the last half of our trip that day, so I hadn't checked my phone in about 4 hours. I decided I should check my email while there in line. Since it was a Saturday I wasn't expecting much, but I had an email from our agency about an opportunity to be shown. This wasn't this first time to see one of these emails; some we said yes to but the birth family chose someone else, others we said no to because we weren't 100% certain with the situation presented. So I glanced through the email, forwarded to M, and sent him a text to check his email. Nothing out of the norm. Since it was time to pay, I decided I would look at it in a bit once my coworker and I got to dinner and a little more settled...

Nine days after my last post, so much changed. We got a call from our attorney that we were matched. Finally!! After 14 months of waiting, this was it. We would become Mom & Dad to a baby BOY! He was due in just 11 days. We quickly sprang in to action purchasing everything we would need to bring him home. We, and our families, were thrilled. Our prayers were being answered.  After days of prepping, we made travel arrangements. We found a hotel and planned to drive down the day before he was due. Then we got a call that baby was coming early (5 days early). We amped up our preparedness at work to be gone and adjusting travel. This was it! We were still home when he was actually born. When the attorney called, she told us he had arrived but appeared to have medical issues with his kidneys and his size. He was looking at spending at least a month in NICU. But, this didn't matter to us. She told us to be on standby for more info on his health, but we were itching to leave. Unfortun...

I think all of my last blog posts have been so far apart, that it is safe to say I am the worst blogger ever. So much, yet so little, has changed in my life this year. I have documented my mom's battle with dementia and Alzheimer's on here over the years, and I so sad to say that 3 months ago my mom passed away. Ultimately it was a blood clot that caused her death, but I don't think it would have been much longer without the clot. She had become so ill that she had lost control of her bladder and bowels, that I was often on call to go to their house and help clean her up. It was awful to see her in that shape and being unable to communicate. I truly have a peace knowing that is no longer suffering, but I am still sad for me. This week is especially hard for me with Thanksgiving and my birthday.  Two big family centered events that I now have to face without my mom. Even though Mom hasn't been her self for years, the gaping hole in my heart and the empty chair at the...

It has been so long since my last post! Crazy how time flies by. We have now been a waiting family for 7 months. Some days it feels like so much longer. At the 6 month mark we heard from our agency with an update on how many views our profile has had by birth mothers. We have been shown to 59 moms - almost 10 a month. My first thought was "great, so many opportunities." But the more I thought about it, I began to wonder why 59 moms didn't think we were worthy or a good fit for her baby. I know I am over thinking it, but waiting can make you do that. The good news is that the agency has a 75% placement rate between 3 and 12 months of activation. Only 20% take place between years 1 and 2. And the extremes are less than 3 months and more than 2 years. With those statistics it makes you think it could be soon. We are continuing on with preparation for a baby. We now have a changing table, dresser, crib, crib mattress, mattress protector, bottles, diapers, diaper bag, hang...

The last week of September we officially became a waiting family with our agency. This is such an exciting time for us! And an anxious one as well! The first few weeks of being active, every time my phone would ring or vibrate my heart would stop. That got old quickly, ha! It seriously had me that on edge. Now that we have had time to get used to the waiting, it has been less about waiting to get the call and more about preparing for a baby. A few weeks ago we had the realization that if we were to get one of those calls that says travel within 24 hours to  get your baby, we would be scrambling! We have a few things from when I was pregnant with the girls that we pulled out of the attic - swing, bouncy seat, etc. But, we have none of the true necessities. So what does that mean? It means I went in to full research mode! Who knew there were SO many things to start considering?! Glass bottles vs plastic, cloth vs disposable diapers, wipes, formula, car seats, strollers, and the lis...

We are just one step away from being activated with the agency, and then we will start the waiting game!! The last step is making a video four profile. The agency shipped us the video equipment, and we should have it by Tuesday. We have to return it with footage within 14 days, and then they will put it together for us. After that our profile will begin being shown to birth parents! Wow! I am at the point where I am really allowing myself to get excited on this journey, while still guarding my heart. There are times I can't believe this is really happening! My co-workers have been taking guesses on us receiving a boy or girl - most say girl. I have been looking at cribs and gender neutral nurseries. There are so many options I don't know how I will ever decide! It is surreal to allow myself to be so hopeful again. I know we still have a long road ahead, but I am trying not to think of what could go wrong. I feel like it is time for some good news for us, so hopefully we will...

We took a break from all of our adoption paperwork, and that's A LOT of paperwork, to take some photos to announce we are adopting and also for our profile - to help make us look like fun parents to be. I LOVE how they turned out, so thought I would share a few here. We also went facebook public with the adoption. We received a ton of support and love. Plus, we were able to raise $510 within 24 hours on our site. It was amazing to see. We are blessed!  youcaring.com/babysully We kind of like each other . . .. and are excited to be on this adventure! He makes my heart happy! This was our facebook announcement photo. 

Our first home study meeting took place a little over a week ago and went really well! I love our social worker, she is so easy to talk to and made me feel at ease immediately. I feel really good heading in to the second meeting in a little less than 3 weeks. I am feeling very optimistic heading in to this adoption. I know it will be another test of our faith and patience, but I am trying not to get too stressed out (yet!). Just a few things left before our home studies will be done! So exciting. I have to say I work with some really good people who are already planning an adoption fundraiser for us. As you probably know, adoption is not cheap, so any help we can get is greatly appreciated. I really love that my employees and co-workers have sprung in to action for us. Love them! We have also set us a fundraising site, so that anyone who wishes to donate can do so. It is still a work in progress, but here is what we have so far: Baby Sully  . Exciting things to come!

So much excitement going on over here.  First thing, Marty got a new job! He was taking a break from applying when a recruiter for a large company called him. Within a few days he was hired. He starts next week, and we couldn't be more excited. It is an amazing opportunity for him/us - I am so proud!!  Secondly, we have applied for our home study. We are in the middle of all of the paperwork for our case worker, but we are actually doing this thing. We are beyond excited about this! We are meeting with our case worker the first weekend of May . . . it will be here before we know it. Hopefully we will be able to get the medical assessments, background checks, & fingerprints done by then. The sooner we get all of those back and complete the paperwork the sooner we are to a baby. Once the home study is done we will apply with the agency and begin building our profile with them.  Please keep us in your prayers for Marty's new job and the beginning of our adoption journey....

I  mentioned in the previous post being crazy busy, and that is no lie! Since my November post, I have traveled to St. Louis, Winnipeg, Las Vegas, & Longview for work, served 2 weeks of jury duty, turned 30, took on several new stores for work in Saint Louis, Louisville, & Indianapolis, traveled to Nashville for our 5th anniversary, gone to some concerts - Eric Church, Drake White, Craig Campbell, Zac Brown Band, & Travis Tritt, and been to a bunch of Grizzlies and Tigers basketball games. It has been crazy!!  In between all of that, Marty and I decided to proceed with adoption to grow our family! We decided to wait to get our tax return done to put that money in savings. Last week Marty wrecked his car, so now we are waiting to see what is going on with that. Hopefully we find out soon, so we can start our home study. So excited and so nervous at the same time!!!  And the highlight aside from making that decision was meeting Giuliana & Bill Rancic. Marty ...

I tried posting this on 2/26, let's try again! Life has been crazy busy lately, & I will update later. Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of losing Gentry, today the 2 year for Savannah. I can't believe time has gone by so quickly. To think that if they were here I would have 2 year old twins blows my mind! To celebrate the girls' birthdays we went to the cemetery with my parents  & released two purple balloons for Gentry and 2 pink balloons for Savannah. It was a beautiful warm, sunny February day. There is something about releasing those balloons and watching them float to the sky. I don't think words can describe it - it is freeing, beautiful, & sad all in one. I pray my girls always know how much I love them! Happy Birthday Mommy's Sweet Angels! 

I can't believe it is November, and it has been months since I last blogged! I am loving the trees changing colors and all things pumpkin flavored, now if the weather could just stay cool I would be happy. I made it through Halloween, yay! A friend blogged yesterday about how Halloween is a hard holiday for a bereaved parent - and it is. My facebook and instagram feeds were full of cute babies in their costumes. Each post was a reminder of who should be here and what we are missing. On top of the cuteness overload, Halloween was the date of our embryo transfer with Gentry and Savannah. Halloween is officially the day I got pregnant . . . sounds like it could be a wild, drunken story, ha! Our girls will also be my pumpkins because of this. On top of already being down, everyone in my department left early so they could go get their kids ready to trick or treat. I was the only one left in my department, and it was such a lonely feeling. I am looking forward to the year we can have ...

The past few months have been crazy I tell you! Trying to decide next steps to baby, then Marty losing his jobe, and my parents putting their house on the market to find something large enough for us all. As one of my friends recently told me, "Every time I talk to you these days there is a life changing update." That's how I feel, my life has changed so much since our appointment in Atlanta and continues to be ever changing. So here are the updates: 1) Next Baby Steps I don't think I ever posted this here. But after the appointment in Atlanta, several talks (with A LOT of people), and lots of prayer. Marty and I decided to pursue adoption to have more babies. We had even been talking to an agency and home study agent. No paperwork was filled out because we wanted to save money and pay off some debt before going any further. So, we were quite excited and doing well with that decision . . . .until he lost his job. As you probably know, they don't just let anyo...

Lately I have been feeling as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. For starters, now that Marty doesn't have a job, we are solely relying on my income. He was making almost double what I make, so it is quite a big loss. It has been two weeks now with no leads. He has applied for a lot of jobs, but hasn't heard back on any of them. On top of that, my parents have been needing more and more at their house. Doing little things like heating their dinner, changing lightbulbs, doing laundry. Nothing too taxing, but after working a full time I help them then do all the same at our house. And because of all of this, we have to put any baby plans on hold. For the past 3.5 years I have been doing something to try to become a mom. Now it has all come to a halt. My parents are also looking to move soon, and they are looking at houses large enough we could move in with them. This would help a lot, as I am increasingly helping them out at their current home already. But this...

Well, you know the rest . . . it pours. Just when we were figuring out our next steps to baby, Marty lost his job. This happened last week, so I haven't yet reached full panic state yet. I am trying to think this will be better in the long run, to give him the chance to get in a field where he will be happy. If you will, please pray for him (and us).

Yesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date. Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me. Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own off...

We are still in the decision making process about what to do next. I am about 70% sure I don't want to do another FET, but don't want to say I have counted it out completely. We have been researching adoption more and more. It is such a detailed process, I want to have most of my bases covered before we dive in to anything. It is an exciting, but intimidating process to think about! We also haven't take surrogacy off of the table yet either. For us to pursue that, we would really have to find the right person. I don't know that I would want to use an agency, due to the cost. Oddly enough, today at the printer I was talking to my boss's assistant (T) about trying to decide what to do. She has mentioned trying to be a surrogate before, but today she told me she asked her son what his opinion is on it. Apparently, she is really serious about this. But, she is close to mid-40s and newly single after a divorce. I don't know if it's the right time in her lif...