Down That Forever Road

It was a year ago on Friday that we had our first beta (227) and found out we were expecting. It was a year ago today that we had our second beta (574, I think) confirming we were in fact pregnant. It's wild what a difference a year can make. You can go from experiencing such joy to so much pain. I wish I could still be the person I was a year ago. While I was scared of early miscarriage, I thought for sure once I made it through the first trimester I was guaranteed to bring home my babies. I was so naive. I will never have that again with a pregnancy. I won't be one of those who immediately runs out and shares their news (I wasn't last time either, but may wait even longer next time). When I see people announce their pregnancy at 6 weeks, I want to tell them you maybe should wait just to make sure everything is ok. Of course I don't, and things usually do ok for them. But, I envy their naivety. A year ago life was everything I dreamed it would be, never thinking I wo...

Things have been CRAZY busy lately, I have been such a terrible blogger. We are in our busiest time of the year at work, with one person out on maternity leave and one more preparing to be on leave in a few weeks. In other words, I have been SLAMMED during the day trying to make sure we get everything done. Also work related, our company has a new partner, so a lot of rapid growth is anticipated.  I mention the new partner and growth because it has thrown another wrench in to my baby decisions. Previously it had been decided that if  I were to do IVF and get pregnant again I would be allowed to work from home for the 28 weeks of bed rest. I had a feeling that with all of the company growth now anticipated that would change, and it has. They will still allow me to work from home, but with a slight job change, reduction in hours, and reduction in pay . . . like half the hours & pay. Marty and I had pretty much decided that we would try IVF one more time before seriously...

Day 15: Wave of Light Tonight I light this candle in memory of Gentry and Savannah, as well as the other families who have experienced the heart breaking loss of a baby.

Day 13: Signs These cute ducks came up to us on our first visit to the cemetery. Now we see them often on our visits. They get close enough we could touch them, although I'm not brave enough to try. I like to think these are our girls just sitting with us on our visits. And, of course, the S & G on the sidewalk in San Francisco. Day 14: Community I have found the best support from the blogging community. I appreciate all of you for making me feel almost normal & letting me know I'm not alone.

Day 12: Scent The scent that reminds me of my girls is tomato soup. When I was pregnant I ate tomato soup & cheese crackers at least four times a week. Every time I see it or smell it, I think of being pregnant. Happy times.

Please say a prayer for my cousin and her family. Her one day old baby boy, Tyler, passed away last night. There are just too many of us who know this pain, and it's something no mother should ever have to experience. My heart breaks for her, her husband, and her oldest son. 

Aside from my husband and my parents (who have been AMAZING), my best friend L has been a life saver in the last 7 months. She has listened to me talk out emotions, held me when I needed to cry, and has just been there for me. I know I can say exactly how I am feeling to her without the fear of being judged. I have had some pretty dark days and thoughts since February, and she has been by my side. She is expecting her second baby girl in December. I think we were both afraid it would affect our friendship. But, it hasn't. She is the one friend who hasn't shyed away from me, and she doesn't walk on eggshells around me. She released pink balloons in honor of my girls when she did her gender reveal photo. A time when I should have been furthest from her mind, she still thought of me. I don't know if she will ever know how thankful I am for her friendship.