Down That Forever Road

Yesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date. Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me. Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own off...

We are still in the decision making process about what to do next. I am about 70% sure I don't want to do another FET, but don't want to say I have counted it out completely. We have been researching adoption more and more. It is such a detailed process, I want to have most of my bases covered before we dive in to anything. It is an exciting, but intimidating process to think about! We also haven't take surrogacy off of the table yet either. For us to pursue that, we would really have to find the right person. I don't know that I would want to use an agency, due to the cost. Oddly enough, today at the printer I was talking to my boss's assistant (T) about trying to decide what to do. She has mentioned trying to be a surrogate before, but today she told me she asked her son what his opinion is on it. Apparently, she is really serious about this. But, she is close to mid-40s and newly single after a divorce. I don't know if it's the right time in her lif...

We had our appointment with the new doctor in Atlanta on Friday. I really liked the doctor and his staff. They were so friendly and full of personality. I was so excited as we sat in the waiting room. But once we left, I was as confused as ever. In short, he told me there would be no reason to do a FET with him because his protocol varies only slightly from our current doctor. Exact same meds, only difference is the timing of them. He said all things considered with a single transfer we are looking at about a 33% chance of getting pregnant from a FET. He thinks he could be done using the 3 frozen embryos we have, but that I should be prepared for a difficult pregnancy given my history. I asked him about using a carrier, but he didn't seem to think that was a good idea based on cost, psychological effects, etc. Didn't offer an opinion on adoption. But, I feel like by telling me to prepare for a difficult pregnancy he was cautioning me against getting pregnant. So now, the ...

My niece who lives out of town has been visiting for the last few days. And boy does she keep you on your toes. A ball of energy for sure. But, I wouldn't change a thing about her! We spent Saturday at my parent's pool, and she came home with me after. To say I was exhausted was an understatement. When she came over the first thing she asked was why we have so much baby stuff in our house. I guess being so young she had forgotten about the girls in the last year. So, I told her that all of the baby things were for our twin girls that we had been expecting. She said "You were going to have twins?". I told her yes, and she quickly moved on to the TV and the Disney Channel. I left her on the couch while I hopped in the shower.She was asleep by the time I got out, so I laid in my bed and caught up on emails.She woke up and joined me on the bed. As we lay there curled up watching Disney, she started asking questions about the girls. She asked if they died in my stomach o...

After the loss of our girls and riding the infertility roller coaster I have become a much, much more emotional person. I used to never cry, unless really mad or hurt. But now just about everything makes me cry. Before this, I could cope better with the things going on in my life, now I fall apart easily. Prime example being on Memorial Day weekend when we went to Missouri to visit my dad's side of the family. My Brother and Dad I don't know if I ever mentioned it before, but I have two half brothers who suffer from strokes. One of my brothers is losing his eyesight. The other is in a nursing home and has been for probably 10 years or so. He can't talk; he tries but it only comes out as noises. We have no idea what he is trying to say. This has always made me sad, but when we visited him a few weeks ago I just couldn't keep it together. Maybe it was because Marty was there, and normally it's just me and my parents. In those situations I feel like I need to be ...

It seems as though all of latest posts have been "negative Nancy", so I thought I would post about some of the fun stuff I have been up to, mostly pictures. Before we started the last FET, we took a vacation to Orlando and Key West. Key West is the most beautiful place I have even been, and I am ready to go back! In Orlando, we saw our U of M Tiger basketball team play UCF, saw our Memphis Grizzlies (NBA) play the Orlando magic, took in some Braves Spring Training, and went to the Plant City Strawberry Festival where we got to meet Dwight Yoakam. You can imagine after all of that I was ready for some relaxation in Key West. It was pretty chilly there this year, so we didn't get to swim or layout, but it was still beautiful. Key West Sunset from our Hotel Pier Braves Spring Training Me & Dwight Yoakam Key West Southernmost Point On a Boat in Key West View from our Hotel Balcony Marty & Dwight Yoakam Strawberry Shortcake at Str...

My doctor finally called me on Friday afternoon. I think I would have rather him not call at that point. By the end of the call I was beyond frustrated. I am not even exaggerating when I say the call started off with 2 minutes of silence. Then he started the conversation by saying I know we have talked about transferring two before, but decided against it. Why don't you talk to your husband and see what he says. I told him that we were supposed to transfer two this time, but one didn't survive thawing. His response? "Oh, then I guess I decided not to thaw another." What do you mean you guess? You should have just said something like "oh yeah" then continued on. That was pretty much all he wanted to say, so I started asking questions like what would he suggest we do differently, change medication, change dosage, anything? His first response was "The only thing I would do would be to thaw them the morning of instead of the night before." I had to co...