I think all of my last blog posts have been so far apart, that it is safe to say I am the worst blogger ever.
So much, yet so little, has changed in my life this year. I have documented my mom's battle with dementia and Alzheimer's on here over the years, and I so sad to say that 3 months ago my mom passed away. Ultimately it was a blood clot that caused her death, but I don't think it would have been much longer without the clot. She had become so ill that she had lost control of her bladder and bowels, that I was often on call to go to their house and help clean her up. It was awful to see her in that shape and being unable to communicate. I truly have a peace knowing that is no longer suffering, but I am still sad for me.
This week is especially hard for me with Thanksgiving and my birthday. Two big family centered events that I now have to face without my mom. Even though Mom hasn't been her self for years, the gaping hole in my heart and the empty chair at the table are things I just don't know how to cope with. No one can ever replace your mom. I am so thankful for our strong, tight relationship we had . . . even when times got tough and I wasn't sure what to do, I hope she knew how much I loved her. I will forever remember how her face would light up when she would see me, and though she couldn't speak, she would clap her hands together and have the biggest smile on her face.
Since she has passed I have some dreams about her that I want to remember, which is why I am sharing them here. My mom's favorite place to sit was in the backyard by the pool surrounded by her flowers. If I was in the pool, or even if no one was in it, she would open the door, smile and walk out to her swing. The night before her visitation I had a dream that I was sitting in her swing, and she opened the back door gave me her big smile and waved. Before I could tell her to join me, she turned her back and faded away. Seeing the joy on her face gave me the feeling that she was at peace, and I should be too.
The next dream I had was one where we were at a family function, and she was well. She was wearing one of her favorite dresses, that she wore to my cousin's wedding a few years ago. In this dream, she was completely able to communicate with me and we just stood in the middle of a room hugging and crying. She kept telling me she loved me and that things would be ok. It was completely random, yet comforting.
Most recently I had a dream, again she was well, that we were out shopping for baby items. We were at Target loading up on items to prepare for my journey to go get a baby. She was helping me pick out what we needed, what I could in the place we were traveling to, and just having a good time together. The night before I had the dream of my mom, I had a dream about our girls. I have NEVER had a dream about them. But in this one, they were dressed in white dresses with blue sashes wearing small flower crowns on their heads. One of the girls had curly, strawberry blonde hair and the other had straight light brown hair. I never could get a good look at their faces, but they would shyly look up towards me and giggle. In the almost four years since we lost Gentry and Savannah I have never dreamed of them, even though I have had friends dream of them. I pray they are with their Grandma, and the 3 of them are putting in a good word for us to get our Baby Sully.
On the adoption front, there have been some interesting things going on there - yet also nothing at all. In regards to our agency, as of 2 months ago our profile had been shown to almost 140 birth moms, but one has yet to select us the adoptive parents of their baby. Before my mom passed away, an acquaintance on facebook posted that an attorney was looking for adoptive families for a baby due in October. I decided to take a chance and contact the attorney. They called the day my mom passed away with an opportunity, which never panned out. I have had a few other calls from them as well, but again there, a birth mom has yet to select us.
So, we have been waiting with our agency for 14 months now. On average three-fourths of their placements happen with the first year. We are officially over the year mark, so we need to consider making profile changes and possibly opening up the drug use acceptable. I am torn on opening up the drug use; however, the longer we wait the more it becomes likely.
In other baby news, I was randomly messaged by a friend to see if we were still open to considering the use of a gestational surrogate because she knows of someone who wants to carry for us. WHAT?!?! This blew me away! Of course we would be open to that. The woman who has offered to carry just had a baby of her own and wouldn't be cleared to try until June, so I haven't made direct contact to her yet. However, we will be contacting her. We still have three frozen embryos we could try to use to have a baby. Could we possibly end up with 2 babies? A baby through adoption and a baby through surrogacy?! What a blessing it would be!
Please continue to pray for us as we wait on our precious gift, and pray for peace for my dad and me to get through the holidays without my mom.