Friday, August 31, 2012

Georgia on My Mind

Marty and I are still trying to decide what our next step is going to be to try to have another baby. We are both leaning towards using a gestational surrogate, but it would take the right person (and having the funds). I want to be pregnant again, but I'm just not sure I can do it again for my mental sanity. Six to seven months of bed rest is a long time to be in the bed and home alone all day. I was a bit of a control freak last pregnancy with my eating habits, activities, or anything else I thought could harm the girls. I imagine it would only be worse if I have all that time at home by myself. I'm afraid I would become my own worst enemy. In the end it would be totally worth it, I just don't want to drive myself crazy. Aside from the bed rest, I just don't know that I could survive another loss. There is the possibility that my cervix could fail even with the stitch. I just don't know that I could pick myself back up if that were to happen again.

I know I have mentioned how much I hate trying to make decisions. Especially such life altering ones. All I know is I want another baby, my Georgia Kate or my Benton Thomas. After our FET in June I bought the Georgia print below for our future daughter's room. It has the lyrics to "Georgia on My Mind" printed in a shape of the state of Georgia. I have heard the song a hundred times, but when I saw this it instantly had me in tears. I was seeing those words on the print as my love letter to my future baby & motivation.
"Still in peaceful dreams I see
The road leads back to you

I said Georgia, oh Georgia
No peace I find (peace I find)
Just an old sweet song
Keeps Georgia on my mind (Georgia on my mind)"

I dream of one day holding my Georgia (or Benton), and that dream is what keeps me on this road to trying to become a mommy. We may not how we will have another baby, but I feel in my heart he/she will one day be here in my arms.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Six Months

This past weekend (Saturday & Sunday) was the girls' six month birthday. Marty and I were in San Francisco on vacation, and I can't think of a place I would have rather been. Saturday was beautiful - perfect temperatures, lots of sunshine, and a calm peace.

I finished reading "Heaven is for Real" a few days before vacation. I think that book was a huge blessing to me. I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child. I was bawling reading it, but it soothed my aching heart in a way nothing else has.I feel like I may have reached a turning point in this journey. On their 6 month birthdays, I just had the most peaceful feeling, not the extreme sadness I was anticipating. I think the book and a full week away were exactly what my heart, mind, and soul needed.
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I miss my baby girls and love them with every ounce of my being, but I am ok.



Thursday, August 16, 2012

Consumed

In the last few days I have come to realize I am really enjoying the time off from IVF. For the last year it, along with pregnancy, have been my dominating thoughts. At this point last year I was still wavering on going forward with the IVF, that decision was consuming. Then once we were booked, it was a series of doctor's appointments for tests and consultations. I had a mental countdown going of how many days I had left to start injections, when we might know if it worked, when I would possibly be due. Seriously, it consumed by life.
Then, once I was pregnant, that consumed me as well. I am a planner by nature, and let me tell you, trying to plan for two babies rocked my world. Not in a bad way. But just a where will all of their things go in our small house, what kind of schedule will we do - feedings, diapers, sleeping. I was planning a nursery, picking out clothes, planning cute photos. Planning to be a mommy consumed me. 
Once we left the hospital with no babies, grief consumed me. I didn't know how to function, going from a mommy to be to a mommy with empty arms. I am still figuring this one out. But, I no longer obsess on trying to find as much support as possible from people who have been there done that. Or, trying to find people with similar stories. Maybe because I have found enough support from those I have reached out to.
We waited about six weeks after the girls to go back to our fertility doctor. Once again, IVF consumed me as before. And now, knowing if I did get pregnant, that I would be on bed rest from 12 weeks on consumed me too. Marty would bring up concerts coming to town, or football and basketball seasons starting. My response was always, "Well, if this works we can't go because I will be on bed rest then." Planning life around being in bed for 28 weeks can be difficult. 
And now, here we are. Not putting a date on another IVF attempt. We are just going with the flow of life. And it is NICE. I, of course, want nothing more than to have another baby, and I still grieve my babies.But, I am living and at my own pace. I am enjoying the quiet time I have to myself in the evenings before Marty gets home. I am planning vacations. Looking at new houses. I am not letting IVF and the desire for motherhood consume me.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Dreams

Marty and I had some random dreams related to becoming parents last night. While I tend to have some odd dreams, they usually don't get so involved in my mental dilemma as this one did. And Marty, he never dreams about babies. These are short summaries of the dreams.

In Marty's first dream we were at a baseball game, and there was a little girl with brown hair sitting next to him. He was frustrated because her mom wasn't paying attention to her, so he started playing with her. He eventually asked the mom if he could just have her. And she allowed him to take her. Her name was Emily.

In Marty's second dream he was getting autographs of baseball players (this is his hobby), and he was telling this one guy about how he couldn't afford something because we have been doing IVF. The guy told him there are some things God controls, IVF being one of them.

In my dream, one of of my uncles was at my office, and I just happened to run in to him in the hallway. He asked me if I was ready to receive applications for a gestational carrier. I told him I didn't know if I was ready, but that I would talk to some of them. He then asked me at what point I was just going to give up. Before I could give my response, my alarm went off.

Anyone care to try to interpret the meaning behind those dreams? Mine appears to be pretty straightforward, but Marty's not so much. Maybe it just feelings of desperation. Or, maybe it was just from watching Teen Mom, who knows. But, he did tell me he likes the name Emily. Maybe we have a brown haired Emily waiting on us out there.