Wednesday, December 19, 2012

When I see it in Stone

After our visit to the cemetery this weekend, I received a call that the girls' headstone was in and installed. Today I went on my lunch break to see it and make sure they had arranged the flowers correctly. I am so glad the headstone is finally in - just in time for Christmas.

I was fine driving there, but as soon as I saw the headstone I started crying. To borrow a lyric from Miranda Lambert, "it really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone." It just hit me that this was really my daughters' resting place - not that I haven't been aware of that, but something about seeing it spelled out just hit harder. It was the first time I visited them by myself. I just kept telling them I love them and that I am sorry. I still have guilt that as their mommy I wasn't able to do anything to protect them or keep them alive. I love those babies so much. I can't believe it has almost been a year.

But, the headstone looks beautiful, and I am glad they finally have it instead of the temporary marker. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Christmas Visit

Marty and I went by the cemetery this weekend to put out Gentry & Savannah's Christmas flowers. I always make their arrangements, and it is something I enjoy. Yes, it is sad, but it is the only thing I can really give or do for my girls here on Earth. I take my time in picking out the just right flowers and decorations, nothing too grown up, and always season appropriate :) My parents went with us this time; my sister (their stillborn baby) is buried 4 plots down from our girls. They never finalized the headstone for my sister 30 years ago, but my dad did so a few months ago when I paid off S & G's headstone. My mom had no idea, so when she saw the marker she just started crying. It was a sad, but sweet moment. My mom and I just held each other crying for our daughters.

Since our girls aren't here to celebrate Christmas with us, Marty and I decided to adopt two babies from the Salvation Army Angel Tree in memory of them. We chose two 8 month olds, 1 boy & 1 girl. It was a lot of fun to go shopping for them, buying the things we would have been getting for our girls. I think I could shop for baby clothes all day every day; they are just so cute and little. I hope we helped both of those babies have a great Christmas.

On another note, last week I went to the doctor to have cervical polyps removed that were found during our FET in June. After what seemed like an eternity, and a lot of pain, it was determined they couldn't be removed in an office visit. So now, I have to have them surgically removed in January. I feel like it is just one thing after another with me and my lady business. Can't something work right? I am a little nervous about the surgery being on my cervix with my already incompetent cervix. But, the doctor didn't seem to think it would cause any more harm. And maybe since they will already be monitoring my cervix in any future pregnancies she isn't too concerned? Either way, I am going to wait to see how it goes before we plan a date for our next FET.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Back in Action

I have been a little MIA on here lately, but I am back in action. A few things have happened since my last post.

1) I had a breakdown at the work Thanksgiving party. Everyone in the office had to go around and say what they are thankful for this year. As soon as my boss (President of the company) started his story I lost in. I am talking 30 seconds in to the story full on tears. He and his wife struggled with infertility for 9 years before they got pregnant with their son via IVF. And, this year they were blessed with a surprise pregnancy and another son, born in October. Through the last few years he has been someone I could talk to about our own infertility struggles. My first day back at work after losing the girls, he took me in his office and just cried and prayed with me. I work for a very special company where we are all like family. But, being that I was already having a "blue day", his sharing of their story just sent me over the edge. I couldn't hold the tears in. I had to get up and leave the room actually.

2) After said meltdown, my boss came to my office to talk. He asked me where we were in moving forward with trying again. He mentioned our previous conversation about how realistic it would be for me to work from home with future company growth. I told him at this point I didn't know what we were going to do because of the part time hours and pay issue. He told me not to worry about that, and the most important thing to him is that I carry another baby and get to experience motherhood. He said he would work out the pay issue, so that I would make very close to what I make now, if not the same. But, just let him know when we do make a decision.

3) I had a birthday. It was much harder than I anticipated. Lat year we had our first ultrasound the day before my birthday, and this year's mood was so different. I wasn't much in the celebration mood at all. But, Marty wasn't going to let me sit at home and be miserable (good husband). He had surprise dinner reservations for me . . .at a restaurant that required me wearing a dress, not my normal jeans. One of my birthday presents was the dress (see such a good husband). While the mood of this birthday was less celebratory than last year, it ended up being a good day. I am so lucky to be married to such a wonderful, caring man.

4) I had an appointment with our RE. I talked to him about the gestational carrier option vs me doing our second FET. His recommendation is for me to try IVF one more time before we move on to a carrier. He wants to transfer two embryos again, but it is totally up to me. And because we have talked about it several times, he would not make me terminate a baby if I were to get pregnant with twins again. But, after much deliberation, Marty and I have decided to only transfer one our next round. The possibility of getting pregnant with twins again is just too risky for me given the complications of my pregnancy with the girls. He thinks we could do the transfer around the first part of February, but I may wait another month or so after that. I am going to my regular OB/GYN soon just to get her opinion as well, but it looks like we are back in action on trying to have another baby!

Birthday Night