Saturday, September 29, 2012

A Little Hello

I can't believe I forgot to post this photo from our trip to San Francisco.

On our second day there, we walked just about everywhere in the city, or at least it felt that way. On our way from the Fisherman's Wharf to Union Square, we took some random turns and ended up on a street with this on the sidewalk. Marty and I saw it at the same time and immediately stopped.

If we had followed the directions on our phone we never would have seen it. I like to think of this as a little hello from Savannah & Gentry.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

7 Months

It has been 7 months today, and I have no words.Other than I miss my baby girls like crazy.

I know some people don't understand my pain because I wasn't full term. But, I don't think it's something you can truly understand unless you have been pregnant - a mother's love. I only knew my girls for 19.5 weeks, yet I love them with every inch of my being and it started at day 1.

One of my closest friends is going in to be induced tonight at 10 pm.

If she goes quickly tonight or waits until tomorrow, her baby boy will be born on the 7 month "angelversary" of one of my girls. It's not as significant as the 6 month or 1 year milestone, but it still hurts.

Seems to be the way my year is going.

I love you, S & G.

Monday, September 24, 2012

It's Fall!

Saturday was the first day of Fall, so I took new Fall flowers out to the cemetery. I also made the final payment on their headstone, so it should be down in a few months. I will be so glad once it is put in and the temporary marker will be gone. I have felt bad for months that they only had the little plaque and not a real headstone.

Fall has always been my favorite time of year, but I am having a lot of mixed feelings about it this year. This time last year we were gearing up for our first IVF cycle. So I am anticipating going through this Fall with the "one year ago" mentality, starting with my first injection to finding out we were expecting twins. So I am praying for the strength to make it through all of those important dates.

The one good thing about Fall this year - I can enjoy my Starbucks. It's the little things that help me get through.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Pros & Cons

I have really been in no rush to make a decision in our next step, but as the bellies around me grow larger, it it starting to tug at my heart.

I don't think I have ever mentioned this, but the day after the girls were born, one of my cousins offered to carry a baby (or babies) for us. She didn't come to me directly, but I got word through her mom and another cousin. At the time, it never seemed like an option I would really consider. But, as time went on, it started to open to the option. I told her I wanted to see how our second transfer went (the one in June) before I really wanted to discuss it.

We have recently been talking about it - I outlined the standard FET protocol at my doctor's office, medications, injections, etc just to see if it was something she really wanted to dedicate herself to. I don't know that everyone realizes how emotionally and physically involved an IVF cycle can be. She has agreed that she would be willing to be a pin cushion for a few months, and her husband was on board. Yay! I still don't know what she wants to be compensated, which will be a factor in our decision making, but she said she isn't look to get rich off of the opportunity.

If we were to move forward and use her as a gestational carrier, we would be able to transfer two embryos which could increase our chances of a pregnancy. (For those not familiar, I can only transfer one due to incompetent cervix) But, she is 11 years older than me, so I don't know if younger with less embryos or older with more embryos would give us a better success rate. (I plan to ask my doctor) I think my sanity is likely to be more stable if we used her. Like I said before, 28 weeks of bed rest is a lot of time for your mind to play tricks on you. The one downside would not having the emotional & physical connection to potential baby or babies like I had with Savannah & Gentry. From the time I found I was pregnant, I was already in love and in mommy mode. There was nothing like feeling them move in me. It brought me so much joy, and I just loved having a pregnant belly.(People like to remind me this is because I never made it the "miserable" point in pregnancy). I know these are not important things in the long run, but still something to consider.

Both options have pros and cons; I just don't know which outweighs the other. Does anyone have words of wisdom?

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Am I Crazy?

For some reason,  I have been a mess the last few days. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown at any moment on any given day. On Sunday we went to the cemetery to visit the girls, and I lost it there. Marty was referring to our girls as "our pumpkins". I have always called them that to myself because their transfer took place on Halloween last year. But there was something about him calling them pumpkins that had me in full on sobbing. Not unusual, at least it was an appropriate location for a breakdown. Yesterday our company CFO sent me an email, nothing bad, but just the tone sent me over the edge. Not normal. Last week we were talking about all of the things that need to be done while one of my friends/co-worker is out on maternity leave (could be any day now), and I just started laughing and it turned in to crying. Also not normal. I'm not sure if it's stress, impending births of friends' babies, hormones, grief, or a mix of all, but I feel like a CRAZY person! I don't like it. I was really feeling good after we came back from San Francisco, but now I feel like I am slowly making my way back to that depressed, dark place.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Fun Stuff! (Pictures)

Despite all that we have going on, Marty and I have had quite a bit of fun in the last month. In August we flew to San Francisco for a 6 nights, 7 days getaway. I swear that trip saved my life and renewed my spirit.

China Town
Walking Around
Golden Gate Bridge
Napa - Perhaps too much wine
Braves vs Giants

Braves vs Giants Game 3

Love & Baseball 
Riding the Cable Cars

The weekend after we came back from vacation was the kick off for college football. We had a great time tailgating with our group of friends. We left the game early due to a bad storm moving through. The Tigers went on to lose, bummer.

 Last night we went to see Train perform at Mud Island and enjoyed a super yummy dinner at McEwens downtown.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Do You Get It?

I know some people just don't know what to say to me any more, but some really need to get a clue. This happens more with the infertility side of things than the loss. Let me just tell you how  it makes me feel when people tell me to "relax" or ask "have you thought about adopting?'. Seriously, you think after 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant, 2 IVF cycles, and 2 angel babies later those two thoughts have never crossed my mind? Gee, what novel concepts. I know I shouldn't get worked up over it, but I do. Marty always has to remind me that they are just trying to help. In my opinion, these type of phrases need go under "if you don't have anything nice to say" rule. 

You know, we have thought about adoption, and we would both like to pursue that one day. But, now is not the time. As it is, IVF happens to be a more affordable option. Because we have the frozen embryos, it is only $3800 per cycle. Yes, we have already spent about $20,000 between the two attempts. But, adoption can be double that. And, aside from the costs, we just know that we aren't ready to start the adoption process. Marty and I still hold on to the hope of having a (or a few) biological child. If we use all of our frozen embryos and never have one, that will be ok, but right now we can't just walk away from 5 Grade A (at the time they were frozen) embryos. If we had done the first cycle and not had any to freeze, we probably would have moved on to adoption. But, I can't just leave my frozen potential babies and not go back to them. Yes, I may be slightly emotionally attached to them. Is that weird? Possibly.

I have even had people ask if we have ever really tried on our own. I mean, what?! Do you think we just said, hey let's go to a fertility doctor to try to have a baby because that has to be easier than having sex? Because what man doesn't want to ejaculate in to a cup with a male nurse waiting outside the door as opposed to having sex with his wife. And, because you know I just love giving myself injections. The answer is yes, we have tried. I have tried putting my feet on the headboard after sex. I have done everything short of standing on my head for an hour trying to help out Marty's sperm. I have pumped myself full of artificial hormones. We have tried. 

Some people just don't get it. Period.

Friday, September 7, 2012


I swear, IVF is like a drug I have an addiction to. I suppose because it is the thing that can get me closest to having another baby, whether it's me or a gestational carrier. I really am enjoying not having to plan my life around injections and the possibility of bed rest. But at the same time, I have a lot of days where I want to call my doctor and set up a cycle right away. Maybe it's an emotional high from the hope an IVF cycle gives me. I haven't gone in to either cycle feeling like it wouldn't work. Both times I was just sure I would get a baby. The odds were in our favor. Now, I would probably go in less optimistic, but optimistic none the less. And it is during those cycles I feel happiest, being closer to achieving my dream.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


Just saw my baby girl's name on the preview for "Trouble with the Curve". Only seems fitting that the storyline involves the Atlanta Braves; we are huge fans. Just a little happy.

FRAGILE: Do Not Break

So what does it mean to be the infertile girl at work who has had her IVF babies die, the one who is surrounded by pregnant women? It apparently means you have a sign over your head that says "FRAGILE: Do Not Break". In other words, it means they tiptoe around you while you live with a daily hell. And now, they are trying to plan work baby showers around me - on days they know I won't be in the office. How does that make me feel? It makes me feel like crap. I only found out because someone told me, otherwise it is all being done behind my back. Which makes me feel even worse. I just can't explain it. If I was invited would I go? Probably not, but I don't want to be tip toed around. One of the ones who is pregnant admitted a few weeks ago that she purposely avoids me because she doesn't want to have to walk on egg shells around me. Am I that fragile that everyone feels this way? Apparently so.