Monday, July 30, 2012

Memories

It's weird how out of the blue memories of the days the girls were born will replay in my mind. They just creep up from nowhere and can cause a total emotional meltdown.

These are the most common ones for me:

Being in the emergency room with the nurse trying to find two heartbeats and nervously laughing while saying "When there's two it's kind of hard to tell who is who and find both heartbeats." I kind of believed her.

The ultrasound tech questioning me over and over if I was sure I was having twins because she only saw one baby. It felt like an eternity until she found Gentry already in my cervix with no heartbeat. At least she was honest and didn't make me wait to see a doctor.

The sight of my girls being whisked away covered in hospital sheets. I remember thinking "you are suffocating them", only to remember that wasn't true because they were no longer breathing anyway.

The feeling of Savannah moving in my belly after Gentry was born and being so concerned for her, that I wasn't able to process what had already happened to Gentry.I prayed all night for her.

The feeling of Savannah laying on the bed kicking against my legs because she came out on her own, and no nurse would touch her until a doctor was in the room. It is hell to know that your daughter is there dying right in front of you.

The poor nurse who had to wheel me out to the car once I was discharged. You could tell she was not 100% comfortable with this, and so we made awkward conversation waiting for Marty to pull up to the loading area. The loading area in the back, where no one would stare at me leaving without my babies.

The desperate feeling of not wanting to leave the hospital because I knew my babies were there, and I wanted to be in the same place as them.

Marty and I laying in the hospital bed together, crying until it felt we no longer had tears to cry. I remember saying "I want my babies" several times in the 3 days we were there.

Me telling Marty to tell our parents to go home once I knew what was going to happen, still in shock. I don't think it sank in until the nurse interrupted me and said, "You will probably want them here for when you deliver." They stayed.

The doctor performing an ultrasound after Gentry was born, checking on Savannah. This is when we found out Savannah was a girl. And she looked so perfect on the monitor.

The sweet nurse who checked me in off of the ambulance. She worked the floor we were on the first two days. She was so good to Marty. Helping him find breakfast before the cafeteria was open. She hugged us both when they moved us to the "recovery" floor.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

5 Months

It's been 5 months today.
5 months since I met my girls.
5 months since my world was turned upside down.
5 months of crying.
5 months of trying to live a normal life.
5 months of attempting to get back to a recognizable form of my old self.
5 months of faking my way through a work day.
5 months of falling apart to and from work.
5 months of wondering what's next.
5 months of pain I never dreamed imaginable.
5 months of figuring out how to function when a part of me has died.




Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Time for a Break

We initially decided to do our second FET the week of September 17. However, after talking about it some more, we have decided to hop off the IVF roller coaster for awhile. Even though we want another baby more than anything in the world, it just doesn't make sense financially and physically to try again right now. 


I think my body is so confused on what it is supposed to be doing that I want for it to figure itself out before we try again. It has been 9 years since I have had a period without being induced by birth control or some other hormone. And now, my body has decided it wants to have two cycles in one month - even while on birth control. I need to get this right before I can think it would be ok to try to get pregnant. I would hate to try another FET with my body this screwed up. 


So for now the plan is to hold off any IVF plans until next year. Not to say that come October or so we won't be changing our minds if my body fixes itself and we have the funds. But, for now this is what we are going to do. It hurts to put the dream on hold for awhile, especially when my friends will be having their babies soon. It hurts so bad.


“All I want is a family, like everyone else I see. And I won't understand it if it's not meant to be. Sometimes it's hard to conceive, with all that I've got, and all I've achieved, what I want most before my time is gone is to hear the words "I love you, Mom." And I want to know what it's like to bring a dream to life.” 
Lyrics from Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die For That". 

Friday, July 20, 2012

Lucky

Yesterday my best friend found out her second baby is a girl. To make the announcement, she photographed her 4 year old daughter releasing pink balloons from a box. The moment I saw the picture I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. My next feeling was that I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I just felt so down the rest of the night. And yet, I couldn't quit looking at her facebook and reading everyone's congratulatory comments. Apparently I like to punish myself.


Despite all of these feelings, I am still happy for her. It just hurts because we were three days away from finding out the sex of our babies when I went in to labor. I was looking forward to that day and couldn't wait to go shopping for their nursery. And now I am left wondering if I will ever get to experience the excitement that day brings.

About 3 hours after her announcement text & facebook post,  I was checking my email and had an email from this friend with the subject "more pictures". I was thinking she had sent some of the outtakes or just some of her daughter. But, no. I opened it to see photos of her daughter releasing a pink balloon with a note that said "in memory of s & g". They had released a balloon in memory of the girls. How sweet is that? In the middle of all of her excitement, she thought about me. I am so lucky to have her as a friend.



Thursday, July 19, 2012

A Few More "So I Don't Forgets"

A few more memories of my pregnancy with the girls. So glad to have these happy memories.

Telling My Parents:
We waited until our first ultrasound to tell my parents we were pregnant. So we told them on birthday. We went to dinner that night and I planned to tell them there. But for some reason I was SO nervous/excited/anxious to tell them that I never told them at dinner. I waited until we got back to their house. We had just finished eating cake when I finally told them. My mom screamed with excitement and again when we told them it was twins. My dad's response? "I thought so". Such a man statement, lol. But, they were both so excited and wanting to tell everyone they knew. I made them wait until about 15 weeks.

Telling "The World":
We went to facebook with our announcement on Marty's birthday. I had wanted to wait until our anatomy scan, but he couldn't hold it any longer, so I agreed. I am so glad we did now because the same people who were so excited for us have given us so much support after the girls were born - even if some are only through facebook. I thought our phones were going to blow up the night we made the announcement from all of the like and comment notifications.

My facebook announcement
Marty's Announcement

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

July 18

Today is the day I was due with Gentry & Savannah. Even though I know they can't be, I wish things could be different. However, I am still so thankful for the time I had with them in me. I never knew if I would know what it was like to be pregnant, and if it never happens again, at least I can say I know. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world to feel your growing baby moving inside of you. I am also so thankful hat I was able to see my beautiful girls so that I don't have to wonder who they would look like. I do wonder who they would have been. I imagine Gentry would have been her daddy's sports buddy, Savannah would have been our ballerina, and they both would be silly and full of laughter like their mommy & daddy. I pray that if we are ever luck enough to have another daughter she will be a mix of both - looks and my imagined personalities. I love you always baby girls.


I am still not comfortable sharing photos of the girls online, but here is a photo of their sweet little feet. How I wish I could be kissing those toes today! 
Gentry's feet on the left, Savannah on the right

Monday, July 16, 2012

My 3 Babies

We took our furbaby, Bailey, to the cemetery this weekend to visit the girls. He was more interested in the lake and geese, but I was able to get him to sit for a few pictures. My three babies.



Friday, July 13, 2012

Chasing My Rainbow

The first time I heard The Band Perry's song "If I Die Young" after I had the girls there was one part that hit me hard:
"Lord make me a rainbow
I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you
When she stands under my colors
Oh and life ain't always what you think it ought to be
No ain't even gray
But she buries her baby
The sharp knife of a short life"

Whenever I see a rainbow, which is not often, it makes me think of this song and Savannah & Gentry. It has rained here just about every day for the last week, and I have been looking for a rainbow ever since. People have been posting photos to facebook of the rainbows they have seen. Each time I see a new photo I race outside hoping to catch a glimpse of the rainbow. Even Marty saw one on his way home today. I have yet to see one.

Not only am I out looking for a real rainbow, I am still holding out hope for my rainbow baby. For those not familiar, a rainbow baby is a baby born after the loss of a baby. I am pretty sure we are going to do the next FET in October. At this point I can't quit chasing my rainbow.

So I Don't Forget

I am going to use this space to write memories from my pregnancy with Gentry & Savannah so that I don't forget them. These are just a few that came to me today:

The Day I Found Out I Was pregnant:
IVF kind of takes out the ability to surprise your spouse or come up with a clever way to tell them you're pregnant. Since we both had to work that day, it was decided it would be best if I just sent him a text to let him know either way. I was at lunch at Lenny's with 6 co-workers having an informal meeting when the doctor called. My co-worker all knew I was waiting on the important call, so it was easy to slip away. I sent Marty this text "Hi daddy . . . I'm pregnant!". He called me about 5 minutes later (seemed like an eternity) and was crying with joy. I hadn't even cried, but I started to when I heard him. We both couldn't believe it . .  our dream was coming true.
That night when he got home from work, I was laying on the couch. He bent down to kiss me, and I said "We're having a baby!'. He responded "or maybe two." My mind was so focused on being pregnant, I really hadn't thought about twins. 

The Day After:
The next day we went to a Zac Brown Band concert. The concert started at 7:30pm, and I had to do my progesterone shot at 9pm. This would be no problem if I could do the shot myself, but since it goes in my butt cheek I needed Marty's help. Being frequent concert goers, we knew the show wouldn't be over until long past 9pm. So we came up with a plan to use the family restroom for my shot. Only problem being there is an usher that stand right by the door and watches people go in and out. When it got close to time for the shot, we stalked the bathroom waiting for the usher to help someone to their seats or at least turn his back. When he did, we made a run for it. I'm sure everyone who saw us thought we were up to know good in there. We set a world record time for giving a progesterone shot and somewhat quietly slipping out past the usher. Once we were "safe" we could not quit laughing. Still makes me laugh thinking about it.

Our First Ultrasound:
This was the day we found out we were expecting twins. As soon as the ultrasound tech had a picture on the screen she said "You two timer." It took a few seconds for this to register in our minds - TWINS! Marty just sat there nervously laughing and squeezing my hand. I think he was trying not to cry once again. We were so happy!

My Last Ultrasound:
Marty had to work when I went to my last ultrasound, so my mom went with me. I am so glad she got to go at least once and see her granddaughters. But, I had the ultrasound tech see if she could tell the sex of the babies (I know, I know Marty wasn't there, but I was dying in anticipation). What she said cracked me up and still does, she said "I tried, but couldn't really tell. Of course trying to find a penis on something that small is pretty hard." Imagine this in a thick Southern accent. It was funny. It was also when I felt 98.5% sure we were having two girls. I had done a lot of research before this ultrasound about finding out the sex and most boys were definitely identifiable at that point.

My Belly:
When I went back to work after my 3 weeks of bed rest for subchorionic bleed, they couldn't get enough of my belly. It had suddenly popped. Lauren, one of my best friends, would come up to me and doing a bunch of quick pokes saying "baby, baby, baby". Lauren is the one who took my photo in front of the "Bump" sign located outside our office (below). I was 18 weeks 2 days in this picture. I LOVED being pregnant and my belly.


Thursday, July 12, 2012

Decision Making

Can I just say that I am the WORST decision maker of all time? Even after I make a decision I will second guess myself until whatever the decision was about has passed. This even occurs with lunch. =) But, right now Marty and I are trying to make a much bigger decision that what to eat for lunch. We are trying to decide whether to do another FET in the fall or if we want to wait a little longer, or even if we should use a gestational carrier.
My doctor called the Monday after we found out our first FET failed. He seemed so perplexed as to why it didn't work. By all scientific standards everything was great - all of the medications had done their jobs to get my body ready and our embryo was grade A. He said he was just a frustrated as I was, so he is offering us a discount when we decide to try again. Our consolation prize, I guess.
Part of me wants to do it again as soon as we can. How nice would it be to go through the holidays pregnant, just as I did last year. I think it would ease the pain of not having my baby girls here for their first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. But if it didn't work, I can't imagine the pain of going through those holidays without my girls AND two failed FET attempts.
It is such an emotional roller coaster, and I can't ride it forever. So, I don't know if I should get off the ride for awhile to undizzy myself, or if I should stay on for a little longer.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

July

I have been fully anticipating July 18 to be a very hard date, my due date with Gentry & Savannah. But, I wasn't anticipating the entire month of July to be so hard. I have cried every single, I know it's only the 4th, but I haven't done this in awhile. Everything is making me cry - songs on the radio, commercials on tv, seeing babies, seeing pregnant women, facebook pregnancy announcements, going in the room that would have been the girls'. I feel so broken.