Monday, April 30, 2012

One of Those Days

I am having one of those days, you know the ones where you just want to lay in the floor and kick and scream like a toddler, and until you do everyone is on your nerves. Maybe you don't know, and it's just me that has days like that. Either way, today is one. I have no idea why I am in such a terrible mood, could partly be exhaustion from the weekend and partly from the dark cloud that seems to be looming around my head. Whatever it is, I can't shake it, and I don't like it.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Love.

I love you, Gentry & Savannah. 
Baby girls' footprints and balloons released at their service.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Two Months

Today is the two month mark since we lost Gentry, tomorrow two months since we lost Savannah. Time seriously goes by so much faster when you aren't pregnant. Today wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be, but it still wasn't a happy day. Work keeps my mind distracted most days, even though I cry there at least once a day. Good thing I work with people who will let me break down. I am soooooooo thankful for my best friend, one of the ones who is pregnant, she always seems to know when I am about to lose it or when I have been crying. Yesterday she just sat in my office with her arms around me and let me cry. She has been my biggest cheerleader (other than Marty) in the last year; tomorrow is the one year mark of my first appointment with our fertility doctor. I am thankful for everything she has done for me, and I hope she knows just how much I appreciate her. Today when I got to work she and my boss had left a present in my chair to bring a little sunshine to the day. She even offered to go to the cemetery with me today because I didn't want to go alone. That kind of thoughtfulness makes her the sweetest person I know.

Yes, I made it through another day without my girls, and while my world isn't as dark as it was in the first few weeks, it isn't quite as bright as it was before February 25. But I know I will be ok one day with the help of Marty, faith, family, and friends.

Happy 2 Months in Heaven my little loves.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Busy Weekend

Marty and I had a busy weekend, which is pretty typical for us. He is really good at keeping my mind distracted. Saturday night we went to Southaven Springfest to see Easton Corbin's concert. Yesterday we spent most of the day at the Memphis Grizzlies MVP Party at Putt-Putt. It was pretty much chaos chasing players around for autographs. Good thing I wore my shoes that will stay on my feet when having to do the awkward run/walk. After the party we had a super late lunch/early dinner at Central BBQ - our favorite! Then we went to visit the girls. The grass is growing in nicely on their plot. It looks so much better than being dirt. We ordered the girls' headstone a few weeks ago, and I am ready to have it paid off so that they can install it. I mailed in a payment for it this morning. It's things like that that will remind you how real the loss is. Not to mention the cruel hospital bills I had to write checks for last week. No babies to show for their services, but still I must pay. And it isn't cheap; I'm just thankful for my dad who has been helping with the bills. I don't know that there is a clear, coherent thought in this post, but here are photos from the weekend:
Marty and Zach Randolph
Me and Mike Conley

Marty and Mike Conley

Me and Marc Gasol

Me and Jeremy Pargo

Marty and Hamed Haddadi


Marty and Tony Allen

Easton Corbin


Friday, April 20, 2012

Why?

I have so much on my mind this week . . .
On Tuesday we met with our fertility doctor about using our frozen embryos. It looks like we will be doing the FET at the end of June/first of July. So we should know whether or not we are pregnant by the girls' due date. Depending on the results, it could make that day easier or harder. The only negative news we got at the appointment was that our embryos are frozen in pairs. Because he does not want me to become pregnant with twins again, he will only transfer one at a time. That means we will lose an embryo each time we want to try a frozen transfer. That was hard to hear because it halves our chances, but it is better than the alternative, which would be to transfer both but have to terminate one if twins resulted. I could NEVER do that, no way ever.
Other than that, I left feeling pretty hopeful.
Hopeful until fear and guilt took over. Because of the complications with my last pregnancy - the subchorionic and incompetent cervix - I have a fear of something going wrong with the next one. I am trying, really trying, to give it all to God. I know He is in control and if something does happen it's part of the plan. I have been praying for the strength to let it all go. I also feel guilty for being hopeful about being pregnant again, as if I am somehow betraying my girls. I never want to feel as though I am replacing them.. Realistically I know there is nothing wrong with moving forward, the girls will always be my girls, but it is a struggle I have in my mind daily.
As if I wasn't dealing with enough pain, yesterday my best friend (also another co-worker) told me she is 6 weeks pregnant with her second child. It broke her heart to tell me, but not as much as it broke mine to hear it. Yes, this is the second co-worker/friend to tell me she is pregnant since I lost the girls. I am sick to my stomach thinking about it. I really hate to be someone who says it isn't fair, but it isn't. Why did Marty and I have to go through so much to get pregnant with Gentry and Savannah? Only to have them taken away 5 months later? Why us to have to see our daughters in a casket? Why don't we get to see their first smiles, laughs, Christmas, birthday . . . .? Why is it so unfair?

Pretty much how it feels sometimes.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Oh, the Places You Will Cry

Places I have found myself crying - some major breakdowns, some silent tears:
the hospital
the cemetery
the shower
our bed
my office at work
Marty's car
Target
our office at home
our sofa
my car
in the kitchen
church
El Mezcal
bathroom stall at work
the printer/copier at work
my boss's office
the warehouse at work
Lauren's office at work
my dad's van
our laundry room
Kroger
our backyard
our garage
Sonic
Memphis Grizzlies game
our closet
conference room at one of our stores
Jackson Generals baseball game

The Question

This week has been the first time I have had to deal with people asking me if I have any children. The first was a new employee at our office. Because we work in a fairly small office, and everyone else knows the story, I shared with her (the short version). Right away she said she was sorry, but I'm not sure if she was just sorry for our loss or also because she felt bad for asking. I never want anyone to feel bad for asking after they hear our story. I love talking about my girls. They are my daughters, and I never want to forget that.
The second time happened at Target last night. She and Marty were talking about how they offer gift cards on select purchases, usually when you buy two or three of that item. Marty was telling her how usually don't need two or three of anything. I piped up telling her the only items we buy two or three of are dog treats. So she said, "You don't have any children yet?" Obviously I am not going to share our story with a random Target cashier, so I told her no. But inside I was screaming "Yes, we have two. Twin girls." I felt guilty the whole way home. Gentry and Savannah, mommy is sorry she can't tell the world about you. But, I love you always.

Friday, April 6, 2012

"A Melody Sounds Like a Memory"

I love music, like really love it. Sometimes I just like the sound of a song, but more often it is because the lyrics move me or the song is associated with a memory. I have found in my life music can usually express my feelings better than I ever could.
Lately I have been playing Green River Ordinance's "Dancing Shoes" over and over. I first heard the song sometime in the fall/winter of last year, when I was pregnant. Right away liked it because the lyrics made me happy and reminded me of my hubby. But now I like it because it represents a memory. It is the first song I remember hearing on the way home from the hospital after the girls were born. The radio had been on the entire ride home, but I was lost in my thoughts not hearing a single thing. My brain was still trying to process what had happened, which it is still trying to do six weeks later. I remember the sun was shining and the windows were rolled down, but I remember nothing else from that ride other than hearing "Dancing Shoes" as we were almost home.
I remember beginning to cry when I heard it, in part because I knew how the lyrics made me happy every time I heard it. And here I was just having given birth to my angels, not knowing if I would ever know what happiness felt like again. Another part of me was crying for the love I have for my husband. I have an amazing, supportive husband that I am insanely in love with. Every time I think of the love we share I could cry. Looking at him that day I knew I would eventually be okay because he is my rock.
There is a line in the songs that says "in a world that gets lost in making plans just be my woman and I will be your man". If you know me, you know I am a girl that always has to have a plan. Marty, on the other hand, lives by the belief of a day at a time. I can't tell you how many times he has told  me this, and it usually drives me crazy (that's what spouses are for right?). However, since the girls, I have been so thankful for his approach to living life. While I know I will never get over the loss of Gentry and Savannah, I do know that healing is something I will have to do a day at a time.
Sometimes "Dancing Shoes" does give me a bit of happiness, still making me think of my hubby. Other times I break down in tears, thinking of the day we left the hospital. Either way, I love it because it evokes emotions for me.