Friday, July 19, 2013

Due Date Anniversary

Yesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me.

Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own office.

Then today a company wide email went out from C telling us announcing an employee had a baby this morning, including a photo of the baby girl. And, one of my boss's wife had their baby about an hour ago. I am so happy for both of them, but it also makes me so sad.

This week I can't quit thinking about how my girls should be celebrating their first birthday, and I imagine what kind of theme I would have had. I wonder what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, & what their laughs would sound like. It is crazy to know that had everything gone right I would have two one year old daughters right now.

But, here I am trying so hard to let go of what "should be" so that we can move forward and try to figure out how we can get Savannah & Gentry a baby sibling.

I love you, S&G!

Monday, July 8, 2013

Decisions, decisions

We are still in the decision making process about what to do next. I am about 70% sure I don't want to do another FET, but don't want to say I have counted it out completely.

We have been researching adoption more and more. It is such a detailed process, I want to have most of my bases covered before we dive in to anything. It is an exciting, but intimidating process to think about!

We also haven't take surrogacy off of the table yet either. For us to pursue that, we would really have to find the right person. I don't know that I would want to use an agency, due to the cost. Oddly enough, today at the printer I was talking to my boss's assistant (T) about trying to decide what to do. She has mentioned trying to be a surrogate before, but today she told me she asked her son what his opinion is on it. Apparently, she is really serious about this. But, she is close to mid-40s and newly single after a divorce. I don't know if it's the right time in her life. I was talking to another co-worker about it, and she told me that T is dead serious about it because she has talked to the rest of the girls in the office about it. It would be an amazing gift, but again I don't know if the timing is right for her. (I know she is the one who brought it up, but don't think she is thinking about day to day life, just the end process of me being a mommy.)

Grief wise I have really been pretty well. I still miss my baby girls so much, but I have been feeling pretty good. Until the 4th of July. We went to Marty's family reunion that day, where I met a ton of people I had never seen before (big family). His mom introduced me to one if her cousins , and he told her it was time for grandchildren. Marty and I just said "one day". He went on and on about it and how he thought we should have twins. It took every ounce of strength in me not to shout "We already have twins!" But, not wanting to be socially awkward I just smiled and nodded. I wanted to fall down and cry right there. Those unexpected moments are what hurt the most.

So, for now we are praying on our options and clarity on which direction to go.

Written on my phone - apologize for any and all errors.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Next Steps

We had our appointment with the new doctor in Atlanta on Friday. I really liked the doctor and his staff. They were so friendly and full of personality. I was so excited as we sat in the waiting room. But once we left, I was as confused as ever.

In short, he told me there would be no reason to do a FET with him because his protocol varies only slightly from our current doctor. Exact same meds, only difference is the timing of them. He said all things considered with a single transfer we are looking at about a 33% chance of getting pregnant from a FET. He thinks he could be done using the 3 frozen embryos we have, but that I should be prepared for a difficult pregnancy given my history.

I asked him about using a carrier, but he didn't seem to think that was a good idea based on cost, psychological effects, etc. Didn't offer an opinion on adoption. But, I feel like by telling me to prepare for a difficult pregnancy he was cautioning me against getting pregnant.

So now, the adoption research gets serious. So far I have only talked to one agency and one licensed person for a home study. I am going to continue to research adoption agencies, if anyone reading this has any suggestions I would love to hear them.