Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Right Direction

My box of meds came in last week! Seeing all of the medication and needles pretty much feels like normal life these days. I go in for my first lab appointment next week and will start my Lupron injections that day. I am psyching myself up for the first injection. I cut out all caffeine this week, as I have done the two previous cycles. I am a coffee lover, and I feel like giving it up is a bit harder this time. I am struggling to hold my eyes open. Totally worth it, I know. So here we are, no turning back!

I am feeling fairly optimistic about this cycle. Or at least more ready for it. I know looking back I wasn't ready to try again on our second cycle. I was still in SUPER grieving mode, dealing with a lot of guilt, and just not physically ready. This time I in a totally different state of mind. I still miss my babies and wish they were here so I wouldn't have to be going through another IVF cycle so soon, but I think I have accepted that this is what I need to do in order to move forward. I also know that if it doesn't work, I am in a place where I won't be crushed. Would I be sad and disappointed? Of course. But after all we have been through in the last year, it would be minimal in the "pain" category. I really feel like God has led me to this point. I had to work through a lot in the last year to get here, but I finally feel at peace about trying IVF again. Are there still anxieties and worries, of course. But like I said in a previous post, I am giving it all to God. It is out of my control.

We have made a little progress on painting what would be the nursery. And by little, I mean not much other than picking out the paint color. I have the mattress and box spring sold that were in that room, I am just waiting on the person to come get it. Then I still have to figure out what to do with the bed and frame (storage maybe), clean everything else out, and buy all of the painting supplies. But surely I can get that done in 4 weeks, right?! Still a lot to do. But for the first time in a long while I feel like we are moving in the right direction.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Our Next FET

I called the doctor this week, and it looks like our next FET will be the week of April 22. A short six weeks from now. There is so much I want to do before we actually do the transfer.

The biggest one being painting the future nursery. It is still the color it was when the house was built and we moved in. We never painted it when I was pregnant with the girls because I was waiting to find out the sex of the babies. But, this time around is different. Since I will be on bed rest beginning at 12 weeks, I want to get somethings done before I ever get pregnant so that I can have some part in setting up my child's room. It's those little things I won't be able to do on bed rest that I don't want to miss out on. So, we currently have about 40 shades of beige, brown, gray, and greige taped to the wall of the nursery along with some fabric samples. Even if I don't get pregnant with this FET, I feel like a fresh coat of paint will feel like a fresh start.

I would also like to lose 10 pounds (or more if possible). I am about 4 pounds heavier now than I was when I got pregnant, but have goal I would like to be at . . . wish me luck.

I honestly thought that after our vacation last week I would come back rested and mentally prepared to start IVF again, but currently I can't psych myself up for it. In part, I think it is because I wish I could just have my girls. It's another part fear. I am trying, and getting much better, at turning it all over to God. I know that if something were to happen in any future pregnancies there is nothing I can do to prevent it, other than not trying to get pregnant. I know the only way I am going to get through a future pregnancy is with faith, prayer, and worship. I can't live my life in fear of what could happen.

I have said it before, but I honestly believe this will be our last attempt. We are transferring two embryos this time (still weird to me how a doctor can change his recommendation so easily), which means we will have 3 left possibly for a gestational surrogate.

Please keep us in your prayers for the next few months and hope that FET #2 is a success.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Happy First Birthday, S & G!

I am two weeks behind on this post because I needed time to myself, and then Marty and I went on vacation.

February 25th was Gentry Ann's first birthday, and February 26th was Savannah Elizabeth's first birthday. Due to our work schedules, Marty and I went to the cemetery on the 24th to celebrate our babies' Heavenly birthdays. The weather was amazing, and I think our girls were shining down some extra sunshine on us. We put some balloons on their grave and released 1 pink and 1 purple balloon to Heaven.

Happy First Birthday, Gentry & Savannah!