Sunday, November 11, 2012

A Year Ago

It was a year ago on Friday that we had our first beta (227) and found out we were expecting. It was a year ago today that we had our second beta (574, I think) confirming we were in fact pregnant. It's wild what a difference a year can make. You can go from experiencing such joy to so much pain. I wish I could still be the person I was a year ago. While I was scared of early miscarriage, I thought for sure once I made it through the first trimester I was guaranteed to bring home my babies. I was so naive. I will never have that again with a pregnancy. I won't be one of those who immediately runs out and shares their news (I wasn't last time either, but may wait even longer next time). When I see people announce their pregnancy at 6 weeks, I want to tell them you maybe should wait just to make sure everything is ok. Of course I don't, and things usually do ok for them. But, I envy their naivety.

A year ago life was everything I dreamed it would be, never thinking I would be here without my babies.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Stressed

Things have been CRAZY busy lately, I have been such a terrible blogger. We are in our busiest time of the year at work, with one person out on maternity leave and one more preparing to be on leave in a few weeks. In other words, I have been SLAMMED during the day trying to make sure we get everything done. Also work related, our company has a new partner, so a lot of rapid growth is anticipated. 

I mention the new partner and growth because it has thrown another wrench in to my baby decisions. Previously it had been decided that if  I were to do IVF and get pregnant again I would be allowed to work from home for the 28 weeks of bed rest. I had a feeling that with all of the company growth now anticipated that would change, and it has. They will still allow me to work from home, but with a slight job change, reduction in hours, and reduction in pay . . . like half the hours & pay. Marty and I had pretty much decided that we would try IVF one more time before seriously pursuing a gestational carrier. But now I am back to undecided. I think the cost of using my cousin and cost of going part time would just about even out. But if I go part time, there is no promise my current job would still be here for me after I returned. And, I just don't think I could afford part time pay with new baby expenses. I just don't know what to do.

Also going on right now, my mom is having some major health issues. I have never mentioned it before, but it seems as though she has early Alzheimer. While her MRIs have always come back fine, she is not. There are many times when I talk to her and she has no idea who my dad is, what her address is, her phone number, or any comprehension of what I am saying. She is only 59. Way too young to be going through this. The doctors have said it appears that depression makes her case worse. I believe it because she has been getting worse since the girls. She also had a stillborn daughter before I was born. My dad seems to think there are a lot of unresolved feelings and depression surrounding their loss, so after I loss the girls it brought all of those feelings back up. It hurts me so much to see her like this. Her mom also suffered from Alzheimer, and it eventually took her life. I don't want this for my mom, or dad. I know it is hard on him trying to take care of her. He himself is a quadriplegic, and has been my entire life. 

My mind and heart have both been weighed down this year with all of this going on. And it has really taken a toll on me. It is so hard to find a balance as well. I have so many people who need me and have expectations for me - work, Marty, my parents, my dog, my friends - and I have some major decisions that need to be made. I know this is all over the place, but I am STRESSED!