Thursday, March 29, 2012

Happy Memories

I can't believe I forgot to post a picture of the girls' Easter bunny and the butterflies. I also made an Easter bouquet of silk flowers I will be taking to them this weekend. 
I am also in the process of getting some photos together to make a scrapbook for the girls. Looking through the photos on my phone brought on a lot of emotions. All of which led to tears. It makes me so sad to see myself so happy; I long to feel that way again. Right now I feel as though I am faking my way through the day. I may seem ok on the outside, but inside I am a mess. Yet I continue on pretending to be ok most of the time because life must go on. Anyway, here are some of my favorite photos I have found. 
The girls' Easter bunny.
This was the day we found out we were having twins. We went downtown for a U of M basketball game. When we came out, it was snowing. This was also the day before my birthday.

This is my sweet Bailey sleeping on my legs, keeping me company while I was on bed rest after the egg retrieval. He is my little buddy.

These are the onesies I gave Marty on his birthday. He is the biggest Atlanta Braves fan I know.

These are the fun socks I wore to the retrieval. I wanted my feet to look cute. I was not a very happy camper when they made me take them off to wear the ugly hospital socks. =)

Sunday, March 25, 2012

A Month Already

It is hard to believe that it has already been a month since we said hello and goodbye to Gentry and a few hours shy of a month since doing the same with Savannah. I miss our sweet girls so much. I look at their photos at least once a day. They were such beautiful girls, so I know they are beautiful angels.
We went to visit their gravesite today, as we have each Sunday since. We took out an Easter bunny and two butterflies to place around their temporary marker. Today we just sat in the grass next to their resting place and cried. I thought of all the things I would have been doing had this not happened - decorating their nursery, buying lots of pink outfits, taking maternity pictures. All of the fun parts of pregnancy and planning for a baby. I am so very thankful for the 5 months I had them, but I wish I had more time. My prayer is that they know how much I loved and will always love them.
Last week was my first week back at work. I cried at least once each day. It was so hard to go back because one of my best friends who is a co-worker had called a few days before to tell me she is 3 months pregnant with her 3rd child. I can't begin to describe the range of emotions I felt when I heard the news - anger, sadness, jealousy - all rolled in to one. It was and still is a hard pill to swallow. What I want more than anything she already has two times over and will soon have three times. It is going to be so painful to see her pregnant and experiencing all I was looking forward to. I hate how it makes me feel because she is such a good friend. I know, or pray, in time it will be easier, but right now the pain of losing the girls is still fresh.
I have reached out to a local support group for moms who have lost babies. I am surrounded my wonderful people, but none of them truly understand what this feels like. I think this group could be beneficial, especially in the coming months.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Our Girls

Some of you who are friends with me on Facebook may be confused about our two girls. We were originally told Baby A was a boy, but once we got home from the hospital we received a call that Baby A was actually a girl too. I guess they had to get her all cleaned up to tell. Funny how all along I just knew we were having two girls, mother's intuition I suppose.
It took us a few days to name the babies. We wanted names that had a lot of meaning to us. When we selected their names, we were still under the impression Baby A was a boy. Luckily we had selected a gender neutral name, Gentry. This is a name we have talked about for years, as the first time we truly "hung out" was at Montgomery Gentry concert (in 2005). It only seemed appropriate that we name the first baby after something that was the beginning of our relationship. Baby B's name, Savannah, comes from Savannah, GA being the last place we vacationed before our IVF cycle. That trip was full of so much joy and hope, some of our favorite memories from our marriage.
Both of their names are happy memories from our relationship, just as our babies gave us so much happiness & our memories of them will continue to do so.

These are the balloons we releases for the girls.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Angel Babies

On Saturday, February 25th I started having terrible pains in my hips & lower abdomen, but I just chalked it up to growing pains and went on to work. We were having an autograph signing at one of our stores, so it was a busy day. As the day went on, the pain only got worse, almost crippling. I asked to leave work and called my husband. Upon hearing how much pain I was in, he immediately left work and called my parents. I stopped at my parents house because they only live 2 minutes from the store I was working at. My parents weren't there at the time, but they came home to check on me. My dad immediately called 911, just as I had a gush of blood. I knew something wasn't right, this was different from any bleeding I had ever experienced with the subchorionic. I just knew I was losing my babies.
Thankfully the fire station is only 5 blocks from my parents' house, so the ambulance arrived quickly. They immediately loaded me up an took me to the hospital.
The hospital hooked me up to a contraction monitor to see if that's what the pain was from, it was. I was in labor at 19 weeks, 3 days. I knew this wasn't good because if the babies were to be born, they were too early to be saved. When they took me back for an ultrasound, the tech asked 3 or 4 times if I was sure we were having twins because she only saw one baby - not good. After much searching, she found Baby A in my cervix with no heartbeat. We had already lost one of our babies.
Once they took me back to my room in the ER, they told me they had to wait on the doctor to come in. She explained that I would have to deliver Baby A, and they weren't sure what would happen to Baby B - it would be a wait and see. After about two hours in the ER, I was moved to labor and delivery. It was a place I didn't want to see for many more weeks, but there I was, knowing I had to deliver one of my babies and possibly lose the other too. At 11:29pm on 2/25 Baby A was born. An ultrasound after showed Baby B still bouncing around, so we prayed for a miracle.
After a sleepless night, I began experiencing the worst labor pain at 6:30am on 2/26. I was calling the nurses for more epidural, and it was taking forever for anyone to come. I knew Baby B was right there, so I called the nurses in, but there was no doctor. At 7:02am, Baby B was born (with no pain meds or assistance from nurses or a doctor). She was kicking when she came out, but did not make it for more than a minute.
In a short time span, we had lost both of our sweet girls - Gentry & Savannah.
Nothing can ever prepare you for the death of your children. This has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. Last week we were going to buy their cribs once we found out the sex, instead we picked out their casket & burial place. We had their service on March 3.
It just doesn't seem fair, especially all that it took to get pregnant with the girls, but I know God has a plan for us. We will continue to trust in Him to give us peace and guide us.
I will forever treasure the 5 months I had the girls, especially the 3 weeks I got to feel them kick, roll, and squirm around in my belly. The hospital took photos of the girls, their hands, and their feet. I am so thankful for that. We also got to see and kiss them one last time the day of the funeral. Gentry looks just like me, but has her daddy's toes. Savannah looks like her daddy, but has my feet. They were absolutely perfect & beautiful.
I miss them everyday and will always carry them with me.

My last belly photo, taken the day I went into labor (so thankful something told me to take this picture).