Friday, November 1, 2013

Hello, November!

I can't believe it is November, and it has been months since I last blogged! I am loving the trees changing colors and all things pumpkin flavored, now if the weather could just stay cool I would be happy.

I made it through Halloween, yay! A friend blogged yesterday about how Halloween is a hard holiday for a bereaved parent - and it is. My facebook and instagram feeds were full of cute babies in their costumes. Each post was a reminder of who should be here and what we are missing. On top of the cuteness overload, Halloween was the date of our embryo transfer with Gentry and Savannah. Halloween is officially the day I got pregnant . . . sounds like it could be a wild, drunken story, ha! Our girls will also be my pumpkins because of this. On top of already being down, everyone in my department left early so they could go get their kids ready to trick or treat. I was the only one left in my department, and it was such a lonely feeling. I am looking forward to the year we can have a cutie of our own to dress up, and it not be such a sad day.

Time for Updates:
Marty took the job that offered less pay. It has been an adjustment for us, but I think we are doing just fine. I am just thankful he is working.

I got a promotion (yay!). I am now Marketing Manager for our company. So excited! 

My parents decided to hold off on building a house and having us move in with them. We had gone so far as to select a builder and a lot to build on, but I think it was too much change for my mom. They have lived in their house for so long, I don't know that they will ever leave. Although I do think they are going to need us living with them at some point. But for now we are staying in our house.

I am supposed to have a call today or early next week with an attorney to discuss some options regarding adoption through her as opposed to an agency. I am also going to ask about the gestational surrogacy  process in our state, just in case the perfect person is found. I am pretty excited to get the ball moving on something. It may be a few months out so we can have time to save more money, and maybe find Marty a better paying job. But, at least we are getting our information together.

S&G's Fall Flowers

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Updates

The past few months have been crazy I tell you! Trying to decide next steps to baby, then Marty losing his jobe, and my parents putting their house on the market to find something large enough for us all. As one of my friends recently told me, "Every time I talk to you these days there is a life changing update." That's how I feel, my life has changed so much since our appointment in Atlanta and continues to be ever changing. So here are the updates:

1) Next Baby Steps
I don't think I ever posted this here. But after the appointment in Atlanta, several talks (with A LOT of people), and lots of prayer. Marty and I decided to pursue adoption to have more babies. We had even been talking to an agency and home study agent. No paperwork was filled out because we wanted to save money and pay off some debt before going any further. So, we were quite excited and doing well with that decision . . . .until he lost his job. As you probably know, they don't just let anyone adopt a baby. One of the many criteria is that you have to have steady income. Well, with Marty not having a job that kind of takes us out the pool. We still want to pursue adoption, but for now it is even more on hold than before. At least until he can find another job and be there long enough to prove the "steadiness". 

We will still be keeping our 3 embryos frozen in the chance that the right person comes along to be a carrier for us. But for now, we don't have that person and don't want to go through a surrogacy agency. This was one of the deciding factors in deciding on adoption. 

2) Marty Needs a Job
It has been almost a month now that Marty has been unemployed. It seems like he applied for over 100 jobs, with no call backs. Thankfully, this week the phone started to ring. He had an interview yesterday and was offered the job. But, it would be a 50% pay decrease. It is better than nothing of course, but he wants to keep his option open. He told them he would let them know by Friday. He has a phone interview with another company today (yay!) and another interview on Friday. Maybe between the three of those one will work out. None of them are his "dream job" or in a dream field, but again, we just need him to be working so we can get us a baby =)

3) Moving In with Mom & Dad
My parents had an appointment with an agent to come see their house to see what they would need to update, list price, etc. But a crazy thing happened. The agent had a couple in need of a wheelchair home who hadn't been able to find anything . .. until my parent's house. Being that my dad has been in a wheelchair for 30+ years, their house is completely wheelchair accessible. So, the couple saw my parents house THE SAME DAY! And, they loved it and want it. Isn't that wild?! Of all of the agent out there, this one had a family who needed a house just like my parents.So, now they are waiting on the guy to get all of his approval from the VA to move forward. My parents (and me & Marty) have started the house hunt. 

So there are the updates on our ever changing lives. 

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Weight of the World

Lately I have been feeling as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. For starters, now that Marty doesn't have a job, we are solely relying on my income. He was making almost double what I make, so it is quite a big loss. It has been two weeks now with no leads. He has applied for a lot of jobs, but hasn't heard back on any of them. On top of that, my parents have been needing more and more at their house. Doing little things like heating their dinner, changing lightbulbs, doing laundry. Nothing too taxing, but after working a full time I help them then do all the same at our house. And because of all of this, we have to put any baby plans on hold. For the past 3.5 years I have been doing something to try to become a mom. Now it has all come to a halt.

My parents are also looking to move soon, and they are looking at houses large enough we could move in with them. This would help a lot, as I am increasingly helping them out at their current home already. But this makes me feel bad for Marty. Here we are younger than 30 looking at moving in with my parents to help take care of them. Not the life he imagined I am sure. He has been nothing but supportive of the idea, but I do know it isn't the dream situation.

All of these things led to a mini meltdown on Sunday. I was tired emotionally, physically, & mentally. But one thing I know for sure is we are strong as a couple, and I have no doubt that each of these curve balls life is throwing at us is only deepening our bond. And in the long run, they will reveal a piece of God's plan for us. I am trying to view the loss of Marty's job as a blessing, a chance to move to a company and position where he will be happy. Moving in with my parents (if it happens) will allow us more time to spend with them and help us save for our next steps to bringing home a baby.

Monday, August 5, 2013

When It Rains . . .

Well, you know the rest . . . it pours. Just when we were figuring out our next steps to baby, Marty lost his job. This happened last week, so I haven't yet reached full panic state yet. I am trying to think this will be better in the long run, to give him the chance to get in a field where he will be happy. If you will, please pray for him (and us).

Friday, July 19, 2013

Due Date Anniversary

Yesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me.

Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own office.

Then today a company wide email went out from C telling us announcing an employee had a baby this morning, including a photo of the baby girl. And, one of my boss's wife had their baby about an hour ago. I am so happy for both of them, but it also makes me so sad.

This week I can't quit thinking about how my girls should be celebrating their first birthday, and I imagine what kind of theme I would have had. I wonder what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, & what their laughs would sound like. It is crazy to know that had everything gone right I would have two one year old daughters right now.

But, here I am trying so hard to let go of what "should be" so that we can move forward and try to figure out how we can get Savannah & Gentry a baby sibling.

I love you, S&G!

Monday, July 8, 2013

Decisions, decisions


We are still in the decision making process about what to do next. I am about 70% sure I don't want to do another FET, but don't want to say I have counted it out completely.

We have been researching adoption more and more. It is such a detailed process, I want to have most of my bases covered before we dive in to anything. It is an exciting, but intimidating process to think about!

We also haven't take surrogacy off of the table yet either. For us to pursue that, we would really have to find the right person. I don't know that I would want to use an agency, due to the cost. Oddly enough, today at the printer I was talking to my boss's assistant (T) about trying to decide what to do. She has mentioned trying to be a surrogate before, but today she told me she asked her son what his opinion is on it. Apparently, she is really serious about this. But, she is close to mid-40s and newly single after a divorce. I don't know if it's the right time in her life. I was talking to another co-worker about it, and she told me that T is dead serious about it because she has talked to the rest of the girls in the office about it. It would be an amazing gift, but again I don't know if the timing is right for her. (I know she is the one who brought it up, but don't think she is thinking about day to day life, just the end process of me being a mommy.)

Grief wise I have really been pretty well. I still miss my baby girls so much, but I have been feeling pretty good. Until the 4th of July. We went to Marty's family reunion that day, where I met a ton of people I had never seen before (big family). His mom introduced me to one if her cousins , and he told her it was time for grandchildren. Marty and I just said "one day". He went on and on about it and how he thought we should have twins. It took every ounce of strength in me not to shout "We already have twins!" But, not wanting to be socially awkward I just smiled and nodded. I wanted to fall down and cry right there. Those unexpected moments are what hurt the most.

So, for now we are praying on our options and clarity on which direction to go.

Written on my phone - apologize for any and all errors.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Next Steps

We had our appointment with the new doctor in Atlanta on Friday. I really liked the doctor and his staff. They were so friendly and full of personality. I was so excited as we sat in the waiting room. But once we left, I was as confused as ever.

In short, he told me there would be no reason to do a FET with him because his protocol varies only slightly from our current doctor. Exact same meds, only difference is the timing of them. He said all things considered with a single transfer we are looking at about a 33% chance of getting pregnant from a FET. He thinks he could be done using the 3 frozen embryos we have, but that I should be prepared for a difficult pregnancy given my history.

I asked him about using a carrier, but he didn't seem to think that was a good idea based on cost, psychological effects, etc. Didn't offer an opinion on adoption. But, I feel like by telling me to prepare for a difficult pregnancy he was cautioning me against getting pregnant.

So now, the adoption research gets serious. So far I have only talked to one agency and one licensed person for a home study. I am going to continue to research adoption agencies, if anyone reading this has any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Moments

My niece who lives out of town has been visiting for the last few days. And boy does she keep you on your toes. A ball of energy for sure. But, I wouldn't change a thing about her! We spent Saturday at my parent's pool, and she came home with me after. To say I was exhausted was an understatement. When she came over the first thing she asked was why we have so much baby stuff in our house. I guess being so young she had forgotten about the girls in the last year. So, I told her that all of the baby things were for our twin girls that we had been expecting. She said "You were going to have twins?". I told her yes, and she quickly moved on to the TV and the Disney Channel. I left her on the couch while I hopped in the shower.She was asleep by the time I got out, so I laid in my bed and caught up on emails.She woke up and joined me on the bed.

As we lay there curled up watching Disney, she started asking questions about the girls. She asked if they died in my stomach or after? Did I have them in the hospital or at home? What exactly happened to them? What were their names? Did I have pictures of them? What did they look like? Were they cute? And on and on. Honestly, it was the best conversation I have had about Savannah and Gentry aside from those with Marty. The innocence and genuine concern for me and the girls was just the sweetest. Amazing that I am surrounded by so many friends and family members and none of them have ever asked so many questions about S & G, or my feelings about them. Leave it to an 8 year old who has no edit button (because she also told me my fat roll must be because of the babies) to give me the most sincere conversation about my daughters. It was a great moment, one she will probably not remember, but it will always stick with me.

Marty and I took her to dinner that night, and she told him that I told her about the girls and that is why we have so many owls in our house. It was pretty cute. She went to church with us Sunday morning too. The whole time she stayed curled up to me. She continually looked up to me with her big blue eyes and smiled. Having those sweet moments and spending so much time with her just reminded me that everything I am going through to try to have more babies will be worth it in the end. Honestly, those mom type moments with her this weekend made my heart feel so full, I know I am meant to a mom one day, one way or another.




Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Emotions

After the loss of our girls and riding the infertility roller coaster I have become a much, much more emotional person. I used to never cry, unless really mad or hurt. But now just about everything makes me cry. Before this, I could cope better with the things going on in my life, now I fall apart easily. Prime example being on Memorial Day weekend when we went to Missouri to visit my dad's side of the family.

My Brother and Dad
I don't know if I ever mentioned it before, but I have two half brothers who suffer from strokes. One of my brothers is losing his eyesight. The other is in a nursing home and has been for probably 10 years or so. He can't talk; he tries but it only comes out as noises. We have no idea what he is trying to say. This has always made me sad, but when we visited him a few weeks ago I just couldn't keep it together. Maybe it was because Marty was there, and normally it's just me and my parents. In those situations I feel like I need to be the strong one. Despite the 13 year age difference between the two of us, we were always close. My parents talk about how my mom had to stay in the hospital additional days after I was born, so my dad and brother took care of me. My dad would wake him up every time I needed to be fed and my brother would feed me. At 13, he had that much love for me. (side note: my dad is paralyzed so he couldn't feed me). Anyway, when we went to visit him he wasn't expecting to see me, When he saw me, his face lit up brighter than a Christmas tree and he reached out his one mobile arm for me. I fell into his arms and he wouldn't let me go. It was the sweetest thing. Then as we were all sitting around in the day room of the nursing home, he just decided to roll his wheelchair out. We thought he was going to smoke. I went walking down the hall towards the smoking area, but he was coming back towards me. When we met, he handed me a picture frame turned upside down. When I flipped it over there was a picture of me from my wedding day. I about fell apart right there, but he kept holding up one finger to his lips telling me to keep quiet.  I don't know why I was so emotionally struck, but maybe it was because I had never seen a photo of me in his room before. It was just so heartbreaking, my big brother not able to communicate with me, but saying so much in that moment. When it was time to go, I just broke down walking down the hall with Marty's arm around me.
Me and My Brothers Years Ago

Before the visit at the nursing home we went to lunch with my parents, oldest brother, his wife, my niece, a bunch of cousins, and aunts and uncles.But there we were at lunch with my one cousin who has twin boys, a glaring reminder of our twin girls missing from the family lunch. Another cousin who has a 3 year old, 1 year, and his wife expecting their third. A reminder of my infertility. There was my mom whose dementia was flaring up that day, breaking my heart because I miss being able to have a normal conversation with my mom. There was my cousin who lost her one day old son in October and who is now doing IVF to have another baby, my heart aches for her. All of these things were breaking my heart, yet the love I have for all of these people was holding it together. Reflecting on that on the drive home once again had me in tears, there I was being all sappy and emotional again.

Some times I am still taken by surprise when I have these emotional breakdowns. It's amazing how two little girls and infertility have changed me. I am not as strong as I thought I was before. I think it's a good thing. Because despite the sadness and weakness, I do love and laugh harder too.


Friday, May 17, 2013

Friday Fun

It seems as though all of latest posts have been "negative Nancy", so I thought I would post about some of the fun stuff I have been up to, mostly pictures.

Before we started the last FET, we took a vacation to Orlando and Key West. Key West is the most beautiful place I have even been, and I am ready to go back! In Orlando, we saw our U of M Tiger basketball team play UCF, saw our Memphis Grizzlies (NBA) play the Orlando magic, took in some Braves Spring Training, and went to the Plant City Strawberry Festival where we got to meet Dwight Yoakam. You can imagine after all of that I was ready for some relaxation in Key West. It was pretty chilly there this year, so we didn't get to swim or layout, but it was still beautiful.
Key West Sunset from our Hotel Pier
Braves Spring Training

Me & Dwight Yoakam

Key West Southernmost Point

On a Boat in Key West

View from our Hotel Balcony

Marty & Dwight Yoakam

Strawberry Shortcake at Strawberry Festival

Chocolate Dipped Key Lime Pie

Disney Fun

We also went to see the Atlanta Braves play one of their minor league teams. It's not everyday that a Major League teams plays in Mississippi. So, we took the weekend for a little getaway. Marty got to catch up with an old friend he hasn't seen in years, and we got some good time together.

Now, our Memphis Grizzlies are in the NBA Playoffs. We went to one of the games last round against OKC. It was so much fun. The arena is a totally different place when the Playoffs are in town! Here we are with our "Growl Towels".

Surprisingly, Mother's Day was a good day. The weekend was hard, but the actual day was good. We went to church, went to lunch with my parents and an aunt, went to visit my Great Aunt and Great Uncle, went to visit our babies at the cemetery, and then went to dinner with Marty's parents. It was a busy day filled with a lot of love.
Mother's Day roses from my parents, bouquet from my parents, Carnation from S&G's  Cemetery

Me & Babies

At the Cemetery

Monday, May 13, 2013

Frustration

My doctor finally called me on Friday afternoon. I think I would have rather him not call at that point. By the end of the call I was beyond frustrated. I am not even exaggerating when I say the call started off with 2 minutes of silence. Then he started the conversation by saying I know we have talked about transferring two before, but decided against it. Why don't you talk to your husband and see what he says. I told him that we were supposed to transfer two this time, but one didn't survive thawing. His response? "Oh, then I guess I decided not to thaw another." What do you mean you guess? You should have just said something like "oh yeah" then continued on.
That was pretty much all he wanted to say, so I started asking questions like what would he suggest we do differently, change medication, change dosage, anything? His first response was "The only thing I would do would be to thaw them the morning of instead of the night before." I had to continue probing. I asked if the low progesterone would be anything to address in future cycles. He said "Well, your progesterone was 31 the day of the pregnancy test. That is plenty high to support a pregnancy." So I told him that was probably because I increased progesterone after the transfer per instructions after getting labs back. He said, "Well, we didn't increase it after the transfer." I then had to remind him that it was not increased until the day of the transfer. We battled back and forth about this until he finally saw it on the chart. So then he suggested we start with the higher dose of progesterone before the transfer next time. I wanted to say, "duh!", but refrained. With my fresh cycle I was over double the dose I was on with these two frozen. I know that it it common to be on more with a fresh cycle because of all of the other medications, but you would think that seeing as progesterone with low with first FET and my history of low progesterone you would have adjusted that this time around. Not to say that would have made the difference, but it couldn't hurt to try it.
So, again he tried to get off the call and told me he wanted to schedule an appointment for the next month so that we could further discuss and give Marty a chance to ask questions. I told him at this time we are done with IVF, but would consider talking to him in July (knowing we have the appointment in Atlanta next month). I think this ticked him off even more than my prodding. He said, "Well, then I will let you make your own appointment. That is disappointing to here." I told him it was just an emotional roller coaster and financially I can't keep doing this over and over with no change in protocol.
And, that was pretty much  the end of the call. The fact that he just seemed so unaware of my protocol, history, and original discussions to transfer two annoyed me. Not to say I won't go back. If the doctor in Atlanta doesn't have any different game plan then I would just go back to my doctor here and not worry with the shipping of embryos and all. Of course at this point, Atlanta may not be realistic anyway with travel and my work schedule, plus travel expenses, and cost of their FETs. Hopefully though next month I will feel less frustrated and feel like we are going in the right direction.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Change in Direction

On Friday, after we got the results I was was CRUSHED. I swore up and down all weekend that I was DONE with IVF. I NEVER wanted to see another PIO needle or estrogen patch. I was ready to look at adoption or trying to find a gestational carrier. It was time to change directions on this path to parenthood.

And, now here I am with an appointment in June with another RE. Technically still a change in direction, just not as drastic. After talking to two of my bosses who have gone through IVF with their wives several times, they gave me a little of my determination back. Both of them were patients here with my same doctor. Both had several failed cycles here, along with terrible "customer service" experiences. I have only had a few run ins on that side of things, one that is going on now. Both of these couples then went to RBA in Atlanta, and both had successes. Another co-worker also went there and had two successful cycles. So now, we will be headed to Atlanta for a consultation next month. If we like what they have to say regarding protocol changes or other suggestions, we would be able to ship our 3 remaining embryos there to do a transfer.

They may tell me that the FET protocols I have been on are fine, and they wouldn't change a thing. In that case, we will probably will be done with IVF (at least for awhile). If they change things up, or offer me a glimmer of hope, we will forge on. I do have to say that the doctor's assistant who called me to set up the appointment was amazing. So sweet, understanding, and encouraging.

As it stands with my doctor here, I am still waiting on my follow up call to this transfer. He was supposed to call on Monday, but here it is lunch time Wednesday without a call. I honestly believe that he just doesn't know what he would say to me at this point, so he is avoiding me. Or so it seems.

So, yeah, big things ahead for us. I am somehow allowing myself to get a little excited. Oh, and we do still have an adoption information package on the way. =)

Friday, May 3, 2013

Big Fat Negative

I had my beta today, another big fat negative. "Charlie Brown" didn't stick around. I found this Charlie Brown quote today, and that pretty much summarizes how I am feeling today.

Monday, April 29, 2013

4 Days

This waiting period is the calmest I have ever been in my life. So calm in fact, it is starting to weird out me and Marty. I am the girl who frets, worries, and stresses over EVERYTHING! The two prior transfers I was Google happy with anything I felt was out of the norm. This time, not as much. I have googled a few things, like progesterone levels. But, I found nothing really.

Marty nicknamed our embryo Charlie Brown. I can't even remember how it came up, but it made me laugh so hard it has stuck. Every night he says good night to Charlie Brown and says he hopes Charlie is still there. He is a mess.

I have had some cramping off and on since the transfer, and a little spotting the day after. However, I am not looking much in to this. It could be implantation. But, it could also be from the transfer procedure itself. This weekend I had some pretty intense dizzy spells with nausea. I am going to chalk that one up to the PIO. I really hate that all of the medication side effects replicate early pregnancy symptoms. But, only 4 days until we find out for sure. I am trying so hard not to go buy a pregnancy test for everyday we have left. So far, so good. We will see if I can continue holding out. Come on, Friday!!


Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Transfer Day!

Today was transfer day. We were supposed to transfer two embryos, but only survived the thawing. So, we ended up only transferring the one. The doctor felt this was best anyway because of my high probability of twins. It makes me think the one embryo has a pretty good shot if he said that. Oh, and it hatched this morning, which is the next step in implantation. Grade wise, it is a 6BB. According to my google research this is good for a frozen embryo.

Unfortunately, my progesterone level was a bit low today. It was 21.4, and they like it to be 25 or more. So they increased my dosage of PIO a bit. I am trying to worry too much about that since it isn't extremely low. Again, google research says above 20 is usually good. Hopefully the increase in PIO will help us out.

Funny moment from today - we were in the transfer room with me in position, and the doctor said "3rd time. Ashley, I think I could give you a do it yourself kit at this point." He has such a dry sense of humor it tickled me.

Now we play the waiting game. Stick little embryo!!



Wednesday, April 17, 2013

So Excited!!

I had my last lab and ultrasound before the transfer today. They said everything looks PERFECT! My uterine lining was measuring 10.2 and had the triple stripe - which is what they look for. This has never been mentioned to me before, so I don't know if that happened our previous two cycles. But, if that is what they are looking for it sounds good. We are officially scheduled for our transfer to take place next Wednesday, April 24. Woohoo! I am so excited!!!
Say lots of prayers for us; we are so close!

Monday, April 15, 2013

Progress

We made a lot of progress on future baby's room this weekend. We finally painted! We were able to pull out the girls' changing table and a small chest, and I LOVE the way it looks! We keep joking that now all we need is to be pregnant. I am sure our process sounds so out of order to everyone else, but it really helps me feel like we have a clean slate. And, just the fact that I was able to put the girls' changing table in their without a breakdown told me just how ready I am to try to have another baby. Anyway, here is how it turned out (there is another wall not pictured that the crib will go on):




Thursday, April 11, 2013

Babies on the Brain

The closer we are getting to our transfer date the more I daydream about future babies and the more I think about our baby girls. 

I enjoy letting myself getting hopeful. I have allowed myself to look at baby things online, especially on pinterest. I love collecting ideas for a nursery, looking at furniture, and bedding. These things get me so excited for our upcoming transfer.

Last night I had a dream I was at my OB/GYN to pick up a book and go to a class because I was entering my third trimester, and they required this of all patients. In the class were several old high school classmates who I haven't seen or talked to in years. But, as we were in the class I was freaking out because I realized I hadn't had an ultrasound the entire pregnancy. Now those of you who have been to a RE know how that would NEVER happen, but in my dream it did. 

It was a totally bizarre dream. I'm sure some of this had to do with the fact that my cousin and his wife had a baby yesterday, and a friend made their gender reveal on facebook yesterday. But still it left be waking up feeling hopeful. It would be AMAZING to get to the third trimester, and maybe this FET will get us there and allow us to bring home a healthy baby! 

With that, I also woke up thinking about our girls. It is funny how random memories will pop up . . . some happy, some sad. The one today was sad. I remembered waking up from a nap on the couch, either the day we came home from the hospital or the day after, and hearing a commotion. I barely opened my eyes to see what it was. It was Marty going up and down from the attic. I opened my eyes up enough to see what he was carrying, and it was all of the gear we had purchased for the girls . . . swings, bouncy seats, diapers, wipes, changing pad, changing pad cover, blankets, etc. And the things that weren't in boxes he put in drawers of a spare desk. I continued to lay there as if I was asleep, but tears rolled down my face watching this act of love. How hard it must have been for him to put these things away by himself, but he was trying to protect me. He knew how hard it was for me to come home from the hospital. I wanted to stay there as long as I could so that I didn't have to walk past all of the baby things and relive so many sweet moments we had shared at home dreaming of our twins and the life we would have with them. In fact, I would have been fine to never go back home. Still over a year later, it makes me cry thinking of watching him make those trips up and down the attic stairs. I love my sweet husband.

And, I hope that I can keep babies on my brain with a successful FET! 

Monday, April 8, 2013

God's Mercies

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she mentioned she saw something on Pinterest that reminded her of me. She couldn't remember exactly what it said, but it was something to the effect of sometimes God takes away things he has given you because they aren't part of the perfect plan He has. I told her I had thought about that with the girls. What if something more serious would have been wrong with them down the road, and losing them during pregnancy is His mercy on me - protecting from an even greater pain. I have no idea if that is the purpose behind our loss, but it has crossed my mind. She asked if it helps me to think of it that way. I told her that the biggest thing that has helped me along in the past year was a thought I had months ago.

We were sitting in church one Sunday, and they were talking about the crucifixion. The preacher mentioned how Jesus asked John to take care of his mother as he was dying on the cross. In that moment, something just clicked in my brain. God gave US His son so that we could have the promise of Heaven. Jesus's mother had to watch him be crucified on the cross. How could I be so selfish as to question God why he took my baby girls when he gave us His son for something so great? It took a lot to keep my composure in church that day. But that was a huge turning point for me. I am so thankful for God's love and His mercies.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16



Friday, April 5, 2013

Funny

My period decided to show up today. Yay! Makes me feel much better about this cycle. But, I just had to share this text exchange between Marty & me this morning. Funny how infertility makes you become an open book, and funny how Marty now takes all of my "TMI". This just tickled me this morning, so I thought I would share.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Step 1

"Step 1" of this FET cycle is done. I did my first Lupron injection last night. Boy, did that make it real. I just about cried, not because of the shot, but because of the reality that we are REALLY going through with this again. It makes me excited, nervous, a touch sad, overall just emotional. I totally was not expecting to have a reaction. But now that the initial shot is over, I feel like it's just routine.

I do have one concern with this cycle, but the doctor's office didn't seem to think it was an issue. I had my first labwork done yesterday to check E2 levels. It was day 4 since my last birth control pill, meaning I should have started my period then. Today is day 5  and still no sign of a period. But, the nurse said my E2 level was low enough yesterday (32) that it was ok. I am trusting their advice, but I would feel better if my body reacted the way it should have. I have never had that happen after stopping BCP. I tried researching on Google, but didn't find much. But, again, I am going to trust the doctor.

I go back for another lab and ultrasound on April 17, so hopefully everything will look ok to still do the transfer the next week. If all goes well, we are 3 weeks out from our transfer. So exciting!!

The first shot is done! Yay!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Right Direction

My box of meds came in last week! Seeing all of the medication and needles pretty much feels like normal life these days. I go in for my first lab appointment next week and will start my Lupron injections that day. I am psyching myself up for the first injection. I cut out all caffeine this week, as I have done the two previous cycles. I am a coffee lover, and I feel like giving it up is a bit harder this time. I am struggling to hold my eyes open. Totally worth it, I know. So here we are, no turning back!

I am feeling fairly optimistic about this cycle. Or at least more ready for it. I know looking back I wasn't ready to try again on our second cycle. I was still in SUPER grieving mode, dealing with a lot of guilt, and just not physically ready. This time I in a totally different state of mind. I still miss my babies and wish they were here so I wouldn't have to be going through another IVF cycle so soon, but I think I have accepted that this is what I need to do in order to move forward. I also know that if it doesn't work, I am in a place where I won't be crushed. Would I be sad and disappointed? Of course. But after all we have been through in the last year, it would be minimal in the "pain" category. I really feel like God has led me to this point. I had to work through a lot in the last year to get here, but I finally feel at peace about trying IVF again. Are there still anxieties and worries, of course. But like I said in a previous post, I am giving it all to God. It is out of my control.

We have made a little progress on painting what would be the nursery. And by little, I mean not much other than picking out the paint color. I have the mattress and box spring sold that were in that room, I am just waiting on the person to come get it. Then I still have to figure out what to do with the bed and frame (storage maybe), clean everything else out, and buy all of the painting supplies. But surely I can get that done in 4 weeks, right?! Still a lot to do. But for the first time in a long while I feel like we are moving in the right direction.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Our Next FET

I called the doctor this week, and it looks like our next FET will be the week of April 22. A short six weeks from now. There is so much I want to do before we actually do the transfer.

The biggest one being painting the future nursery. It is still the color it was when the house was built and we moved in. We never painted it when I was pregnant with the girls because I was waiting to find out the sex of the babies. But, this time around is different. Since I will be on bed rest beginning at 12 weeks, I want to get somethings done before I ever get pregnant so that I can have some part in setting up my child's room. It's those little things I won't be able to do on bed rest that I don't want to miss out on. So, we currently have about 40 shades of beige, brown, gray, and greige taped to the wall of the nursery along with some fabric samples. Even if I don't get pregnant with this FET, I feel like a fresh coat of paint will feel like a fresh start.

I would also like to lose 10 pounds (or more if possible). I am about 4 pounds heavier now than I was when I got pregnant, but have goal I would like to be at . . . wish me luck.

I honestly thought that after our vacation last week I would come back rested and mentally prepared to start IVF again, but currently I can't psych myself up for it. In part, I think it is because I wish I could just have my girls. It's another part fear. I am trying, and getting much better, at turning it all over to God. I know that if something were to happen in any future pregnancies there is nothing I can do to prevent it, other than not trying to get pregnant. I know the only way I am going to get through a future pregnancy is with faith, prayer, and worship. I can't live my life in fear of what could happen.

I have said it before, but I honestly believe this will be our last attempt. We are transferring two embryos this time (still weird to me how a doctor can change his recommendation so easily), which means we will have 3 left possibly for a gestational surrogate.

Please keep us in your prayers for the next few months and hope that FET #2 is a success.

Monday, March 11, 2013

Happy First Birthday, S & G!

I am two weeks behind on this post because I needed time to myself, and then Marty and I went on vacation.

February 25th was Gentry Ann's first birthday, and February 26th was Savannah Elizabeth's first birthday. Due to our work schedules, Marty and I went to the cemetery on the 24th to celebrate our babies' Heavenly birthdays. The weather was amazing, and I think our girls were shining down some extra sunshine on us. We put some balloons on their grave and released 1 pink and 1 purple balloon to Heaven.

Happy First Birthday, Gentry & Savannah!






Thursday, February 21, 2013

Angels

Monday will be one year since our sweet babies went to Heaven. It just doesn't seem real. This time last year I had no idea what was to come. I was blissfully naive and busy planning for my two babies. It is amazing how your world can be turned upside down in just a moment. A year ago I had no idea what an incompetent cervix was - did not even know such a thing existed. And now, here I am a mother to two angels because of IC.
My heart has been extra heavy this week thinking of my girls. My two miracle babies taken too soon. I pray they know I much I loved them in the time I had with them, and how I will continue to love them. They will always be my little pumpkins, baby boos, peanuts, little Sullys, and all of the other nicknames we had for them. They will always be my first borns, my daughters, Savannah & Gentry. My angels.
This week as I was driving to work, I saw a heart in the clouds. Perhaps a little love from my babies? I know a piece of my heart is forever in the clouds.


Friday, February 8, 2013

Bluebirds

This morning I saw the prettiest, most vibrantly colored little bluebirds. The were chasing one another in front of my windshield while driving through my neighborhood. I couldn't help by think of my sweet girls and smile.

In just 17 days it will be one year. So hard to believe that the time has passed so quickly.

Friday, January 11, 2013

"Memory Button Stuck on Repeat"


"I sure felt it when ya left
Memory button stuck on repeat
Mind skippin’ like a record machine
Over and over that goodbye scene
Keeps spinnin’ in my head"
 - Eric Church

These lyrics pretty much sum up how it has been lately for me. The closer it gets to the one year mark of losing Gentry & Savannah, the more I think about that day. My mind replays every moment of that day over and over, and the days in the week following. I can remember what was said, what I thought, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. It just won't stop. I don't know if it ever will. Some days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, some days my test gets so tight I can't breathe, some days I just sob, some days I am too numb to react.

Christmas Day was the 10 month anniversary of the girls being born. All I could think about was how we should have our two daughters here with us. Last Christmas we thought we would. I remember that year when I left work before Christmas I told them, "I'm out; going to spend some time with Marty since it's our last Christmas just the two of us. Next year we will be a family of four." Those words haunt me.I can replay that in my head over and over too. 

My great memory has always been seen as an asset, especially at work. Now I consider it a flaw. 

I MISS MY BABIES!!