I mention the new partner and growth because it has thrown another wrench in to my baby decisions. Previously it had been decided that if I were to do IVF and get pregnant again I would be allowed to work from home for the 28 weeks of bed rest. I had a feeling that with all of the company growth now anticipated that would change, and it has. They will still allow me to work from home, but with a slight job change, reduction in hours, and reduction in pay . . . like half the hours & pay. Marty and I had pretty much decided that we would try IVF one more time before seriously pursuing a gestational carrier. But now I am back to undecided. I think the cost of using my cousin and cost of going part time would just about even out. But if I go part time, there is no promise my current job would still be here for me after I returned. And, I just don't think I could afford part time pay with new baby expenses. I just don't know what to do.
Also going on right now, my mom is having some major health issues. I have never mentioned it before, but it seems as though she has early Alzheimer. While her MRIs have always come back fine, she is not. There are many times when I talk to her and she has no idea who my dad is, what her address is, her phone number, or any comprehension of what I am saying. She is only 59. Way too young to be going through this. The doctors have said it appears that depression makes her case worse. I believe it because she has been getting worse since the girls. She also had a stillborn daughter before I was born. My dad seems to think there are a lot of unresolved feelings and depression surrounding their loss, so after I loss the girls it brought all of those feelings back up. It hurts me so much to see her like this. Her mom also suffered from Alzheimer, and it eventually took her life. I don't want this for my mom, or dad. I know it is hard on him trying to take care of her. He himself is a quadriplegic, and has been my entire life.
My mind and heart have both been weighed down this year with all of this going on. And it has really taken a toll on me. It is so hard to find a balance as well. I have so many people who need me and have expectations for me - work, Marty, my parents, my dog, my friends - and I have some major decisions that need to be made. I know this is all over the place, but I am STRESSED!