Down That Forever Road

After our visit to the cemetery this weekend, I received a call that the girls' headstone was in and installed. Today I went on my lunch break to see it and make sure they had arranged the flowers correctly. I am so glad the headstone is finally in - just in time for Christmas. I was fine driving there, but as soon as I saw the headstone I started crying. To borrow a lyric from Miranda Lambert, "it really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone." It just hit me that this was really my daughters' resting place - not that I haven't been aware of that, but something about seeing it spelled out just hit harder. It was the first time I visited them by myself. I just kept telling them I love them and that I am sorry. I still have guilt that as their mommy I wasn't able to do anything to protect them or keep them alive. I love those babies so much. I can't believe it has almost been a year. But, the headstone looks beautiful, and I am glad they finally

Marty and I went by the cemetery this weekend to put out Gentry & Savannah's Christmas flowers. I always make their arrangements, and it is something I enjoy. Yes, it is sad, but it is the only thing I can really give or do for my girls here on Earth. I take my time in picking out the just right flowers and decorations, nothing too grown up, and always season appropriate :) My parents went with us this time; my sister (their stillborn baby) is buried 4 plots down from our girls. They never finalized the headstone for my sister 30 years ago, but my dad did so a few months ago when I paid off S & G's headstone. My mom had no idea, so when she saw the marker she just started crying. It was a sad, but sweet moment. My mom and I just held each other crying for our daughters. Since our girls aren't here to celebrate Christmas with us, Marty and I decided to adopt two babies from the Salvation Army Angel Tree in memory of them. We chose two 8 month olds, 1 boy &

I have been a little MIA on here lately, but I am back in action. A few things have happened since my last post. 1) I had a breakdown at the work Thanksgiving party. Everyone in the office had to go around and say what they are thankful for this year. As soon as my boss (President of the company) started his story I lost in. I am talking 30 seconds in to the story full on tears. He and his wife struggled with infertility for 9 years before they got pregnant with their son via IVF. And, this year they were blessed with a surprise pregnancy and another son, born in October. Through the last few years he has been someone I could talk to about our own infertility struggles. My first day back at work after losing the girls, he took me in his office and just cried and prayed with me. I work for a very special company where we are all like family. But, being that I was already having a "blue day", his sharing of their story just sent me over the edge. I couldn't hold the tears