Yesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me.
Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own office.
Then today a company wide email went out from C telling us announcing an employee had a baby this morning, including a photo of the baby girl. And, one of my boss's wife had their baby about an hour ago. I am so happy for both of them, but it also makes me so sad.
This week I can't quit thinking about how my girls should be celebrating their first birthday, and I imagine what kind of theme I would have had. I wonder what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, & what their laughs would sound like. It is crazy to know that had everything gone right I would have two one year old daughters right now.
But, here I am trying so hard to let go of what "should be" so that we can move forward and try to figure out how we can get Savannah & Gentry a baby sibling.
I love you, S&G!