"I sure felt it when ya left
Memory button stuck on repeat
Mind skippin’ like a record machine
Over and over that goodbye scene
Keeps spinnin’ in my head"
- Eric Church
These lyrics pretty much sum up how it has been lately for me. The closer it gets to the one year mark of losing Gentry & Savannah, the more I think about that day. My mind replays every moment of that day over and over, and the days in the week following. I can remember what was said, what I thought, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. It just won't stop. I don't know if it ever will. Some days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, some days my test gets so tight I can't breathe, some days I just sob, some days I am too numb to react.
Christmas Day was the 10 month anniversary of the girls being born. All I could think about was how we should have our two daughters here with us. Last Christmas we thought we would. I remember that year when I left work before Christmas I told them, "I'm out; going to spend some time with Marty since it's our last Christmas just the two of us. Next year we will be a family of four." Those words haunt me.I can replay that in my head over and over too.
My great memory has always been seen as an asset, especially at work. Now I consider it a flaw.
I MISS MY BABIES!!