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Heartbreak on Repeat

Nine days after my last post, so much changed. We got a call from our attorney that we were matched. Finally!! After 14 months of waiting, this was it. We would become Mom & Dad to a baby BOY! He was due in just 11 days. We quickly sprang in to action purchasing everything we would need to bring him home. We, and our families, were thrilled. Our prayers were being answered. 

After days of prepping, we made travel arrangements. We found a hotel and planned to drive down the day before he was due. Then we got a call that baby was coming early (5 days early). We amped up our preparedness at work to be gone and adjusting travel. This was it!

We were still home when he was actually born. When the attorney called, she told us he had arrived but appeared to have medical issues with his kidneys and his size. He was looking at spending at least a month in NICU. But, this didn't matter to us. She told us to be on standby for more info on his health, but we were itching to leave. Unfortunately, his health wasn't the only concern. The birth mom was beginning to waiver in her decision. She was feeling guilty about his health, potentially brought on my her drug use. 

Hours that felt like days passed before we heard anything else. She couldn't go through with it. We were crushed, sad, and mad. Within a week's time, we had gone from our highest high of recent to super low. 

But, we trucked on, knowing that after the loss of Gentry and Savannah, and most recently my mom, that we would get through this too. We decided that we needed a mental break though, so we booked a vacation for our anniversary. 

We booked a condo on the beach, just what we needed. A week to relax by the ocean. We didn't even care that it was cool out, that just meant almost no one was around. We had a peaceful beach that we didn't have to share with anyone. We had a great time visiting restaurants we had gone to on our honeymoon and not having any cares. Unfortunately, that only lasted for two days. On our third morning there, our vet called telling us that our dog wasn't eating and she was concerned. She advised us to come home, so we did. 

Nine hours later, we picked up Bailey. I immediately knew it wasn't good. In the eleven years I had him, he had never looked like this. No looking up at me, no tail wagging, just a blank look in the distance. However, the vet said it was just a UTI and his diabetes. So we thought if we could get him to eat and get his insulin, he would be back to normal. It didn't go that way though. Two nights later, on our wedding anniversary, he passed away. Our sweet boy, our baby of eleven years was gone. 

Two heartbreaks within 3 weeks of each other. Devastated. But again, we trucked on. 

One month later, our attorney called again. Another match. Another baby boy. Born the day before. 

Away we went making very quick travel plans and squaring away things at work. The next we woke up at 4am and hit the road to go get OUR SON. On the way down, the attorney let us know the birth mom would be signing papers at 1pm the next day. She just wanted to see us with the baby first. The 13 hour drive felt like an eternity. We finally made it and made plans to meet birth mom and baby the next day. 

That's exactly what we did. We met the beautiful baby boy we intended to bring home. While tiny, just five pounds, he was perfect! However, his mom wanted to take another day before signing because he had come several weeks early, she wasn't ready. We respected her decision. 

Assuring us she would still sign, we sat with his mom and her friend for about two hours getting to know one another. We hit it off so well. She wanted to go home to rest, so she signed papers to allow us to sit with the baby in NICU without her. So we spent the rest of the day with him. It was surreal. 

The next day we checked in with our attorney and social worker, neither had heard from the birth mom to reschedule the consent signing. We didn't get too concerned because she reassured us the day before she would still be placing him with us. They finally got in touch with her, but she still wasn't ready. 

This pattern went on for 7 days. Seven days we spent in a hotel, wondering if we would be coming home with our son or an empty car seat. Seven days alone in a city we didn't know. Seven days on edge everytime the phone made a noise. Seven days of constant prayer. On the 7th day we met our attorney and social worker for lunch. They told us at this point we should just go home. Empty handed. 

Our third heartbreak in two months. But, we trucked on. 

Two weeks later was the anniversary of losing Gentry and Savannah. Our baby girls. Now gone for four years. How has it been that long? Four years of aching hearts. Four years of waiting for our rainbow. How long must we weather this storm?

The same day of S&G's angelversary, Marty was laid off. One more setback. One more obstacle to overcome. 

And here we are, just trucking on. 


  1. Oh my gosh Ashley. That's so much. Ugh, I'm just sitting here with tears in my eyes. That's way too much for one couple to deal with. Hoping and praying things start looking up, because you guys are due for it.

  2. Oh my gosh you guys. I am so sad for you both. I keep checking in hoping to hear some good news. You are all in my thoughts. Things have just got to get better for you guys soon.


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