Down That Forever Road

After our visit to the cemetery this weekend, I received a call that the girls' headstone was in and installed. Today I went on my lunch break to see it and make sure they had arranged the flowers correctly. I am so glad the headstone is finally in - just in time for Christmas. I was fine driving there, but as soon as I saw the headstone I started crying. To borrow a lyric from Miranda Lambert, "it really sinks in, you know, when I see it in stone." It just hit me that this was really my daughters' resting place - not that I haven't been aware of that, but something about seeing it spelled out just hit harder. It was the first time I visited them by myself. I just kept telling them I love them and that I am sorry. I still have guilt that as their mommy I wasn't able to do anything to protect them or keep them alive. I love those babies so much. I can't believe it has almost been a year. But, the headstone looks beautiful, and I am glad they finally ...

Marty and I went by the cemetery this weekend to put out Gentry & Savannah's Christmas flowers. I always make their arrangements, and it is something I enjoy. Yes, it is sad, but it is the only thing I can really give or do for my girls here on Earth. I take my time in picking out the just right flowers and decorations, nothing too grown up, and always season appropriate :) My parents went with us this time; my sister (their stillborn baby) is buried 4 plots down from our girls. They never finalized the headstone for my sister 30 years ago, but my dad did so a few months ago when I paid off S & G's headstone. My mom had no idea, so when she saw the marker she just started crying. It was a sad, but sweet moment. My mom and I just held each other crying for our daughters. Since our girls aren't here to celebrate Christmas with us, Marty and I decided to adopt two babies from the Salvation Army Angel Tree in memory of them. We chose two 8 month olds, 1 boy &...

I have been a little MIA on here lately, but I am back in action. A few things have happened since my last post. 1) I had a breakdown at the work Thanksgiving party. Everyone in the office had to go around and say what they are thankful for this year. As soon as my boss (President of the company) started his story I lost in. I am talking 30 seconds in to the story full on tears. He and his wife struggled with infertility for 9 years before they got pregnant with their son via IVF. And, this year they were blessed with a surprise pregnancy and another son, born in October. Through the last few years he has been someone I could talk to about our own infertility struggles. My first day back at work after losing the girls, he took me in his office and just cried and prayed with me. I work for a very special company where we are all like family. But, being that I was already having a "blue day", his sharing of their story just sent me over the edge. I couldn't hold the tears...

It was a year ago on Friday that we had our first beta (227) and found out we were expecting. It was a year ago today that we had our second beta (574, I think) confirming we were in fact pregnant. It's wild what a difference a year can make. You can go from experiencing such joy to so much pain. I wish I could still be the person I was a year ago. While I was scared of early miscarriage, I thought for sure once I made it through the first trimester I was guaranteed to bring home my babies. I was so naive. I will never have that again with a pregnancy. I won't be one of those who immediately runs out and shares their news (I wasn't last time either, but may wait even longer next time). When I see people announce their pregnancy at 6 weeks, I want to tell them you maybe should wait just to make sure everything is ok. Of course I don't, and things usually do ok for them. But, I envy their naivety. A year ago life was everything I dreamed it would be, never thinking I wo...

Things have been CRAZY busy lately, I have been such a terrible blogger. We are in our busiest time of the year at work, with one person out on maternity leave and one more preparing to be on leave in a few weeks. In other words, I have been SLAMMED during the day trying to make sure we get everything done. Also work related, our company has a new partner, so a lot of rapid growth is anticipated.  I mention the new partner and growth because it has thrown another wrench in to my baby decisions. Previously it had been decided that if  I were to do IVF and get pregnant again I would be allowed to work from home for the 28 weeks of bed rest. I had a feeling that with all of the company growth now anticipated that would change, and it has. They will still allow me to work from home, but with a slight job change, reduction in hours, and reduction in pay . . . like half the hours & pay. Marty and I had pretty much decided that we would try IVF one more time before seriously...

Day 15: Wave of Light Tonight I light this candle in memory of Gentry and Savannah, as well as the other families who have experienced the heart breaking loss of a baby.

Day 13: Signs These cute ducks came up to us on our first visit to the cemetery. Now we see them often on our visits. They get close enough we could touch them, although I'm not brave enough to try. I like to think these are our girls just sitting with us on our visits. And, of course, the S & G on the sidewalk in San Francisco. Day 14: Community I have found the best support from the blogging community. I appreciate all of you for making me feel almost normal & letting me know I'm not alone.