Sunday, March 25, 2012

A Month Already

It is hard to believe that it has already been a month since we said hello and goodbye to Gentry and a few hours shy of a month since doing the same with Savannah. I miss our sweet girls so much. I look at their photos at least once a day. They were such beautiful girls, so I know they are beautiful angels.
We went to visit their gravesite today, as we have each Sunday since. We took out an Easter bunny and two butterflies to place around their temporary marker. Today we just sat in the grass next to their resting place and cried. I thought of all the things I would have been doing had this not happened - decorating their nursery, buying lots of pink outfits, taking maternity pictures. All of the fun parts of pregnancy and planning for a baby. I am so very thankful for the 5 months I had them, but I wish I had more time. My prayer is that they know how much I loved and will always love them.
Last week was my first week back at work. I cried at least once each day. It was so hard to go back because one of my best friends who is a co-worker had called a few days before to tell me she is 3 months pregnant with her 3rd child. I can't begin to describe the range of emotions I felt when I heard the news - anger, sadness, jealousy - all rolled in to one. It was and still is a hard pill to swallow. What I want more than anything she already has two times over and will soon have three times. It is going to be so painful to see her pregnant and experiencing all I was looking forward to. I hate how it makes me feel because she is such a good friend. I know, or pray, in time it will be easier, but right now the pain of losing the girls is still fresh.
I have reached out to a local support group for moms who have lost babies. I am surrounded my wonderful people, but none of them truly understand what this feels like. I think this group could be beneficial, especially in the coming months.

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