Down That Forever Road

I am having one of those days, you know the ones where you just want to lay in the floor and kick and scream like a toddler, and until you do everyone is on your nerves. Maybe you don't know, and it's just me that has days like that. Either way, today is one. I have no idea why I am in such a terrible mood, could partly be exhaustion from the weekend and partly from the dark cloud that seems to be looming around my head. Whatever it is, I can't shake it, and I don't like it.

I love you, Gentry & Savannah.  Baby girls' footprints and balloons released at their service.

Today is the two month mark since we lost Gentry, tomorrow two months since we lost Savannah. Time seriously goes by so much faster when you aren't pregnant. Today wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be, but it still wasn't a happy day. Work keeps my mind distracted most days, even though I cry there at least once a day. Good thing I work with people who will let me break down. I am soooooooo thankful for my best friend, one of the ones who is pregnant, she always seems to know when I am about to lose it or when I have been crying. Yesterday she just sat in my office with her arms around me and let me cry. She has been my biggest cheerleader (other than Marty) in the last year; tomorrow is the one year mark of my first appointment with our fertility doctor. I am thankful for everything she has done for me, and I hope she knows just how much I appreciate her. Today when I got to work she and my boss had left a present in my chair to bring a little sunshine to the day.

Marty and I had a busy weekend, which is pretty typical for us. He is really good at keeping my mind distracted. Saturday night we went to Southaven Springfest to see Easton Corbin's concert. Yesterday we spent most of the day at the Memphis Grizzlies MVP Party at Putt-Putt. It was pretty much chaos chasing players around for autographs. Good thing I wore my shoes that will stay on my feet when having to do the awkward run/walk. After the party we had a super late lunch/early dinner at Central BBQ - our favorite! Then we went to visit the girls. The grass is growing in nicely on their plot. It looks so much better than being dirt. We ordered the girls' headstone a few weeks ago, and I am ready to have it paid off so that they can install it. I mailed in a payment for it this morning. It's things like that that will remind you how real the loss is. Not to mention the cruel hospital bills I had to write checks for last week. No babies to show for their services, but still I m

I have so much on my mind this week . . . On Tuesday we met with our fertility doctor about using our frozen embryos. It looks like we will be doing the FET at the end of June/first of July. So we should know whether or not we are pregnant by the girls' due date. Depending on the results, it could make that day easier or harder. The only negative news we got at the appointment was that our embryos are frozen in pairs. Because he does not want me to become pregnant with twins again, he will only transfer one at a time. That means we will lose an embryo each time we want to try a frozen transfer. That was hard to hear because it halves our chances, but it is better than the alternative, which would be to transfer both but have to terminate one if twins resulted. I could NEVER do that, no way ever. Other than that, I left feeling pretty hopeful. Hopeful until fear and guilt took over. Because of the complications with my last pregnancy - the subchorionic and incompetent cervix - I

Places I have found myself crying - some major breakdowns, some silent tears: the hospital the cemetery the shower our bed my office at work Marty's car Target our office at home our sofa my car in the kitchen church El Mezcal bathroom stall at work the printer/copier at work my boss's office the warehouse at work Lauren's office at work my dad's van our laundry room Kroger our backyard our garage Sonic Memphis Grizzlies game our closet conference room at one of our stores Jackson Generals baseball game

This week has been the first time I have had to deal with people asking me if I have any children. The first was a new employee at our office. Because we work in a fairly small office, and everyone else knows the story, I shared with her (the short version). Right away she said she was sorry, but I'm not sure if she was just sorry for our loss or also because she felt bad for asking. I never want anyone to feel bad for asking after they hear our story. I love talking about my girls. They are my daughters, and I never want to forget that. The second time happened at Target last night. She and Marty were talking about how they offer gift cards on select purchases, usually when you buy two or three of that item. Marty was telling her how usually don't need two or three of anything. I piped up telling her the only items we buy two or three of are dog treats. So she said, "You don't have any children yet?" Obviously I am not going to share our story with a random Targ

I love music, like really love it. Sometimes I just like the sound of a song, but more often it is because the lyrics move me or the song is associated with a memory. I have found in my life music can usually express my feelings better than I ever could. Lately I have been playing Green River Ordinance's "Dancing Shoes" over and over. I first heard the song sometime in the fall/winter of last year, when I was pregnant. Right away liked it because the lyrics made me happy and reminded me of my hubby. But now I like it because it represents a memory. It is the first song I remember hearing on the way home from the hospital after the girls were born. The radio had been on the entire ride home, but I was lost in my thoughts not hearing a single thing. My brain was still trying to process what had happened, which it is still trying to do six weeks later. I remember the sun was shining and the windows were rolled down, but I remember nothing else from that ride other than hear