I love music, like really love it. Sometimes I just like the sound of a song, but more often it is because the lyrics move me or the song is associated with a memory. I have found in my life music can usually express my feelings better than I ever could.
Lately I have been playing Green River Ordinance's "Dancing Shoes" over and over. I first heard the song sometime in the fall/winter of last year, when I was pregnant. Right away liked it because the lyrics made me happy and reminded me of my hubby. But now I like it because it represents a memory. It is the first song I remember hearing on the way home from the hospital after the girls were born. The radio had been on the entire ride home, but I was lost in my thoughts not hearing a single thing. My brain was still trying to process what had happened, which it is still trying to do six weeks later. I remember the sun was shining and the windows were rolled down, but I remember nothing else from that ride other than hearing "Dancing Shoes" as we were almost home.
I remember beginning to cry when I heard it, in part because I knew how the lyrics made me happy every time I heard it. And here I was just having given birth to my angels, not knowing if I would ever know what happiness felt like again. Another part of me was crying for the love I have for my husband. I have an amazing, supportive husband that I am insanely in love with. Every time I think of the love we share I could cry. Looking at him that day I knew I would eventually be okay because he is my rock.
There is a line in the songs that says "in a world that gets lost in making plans just be my woman and I will be your man". If you know me, you know I am a girl that always has to have a plan. Marty, on the other hand, lives by the belief of a day at a time. I can't tell you how many times he has told me this, and it usually drives me crazy (that's what spouses are for right?). However, since the girls, I have been so thankful for his approach to living life. While I know I will never get over the loss of Gentry and Savannah, I do know that healing is something I will have to do a day at a time.
Sometimes "Dancing Shoes" does give me a bit of happiness, still making me think of my hubby. Other times I break down in tears, thinking of the day we left the hospital. Either way, I love it because it evokes emotions for me.