Friday, April 20, 2012

Why?

I have so much on my mind this week . . .
On Tuesday we met with our fertility doctor about using our frozen embryos. It looks like we will be doing the FET at the end of June/first of July. So we should know whether or not we are pregnant by the girls' due date. Depending on the results, it could make that day easier or harder. The only negative news we got at the appointment was that our embryos are frozen in pairs. Because he does not want me to become pregnant with twins again, he will only transfer one at a time. That means we will lose an embryo each time we want to try a frozen transfer. That was hard to hear because it halves our chances, but it is better than the alternative, which would be to transfer both but have to terminate one if twins resulted. I could NEVER do that, no way ever.
Other than that, I left feeling pretty hopeful.
Hopeful until fear and guilt took over. Because of the complications with my last pregnancy - the subchorionic and incompetent cervix - I have a fear of something going wrong with the next one. I am trying, really trying, to give it all to God. I know He is in control and if something does happen it's part of the plan. I have been praying for the strength to let it all go. I also feel guilty for being hopeful about being pregnant again, as if I am somehow betraying my girls. I never want to feel as though I am replacing them.. Realistically I know there is nothing wrong with moving forward, the girls will always be my girls, but it is a struggle I have in my mind daily.
As if I wasn't dealing with enough pain, yesterday my best friend (also another co-worker) told me she is 6 weeks pregnant with her second child. It broke her heart to tell me, but not as much as it broke mine to hear it. Yes, this is the second co-worker/friend to tell me she is pregnant since I lost the girls. I am sick to my stomach thinking about it. I really hate to be someone who says it isn't fair, but it isn't. Why did Marty and I have to go through so much to get pregnant with Gentry and Savannah? Only to have them taken away 5 months later? Why us to have to see our daughters in a casket? Why don't we get to see their first smiles, laughs, Christmas, birthday . . . .? Why is it so unfair?

Pretty much how it feels sometimes.

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