Thursday, August 16, 2012

Consumed

In the last few days I have come to realize I am really enjoying the time off from IVF. For the last year it, along with pregnancy, have been my dominating thoughts. At this point last year I was still wavering on going forward with the IVF, that decision was consuming. Then once we were booked, it was a series of doctor's appointments for tests and consultations. I had a mental countdown going of how many days I had left to start injections, when we might know if it worked, when I would possibly be due. Seriously, it consumed by life.
Then, once I was pregnant, that consumed me as well. I am a planner by nature, and let me tell you, trying to plan for two babies rocked my world. Not in a bad way. But just a where will all of their things go in our small house, what kind of schedule will we do - feedings, diapers, sleeping. I was planning a nursery, picking out clothes, planning cute photos. Planning to be a mommy consumed me. 
Once we left the hospital with no babies, grief consumed me. I didn't know how to function, going from a mommy to be to a mommy with empty arms. I am still figuring this one out. But, I no longer obsess on trying to find as much support as possible from people who have been there done that. Or, trying to find people with similar stories. Maybe because I have found enough support from those I have reached out to.
We waited about six weeks after the girls to go back to our fertility doctor. Once again, IVF consumed me as before. And now, knowing if I did get pregnant, that I would be on bed rest from 12 weeks on consumed me too. Marty would bring up concerts coming to town, or football and basketball seasons starting. My response was always, "Well, if this works we can't go because I will be on bed rest then." Planning life around being in bed for 28 weeks can be difficult. 
And now, here we are. Not putting a date on another IVF attempt. We are just going with the flow of life. And it is NICE. I, of course, want nothing more than to have another baby, and I still grieve my babies.But, I am living and at my own pace. I am enjoying the quiet time I have to myself in the evenings before Marty gets home. I am planning vacations. Looking at new houses. I am not letting IVF and the desire for motherhood consume me.

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