Skip to main content

Consumed

In the last few days I have come to realize I am really enjoying the time off from IVF. For the last year it, along with pregnancy, have been my dominating thoughts. At this point last year I was still wavering on going forward with the IVF, that decision was consuming. Then once we were booked, it was a series of doctor's appointments for tests and consultations. I had a mental countdown going of how many days I had left to start injections, when we might know if it worked, when I would possibly be due. Seriously, it consumed by life.
Then, once I was pregnant, that consumed me as well. I am a planner by nature, and let me tell you, trying to plan for two babies rocked my world. Not in a bad way. But just a where will all of their things go in our small house, what kind of schedule will we do - feedings, diapers, sleeping. I was planning a nursery, picking out clothes, planning cute photos. Planning to be a mommy consumed me. 
Once we left the hospital with no babies, grief consumed me. I didn't know how to function, going from a mommy to be to a mommy with empty arms. I am still figuring this one out. But, I no longer obsess on trying to find as much support as possible from people who have been there done that. Or, trying to find people with similar stories. Maybe because I have found enough support from those I have reached out to.
We waited about six weeks after the girls to go back to our fertility doctor. Once again, IVF consumed me as before. And now, knowing if I did get pregnant, that I would be on bed rest from 12 weeks on consumed me too. Marty would bring up concerts coming to town, or football and basketball seasons starting. My response was always, "Well, if this works we can't go because I will be on bed rest then." Planning life around being in bed for 28 weeks can be difficult. 
And now, here we are. Not putting a date on another IVF attempt. We are just going with the flow of life. And it is NICE. I, of course, want nothing more than to have another baby, and I still grieve my babies.But, I am living and at my own pace. I am enjoying the quiet time I have to myself in the evenings before Marty gets home. I am planning vacations. Looking at new houses. I am not letting IVF and the desire for motherhood consume me.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A Match!

On Saturday, August 27, I was 8 hours from home in an Old Navy in Indianapolis buying jeans and a shirt to wear to the Colts' game that night. I was there for work to record a TV spot the next day with a Colts' player  . . . I stay on the back side of the camera, ha. I had driven the last half of our trip that day, so I hadn't checked my phone in about 4 hours. I decided I should check my email while there in line. Since it was a Saturday I wasn't expecting much, but I had an email from our agency about an opportunity to be shown. This wasn't this first time to see one of these emails; some we said yes to but the birth family chose someone else, others we said no to because we weren't 100% certain with the situation presented. So I glanced through the email, forwarded to M, and sent him a text to check his email. Nothing out of the norm. Since it was time to pay, I decided I would look at it in a bit once my coworker and I got to dinner and a little more settle…

Baby Sully

Fifteen days after my last blog post, you know the one 10 months ago, we were supposed to have a call with our adoption agency to hit pause and take a break. After 3 failed matches we needed time to heal before jumping back in.

That day, November 14,  I was at work when our social worker's number popped up on my phone. I was in the middle of a work project so thought I would just call her back later. I was putting off having the call to go inactive as long as possible. Because as much as we needed to heal, my heart also broke at the thought of missing out on the baby that was meant to be ours. Less than 10 minutes later the agency number popped up, so I decided to answer and let them know we could chat later in the day.

I was not expecting the words on the other end of the phone. "Ashley, we have a healthy baby boy who was born two days ago. He is ready to be discharged from the hospital, and his birth mom has chosen you to be his parents. If you want to proceed you need to g…

Gone

Well guys, 8 weeks we were matched this time. But now we are back to being a waiting family. I honestly don't know where to start with this one. The last few days have been a whirlwind.

On Tuesday (5 days ago) the birth mom texted that she was having contractions and going to the hospital. Being 28 weeks pregnant, I assumed it was Braxton Hicks. Not long after that text, less than hour, our agency called. I assumed they were just telling me the same news. Instead they were telling me they were going to send over the records from the birth mom's last two appointments, but also that there was a note on the records about there being a pregnancy complication related to the baby being at high risk for a lifelong disability/disabilities. The agency said to hold tight until she could get back to the doctor and go under more testing.

Less than hour after that called, the birth mom's mom called me and said they couldn't stop contractions and she was dilated 7cm. Baby was coming…