For some reason, I have been a mess the last few days. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown at any moment on any given day. On Sunday we went to the cemetery to visit the girls, and I lost it there. Marty was referring to our girls as "our pumpkins". I have always called them that to myself because their transfer took place on Halloween last year. But there was something about him calling them pumpkins that had me in full on sobbing. Not unusual, at least it was an appropriate location for a breakdown. Yesterday our company CFO sent me an email, nothing bad, but just the tone sent me over the edge. Not normal. Last week we were talking about all of the things that need to be done while one of my friends/co-worker is out on maternity leave (could be any day now), and I just started laughing and it turned in to crying. Also not normal. I'm not sure if it's stress, impending births of friends' babies, hormones, grief, or a mix of all, but I feel like a CRAZY person! I don't like it. I was really feeling good after we came back from San Francisco, but now I feel like I am slowly making my way back to that depressed, dark place.
Fifteen days after my last blog post, you know the one 10 months ago, we were supposed to have a call with our adoption agency to hit pause and take a break. After 3 failed matches we needed time to heal before jumping back in.
That day, November 14, I was at work when our social worker's number popped up on my phone. I was in the middle of a work project so thought I would just call her back later. I was putting off having the call to go inactive as long as possible. Because as much as we needed to heal, my heart also broke at the thought of missing out on the baby that was meant to be ours. Less than 10 minutes later the agency number popped up, so I decided to answer and let them know we could chat later in the day.
I was not expecting the words on the other end of the phone. "Ashley, we have a healthy baby boy who was born two days ago. He is ready to be discharged from the hospital, and his birth mom has chosen you to be his parents. If you want to proceed you need to g…
That day, November 14, I was at work when our social worker's number popped up on my phone. I was in the middle of a work project so thought I would just call her back later. I was putting off having the call to go inactive as long as possible. Because as much as we needed to heal, my heart also broke at the thought of missing out on the baby that was meant to be ours. Less than 10 minutes later the agency number popped up, so I decided to answer and let them know we could chat later in the day.
I was not expecting the words on the other end of the phone. "Ashley, we have a healthy baby boy who was born two days ago. He is ready to be discharged from the hospital, and his birth mom has chosen you to be his parents. If you want to proceed you need to g…
you're not crazy. you are grieving. and i am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with one faux mommy... you are not crazy! I am almost 2 years out from the loss of my daughter and I was still up half the night last night in tears. It's just how strong a mother's love is. It's both our burden and our privileged to bare!
ReplyDeletexoxox