Down That Forever Road

Turns out the home pregnancy test was right, I'm not pregnant. Our IVF cycle failed. I can't even describe everything I am feeling right now. I am heartbroken, confused, angry, sad . . . I'm not sure why God keeps denying me the opportunity to have a child to hold & love. I hate my body for failing Gentry & Savannah and not being able to get pregnant naturally. I can't quit crying. It's not fair. I am surrounded by pregnant people expecting their second & third children. I just want ONE, why does it have to be so hard?! I will never have these answers, but I can't quit asking the questions.

Last night I caved and took a home pregnancy test (7 days past 5 day transfer). I know it is still early, but I did it any way. It was negative, as I suspected it would be. But, I wasn't prepared for how bummed I would be seeing that "not pregnant". The emotional side of me took over any rational thoughts, and I cried for hours. It was the first time I had really let my mind wander to that place of what if this cycle fails. I had told myself I would be ok, but seeing that negative made me realize it's not ok. All I want more than anything in this world is to have a living child. Why does it have to be so hard for me to get that? I have a wonderful marriage, job, and relationship with God and I can't have a baby, yet teenagers & drug addicts can - why? While I sound desperate, I haven't completely lost hope. The rational side of me is returning, knowing it's possibly too early to test. I have my beta blood test tomorrow, so the waiting will be over the

I have added this to the right of my posts, after realizing there was no concise place that told our journey of trying to become parents. This blog originally started out to chronicle our married life and life with babies, never intending it to be such a journey. But, here is what we have been through in the last 2+ years: 01/2009: We got married 03/2010: We decided to try to get pregnant 07/2010: I was diagnosed with PCOS, prescribed Metformin to help us TTC 01/2011: First failed Clomid cycle 02/2011: Second failed Clomid cycle 03/2011: Third failed Clomid cycle 04/2011: First appointment with RE 05/2011: Told that due to male factor infertility (in addition to my PCOS) IVF with ICSI was our only chance at getting pregnant 10/2011: First IVF cycle 11/2011: IVF cycle was a success, found out we were pregnant (with twins!) 02/2012: Lost both baby girls due to incompetent cervix 06/2012: First frozen embryo IVF cycle 

Today is 4 months since the girls were born. I think today has been the easiest of their monthly birthdays for me because I am feeling hopeful for the first time. Even if I'm not pregnant after this transfer, I just feel hopeful for mine and Marty's future. And, I know that no matter our journey, we will never forget our first baby girls. Gentry & Savannah, we love you so much!! The waiting period after an embryo transfer is enough to drive you crazy though, no matter how much hope you have. I'm sure it doesn't help that for the past 5 days I was at home not doing anything. When I have baby on the brain, that's all I want to think about. But, not matter the outcome I know we will be ok. Both of us have the same thought that a negative pregnancy test is definitely not worse than what we have already been through. Of course both of us want me to be pregnant, but I think we have a very calm, realistic view this time around. I am debating taking a home pregnancy te

Yesterday we had our transfer. So now I am on bed rest until Saturday. Here's to hoping this embryo decides to hang around! Both embryos survived the thawing process, so they are able to refreeze the one we didn't transfer. Yay! The one we did transfer is a grade A, which is great! The last cycle my parents brought me Steak & Shake for lunch while I was on bed rest. Being superstitious, that's what I ate yesterday, down to the same banana milkshake! Today I am eating another meal I had last time too - a grilled chicken baked potato from McAlister's deli. Call me crazy, but I know it worked last time so why not try it again. On the note of crazy: I have had a cough for about a week. now, so every time I cough I cross my legs like I'm trying to hold the embryo in, ha! It was weird being back there yesterday. I had to tell quite a few people about the girls. Most assumed that since I was back so soon after last transfer that it didn't work. They were all gr

Tomorrow is our transfer day! We are set for 10am, so if anyone reads this before then, please say a prayer. I got good news from the embryologist today. We were originally told that because our embryos are frozen in pairs, but only transferring one, that we would lose one each time. But today we were told that as long as the second embryo is still of good quality after the thawing, it can be refrozen. That makes me excited. Not that I want six children, but to know we could still have that many chances is fantastic. Prayers that tomorrow goes smoothly and that Gentry & Savannah want us to have them a little brother or sister. :)

If you have been keeping up with my posts, you have probably come to sense my nervousness about doing IVF  a second time and so soon after the girls. I have been praying to God just asking to guide me and confirm that my decision is the right one. I feel like I really got that today in the way that I need it - something right in front of my face saying "Yes, Ashley this is the right thing." I'm not one to pick up on subtle hints. And, yes, I realize I may sound crazy to some of you when you hear this. First let me start by saying that we already have a VERY short list of baby names with our top two narrowed down (at the moment). Georgia for a girl; Benton for a boy. (Now no one steal those, ok?! Thanks!) Anyway, this morning I was on a website that calculates your due date for FET babies based on age of embryo (day 5 blastocyst in my case). While I was on there, I looked at the ad on the page. It was for Pottery Barn Kids. Upon a closer look, what name was monogrammed o

Our frozen embryo transfer will next place a week from today on June 20!!! I can't believe it is so close. I am so excited.  I get to drop down from 8 vivelle patches to 4 starting tomorrow. I start my PIO (progesterone in oil) injections on Friday. Two days to get ready for those. Bruised butt cheeks here I come! I will be able to stop my Lupron shots in my stomach on Tuesday. I don't think an unorganized person could ever make it through an IVF cycle, so many dates, dosages, and instructions to keep up with. Crazy to think that in the time of a normal pregnancy I will have given birth and could possibly be pregnant again.

I experienced the very definition of irony this weekend. Marty and I had returned home from seeing Mamma Mia at the Orpheum and went to the mailbox. Two things had come that day - samples of baby formula and a survey from the cemetery where the girls are buried. How is that for ironic? Both cruel reminders I don't have my baby girls here. But what a testament to how far I have come in 15 weeks, there was no breakdown. It was just a moment of sadness and then I moved on.  I have become so much stronger than I have ever imagined in the last 3.5 months.I feel like I really am ready to move forward at this point. Not to say I still don't cry often because I do, but I think I have finally REALLY accepted that I will never have my girls here on Earth (physically). I have to be at peace with that and know that one day I will be reunited with them. It could really be summed up with these lyrics "L et it be said of me m y source of strength, my source of hope is Christ alone.&quo

Let me just tell you, my stomach is looking hilarious right now! I have the leftover sticky stuff from my patches I have taken off (that stuff is just about impossible to get off). I have two patches on (will be 6 come Thursday). I wear band-aids over the patches because they peel if I don't. My shots leave red spots. And now thanks to my sweet baby girls, I have stretch marks. :) What a thing to see! Yet, it feels normal. I have worn patches and done shots for 5 of the last 9 months. Going through IVF sure changes what you thought was normal, not to mention your body.

I have been away for awhile, Marty and I went on a much needed vacation to the beach. It was amazing having 5 days to just be together relaxing and having fun. We spent most of our time on the beach, but also took some time for a dolphin cruise, mini golf, and my cousin's wedding. Being away was just what my soul needed. I really could have used a few more days! The day after we got back I began my Lupron injections. I had a total meltdown at work that day; it was just so intense starting the process over. I feel like I am really moving forward now. So many emotions running through me - sad, scared, anxious, excited. I saw my favorite ultrasound tech in the hallway at the fertility doctor's office on Wednesday. It made me think back to the day we found out we were expecting twins. It took everything I had to not breakdown in tears. I'm sure it wouldn't be the first time that's happened there, but I didn't want to be that girl. Yesterday I went to my regular