Thursday, June 28, 2012

What If?

Last night I caved and took a home pregnancy test (7 days past 5 day transfer). I know it is still early, but I did it any way. It was negative, as I suspected it would be. But, I wasn't prepared for how bummed I would be seeing that "not pregnant". The emotional side of me took over any rational thoughts, and I cried for hours. It was the first time I had really let my mind wander to that place of what if this cycle fails. I had told myself I would be ok, but seeing that negative made me realize it's not ok. All I want more than anything in this world is to have a living child. Why does it have to be so hard for me to get that? I have a wonderful marriage, job, and relationship with God and I can't have a baby, yet teenagers & drug addicts can - why?
While I sound desperate, I haven't completely lost hope. The rational side of me is returning, knowing it's possibly too early to test. I have my beta blood test tomorrow, so the waiting will be over then. 

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