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Memories

It's weird how out of the blue memories of the days the girls were born will replay in my mind. They just creep up from nowhere and can cause a total emotional meltdown.

These are the most common ones for me:

Being in the emergency room with the nurse trying to find two heartbeats and nervously laughing while saying "When there's two it's kind of hard to tell who is who and find both heartbeats." I kind of believed her.

The ultrasound tech questioning me over and over if I was sure I was having twins because she only saw one baby. It felt like an eternity until she found Gentry already in my cervix with no heartbeat. At least she was honest and didn't make me wait to see a doctor.

The sight of my girls being whisked away covered in hospital sheets. I remember thinking "you are suffocating them", only to remember that wasn't true because they were no longer breathing anyway.

The feeling of Savannah moving in my belly after Gentry was born and being so concerned for her, that I wasn't able to process what had already happened to Gentry.I prayed all night for her.

The feeling of Savannah laying on the bed kicking against my legs because she came out on her own, and no nurse would touch her until a doctor was in the room. It is hell to know that your daughter is there dying right in front of you.

The poor nurse who had to wheel me out to the car once I was discharged. You could tell she was not 100% comfortable with this, and so we made awkward conversation waiting for Marty to pull up to the loading area. The loading area in the back, where no one would stare at me leaving without my babies.

The desperate feeling of not wanting to leave the hospital because I knew my babies were there, and I wanted to be in the same place as them.

Marty and I laying in the hospital bed together, crying until it felt we no longer had tears to cry. I remember saying "I want my babies" several times in the 3 days we were there.

Me telling Marty to tell our parents to go home once I knew what was going to happen, still in shock. I don't think it sank in until the nurse interrupted me and said, "You will probably want them here for when you deliver." They stayed.

The doctor performing an ultrasound after Gentry was born, checking on Savannah. This is when we found out Savannah was a girl. And she looked so perfect on the monitor.

The sweet nurse who checked me in off of the ambulance. She worked the floor we were on the first two days. She was so good to Marty. Helping him find breakfast before the cafeteria was open. She hugged us both when they moved us to the "recovery" floor.

Comments

  1. This post just broke my heart. I have so many of the same memories but for just my one baby. I can't imagine the pain you must feel but times 2. I'm so sorry for your losses. xoxox

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