Down That Forever Road

I can't believe it is November, and it has been months since I last blogged! I am loving the trees changing colors and all things pumpkin flavored, now if the weather could just stay cool I would be happy. I made it through Halloween, yay! A friend blogged yesterday about how Halloween is a hard holiday for a bereaved parent - and it is. My facebook and instagram feeds were full of cute babies in their costumes. Each post was a reminder of who should be here and what we are missing. On top of the cuteness overload, Halloween was the date of our embryo transfer with Gentry and Savannah. Halloween is officially the day I got pregnant . . . sounds like it could be a wild, drunken story, ha! Our girls will also be my pumpkins because of this. On top of already being down, everyone in my department left early so they could go get their kids ready to trick or treat. I was the only one left in my department, and it was such a lonely feeling. I am looking forward to the year we can have

The past few months have been crazy I tell you! Trying to decide next steps to baby, then Marty losing his jobe, and my parents putting their house on the market to find something large enough for us all. As one of my friends recently told me, "Every time I talk to you these days there is a life changing update." That's how I feel, my life has changed so much since our appointment in Atlanta and continues to be ever changing. So here are the updates: 1) Next Baby Steps I don't think I ever posted this here. But after the appointment in Atlanta, several talks (with A LOT of people), and lots of prayer. Marty and I decided to pursue adoption to have more babies. We had even been talking to an agency and home study agent. No paperwork was filled out because we wanted to save money and pay off some debt before going any further. So, we were quite excited and doing well with that decision . . . .until he lost his job. As you probably know, they don't just let anyo

Lately I have been feeling as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders. For starters, now that Marty doesn't have a job, we are solely relying on my income. He was making almost double what I make, so it is quite a big loss. It has been two weeks now with no leads. He has applied for a lot of jobs, but hasn't heard back on any of them. On top of that, my parents have been needing more and more at their house. Doing little things like heating their dinner, changing lightbulbs, doing laundry. Nothing too taxing, but after working a full time I help them then do all the same at our house. And because of all of this, we have to put any baby plans on hold. For the past 3.5 years I have been doing something to try to become a mom. Now it has all come to a halt. My parents are also looking to move soon, and they are looking at houses large enough we could move in with them. This would help a lot, as I am increasingly helping them out at their current home already. But this

Well, you know the rest . . . it pours. Just when we were figuring out our next steps to baby, Marty lost his job. This happened last week, so I haven't yet reached full panic state yet. I am trying to think this will be better in the long run, to give him the chance to get in a field where he will be happy. If you will, please pray for him (and us).

Yesterday is the day I was due with Gentry and Savannah last year, July 18. I don't think I will forever get that date. Yesterday wasn't too bad, but this week has been tough. I wasn't expecting it to be so hard. Of course it doesn't help that there a lot of triggers surrounding me. Earlier this week I was walking through the office where two co-workers and an employee from another site were talking. The other employee, C, is expecting twin girls. The babies' dad isn't really in the picture, and C herself jokes about having someone else takes the babies and she'll visit on weekends. I know that she is only joking, but hearing that is like a punch to the gut. So anyway, I was walking down the hall this week I heard her mentioning that she needs to work on the girls' nursery. I ducked my head & walked to my office where I lost it. I mean sitting there sobbing lost it. That hasn't happened at work in a LONG time. Thank goodness I have my own off

We are still in the decision making process about what to do next. I am about 70% sure I don't want to do another FET, but don't want to say I have counted it out completely. We have been researching adoption more and more. It is such a detailed process, I want to have most of my bases covered before we dive in to anything. It is an exciting, but intimidating process to think about! We also haven't take surrogacy off of the table yet either. For us to pursue that, we would really have to find the right person. I don't know that I would want to use an agency, due to the cost. Oddly enough, today at the printer I was talking to my boss's assistant (T) about trying to decide what to do. She has mentioned trying to be a surrogate before, but today she told me she asked her son what his opinion is on it. Apparently, she is really serious about this. But, she is close to mid-40s and newly single after a divorce. I don't know if it's the right time in her lif

We had our appointment with the new doctor in Atlanta on Friday. I really liked the doctor and his staff. They were so friendly and full of personality. I was so excited as we sat in the waiting room. But once we left, I was as confused as ever. In short, he told me there would be no reason to do a FET with him because his protocol varies only slightly from our current doctor. Exact same meds, only difference is the timing of them. He said all things considered with a single transfer we are looking at about a 33% chance of getting pregnant from a FET. He thinks he could be done using the 3 frozen embryos we have, but that I should be prepared for a difficult pregnancy given my history. I asked him about using a carrier, but he didn't seem to think that was a good idea based on cost, psychological effects, etc. Didn't offer an opinion on adoption. But, I feel like by telling me to prepare for a difficult pregnancy he was cautioning me against getting pregnant. So now, the

My niece who lives out of town has been visiting for the last few days. And boy does she keep you on your toes. A ball of energy for sure. But, I wouldn't change a thing about her! We spent Saturday at my parent's pool, and she came home with me after. To say I was exhausted was an understatement. When she came over the first thing she asked was why we have so much baby stuff in our house. I guess being so young she had forgotten about the girls in the last year. So, I told her that all of the baby things were for our twin girls that we had been expecting. She said "You were going to have twins?". I told her yes, and she quickly moved on to the TV and the Disney Channel. I left her on the couch while I hopped in the shower.She was asleep by the time I got out, so I laid in my bed and caught up on emails.She woke up and joined me on the bed. As we lay there curled up watching Disney, she started asking questions about the girls. She asked if they died in my stomach o

After the loss of our girls and riding the infertility roller coaster I have become a much, much more emotional person. I used to never cry, unless really mad or hurt. But now just about everything makes me cry. Before this, I could cope better with the things going on in my life, now I fall apart easily. Prime example being on Memorial Day weekend when we went to Missouri to visit my dad's side of the family. My Brother and Dad I don't know if I ever mentioned it before, but I have two half brothers who suffer from strokes. One of my brothers is losing his eyesight. The other is in a nursing home and has been for probably 10 years or so. He can't talk; he tries but it only comes out as noises. We have no idea what he is trying to say. This has always made me sad, but when we visited him a few weeks ago I just couldn't keep it together. Maybe it was because Marty was there, and normally it's just me and my parents. In those situations I feel like I need to be

It seems as though all of latest posts have been "negative Nancy", so I thought I would post about some of the fun stuff I have been up to, mostly pictures. Before we started the last FET, we took a vacation to Orlando and Key West. Key West is the most beautiful place I have even been, and I am ready to go back! In Orlando, we saw our U of M Tiger basketball team play UCF, saw our Memphis Grizzlies (NBA) play the Orlando magic, took in some Braves Spring Training, and went to the Plant City Strawberry Festival where we got to meet Dwight Yoakam. You can imagine after all of that I was ready for some relaxation in Key West. It was pretty chilly there this year, so we didn't get to swim or layout, but it was still beautiful. Key West Sunset from our Hotel Pier Braves Spring Training Me & Dwight Yoakam Key West Southernmost Point On a Boat in Key West View from our Hotel Balcony Marty & Dwight Yoakam Strawberry Shortcake at Str

My doctor finally called me on Friday afternoon. I think I would have rather him not call at that point. By the end of the call I was beyond frustrated. I am not even exaggerating when I say the call started off with 2 minutes of silence. Then he started the conversation by saying I know we have talked about transferring two before, but decided against it. Why don't you talk to your husband and see what he says. I told him that we were supposed to transfer two this time, but one didn't survive thawing. His response? "Oh, then I guess I decided not to thaw another." What do you mean you guess? You should have just said something like "oh yeah" then continued on. That was pretty much all he wanted to say, so I started asking questions like what would he suggest we do differently, change medication, change dosage, anything? His first response was "The only thing I would do would be to thaw them the morning of instead of the night before." I had to co

On Friday, after we got the results I was was CRUSHED. I swore up and down all weekend that I was DONE with IVF. I NEVER wanted to see another PIO needle or estrogen patch. I was ready to look at adoption or trying to find a gestational carrier. It was time to change directions on this path to parenthood. And, now here I am with an appointment in June with another RE. Technically still a change in direction, just not as drastic. After talking to two of my bosses who have gone through IVF with their wives several times, they gave me a little of my determination back. Both of them were patients here with my same doctor. Both had several failed cycles here, along with terrible "customer service" experiences. I have only had a few run ins on that side of things, one that is going on now. Both of these couples then went to RBA in Atlanta, and both had successes. Another co-worker also went there and had two successful cycles. So now, we will be headed to Atlanta for a consultati

I had my beta today, another big fat negative. "Charlie Brown" didn't stick around. I found this Charlie Brown quote today, and that pretty much summarizes how I am feeling today.

This waiting period is the calmest I have ever been in my life. So calm in fact, it is starting to weird out me and Marty. I am the girl who frets, worries, and stresses over EVERYTHING! The two prior transfers I was Google happy with anything I felt was out of the norm. This time, not as much. I have googled a few things, like progesterone levels. But, I found nothing really. Marty nicknamed our embryo Charlie Brown. I can't even remember how it came up, but it made me laugh so hard it has stuck. Every night he says good night to Charlie Brown and says he hopes Charlie is still there. He is a mess. I have had some cramping off and on since the transfer, and a little spotting the day after. However, I am not looking much in to this. It could be implantation. But, it could also be from the transfer procedure itself. This weekend I had some pretty intense dizzy spells with nausea. I am going to chalk that one up to the PIO. I really hate that all of the medication side effects re

Today was transfer day. We were supposed to transfer two embryos, but only survived the thawing. So, we ended up only transferring the one. The doctor felt this was best anyway because of my high probability of twins. It makes me think the one embryo has a pretty good shot if he said that. Oh, and it hatched this morning, which is the next step in implantation. Grade wise, it is a 6BB. According to my google research this is good for a frozen embryo. Unfortunately, my progesterone level was a bit low today. It was 21.4, and they like it to be 25 or more. So they increased my dosage of PIO a bit. I am trying to worry too much about that since it isn't extremely low. Again, google research says above 20 is usually good. Hopefully the increase in PIO will help us out. Funny moment from today - we were in the transfer room with me in position, and the doctor said "3rd time. Ashley, I think I could give you a do it yourself kit at this point." He has such a dry sense of hu

I had my last lab and ultrasound before the transfer today. They said everything looks PERFECT! My uterine lining was measuring 10.2 and had the triple stripe - which is what they look for. This has never been mentioned to me before, so I don't know if that happened our previous two cycles. But, if that is what they are looking for it sounds good. We are officially scheduled for our transfer to take place next Wednesday, April 24. Woohoo! I am so excited!!! Say lots of prayers for us; we are so close!

We made a lot of progress on future baby's room this weekend. We finally painted! We were able to pull out the girls' changing table and a small chest, and I LOVE the way it looks! We keep joking that now all we need is to be pregnant. I am sure our process sounds so out of order to everyone else, but it really helps me feel like we have a clean slate. And, just the fact that I was able to put the girls' changing table in their without a breakdown told me just how ready I am to try to have another baby. Anyway, here is how it turned out (there is another wall not pictured that the crib will go on):

The closer we are getting to our transfer date the more I daydream about future babies and the more I think about our baby girls.  I enjoy letting myself getting hopeful. I have allowed myself to look at baby things online, especially on pinterest. I love collecting ideas for a nursery, looking at furniture, and bedding. These things get me so excited for our upcoming transfer. Last night I had a dream I was at my OB/GYN to pick up a book and go to a class because I was entering my third trimester, and they required this of all patients. In the class were several old high school classmates who I haven't seen or talked to in years. But, as we were in the class I was freaking out because I realized I hadn't had an ultrasound the entire pregnancy. Now those of you who have been to a RE know how that would NEVER happen, but in my dream it did.  It was a totally bizarre dream. I'm sure some of this had to do with the fact that my cousin and his wife had a baby yesterd

I was talking to a friend the other day, and she mentioned she saw something on Pinterest that reminded her of me. She couldn't remember exactly what it said, but it was something to the effect of sometimes God takes away things he has given you because they aren't part of the perfect plan He has. I told her I had thought about that with the girls. What if something more serious would have been wrong with them down the road, and losing them during pregnancy is His mercy on me - protecting from an even greater pain. I have no idea if that is the purpose behind our loss, but it has crossed my mind. She asked if it helps me to think of it that way. I told her that the biggest thing that has helped me along in the past year was a thought I had months ago. We were sitting in church one Sunday, and they were talking about the crucifixion. The preacher mentioned how Jesus asked John to take care of his mother as he was dying on the cross. In that moment, something just clicked in my

My period decided to show up today. Yay! Makes me feel much better about this cycle. But, I just had to share this text exchange between Marty & me this morning. Funny how infertility makes you become an open book, and funny how Marty now takes all of my "TMI". This just tickled me this morning, so I thought I would share.

"Step 1" of this FET cycle is done. I did my first Lupron injection last night. Boy, did that make it real. I just about cried, not because of the shot, but because of the reality that we are REALLY going through with this again. It makes me excited, nervous, a touch sad, overall just emotional. I totally was not expecting to have a reaction. But now that the initial shot is over, I feel like it's just routine. I do have one concern with this cycle, but the doctor's office didn't seem to think it was an issue. I had my first labwork done yesterday to check E2 levels. It was day 4 since my last birth control pill, meaning I should have started my period then. Today is day 5  and still no sign of a period. But, the nurse said my E2 level was low enough yesterday (32) that it was ok. I am trusting their advice, but I would feel better if my body reacted the way it should have. I have never had that happen after stopping BCP. I tried researching on Google, but didn&

My box of meds came in last week! Seeing all of the medication and needles pretty much feels like normal life these days. I go in for my first lab appointment next week and will start my Lupron injections that day. I am psyching myself up for the first injection. I cut out all caffeine this week, as I have done the two previous cycles. I am a coffee lover, and I feel like giving it up is a bit harder this time. I am struggling to hold my eyes open. Totally worth it, I know. So here we are, no turning back! I am feeling fairly optimistic about this cycle. Or at least more ready for it. I know looking back I wasn't ready to try again on our second cycle. I was still in SUPER grieving mode, dealing with a lot of guilt, and just not physically ready. This time I in a totally different state of mind. I still miss my babies and wish they were here so I wouldn't have to be going through another IVF cycle so soon, but I think I have accepted that this is what I need to do in order to

I called the doctor this week, and it looks like our next FET will be the week of April 22. A short six weeks from now. There is so much I want to do before we actually do the transfer. The biggest one being painting the future nursery. It is still the color it was when the house was built and we moved in. We never painted it when I was pregnant with the girls because I was waiting to find out the sex of the babies. But, this time around is different. Since I will be on bed rest beginning at 12 weeks, I want to get somethings done before I ever get pregnant so that I can have some part in setting up my child's room. It's those little things I won't be able to do on bed rest that I don't want to miss out on. So, we currently have about 40 shades of beige, brown, gray, and greige taped to the wall of the nursery along with some fabric samples. Even if I don't get pregnant with this FET, I feel like a fresh coat of paint will feel like a fresh start. I would also l

I am two weeks behind on this post because I needed time to myself, and then Marty and I went on vacation. February 25th was Gentry Ann's first birthday, and February 26th was Savannah Elizabeth's first birthday. Due to our work schedules, Marty and I went to the cemetery on the 24th to celebrate our babies' Heavenly birthdays. The weather was amazing, and I think our girls were shining down some extra sunshine on us. We put some balloons on their grave and released 1 pink and 1 purple balloon to Heaven. Happy First Birthday, Gentry & Savannah!

Monday will be one year since our sweet babies went to Heaven. It just doesn't seem real. This time last year I had no idea what was to come. I was blissfully naive and busy planning for my two babies. It is amazing how your world can be turned upside down in just a moment. A year ago I had no idea what an incompetent cervix was - did not even know such a thing existed. And now, here I am a mother to two angels because of IC. My heart has been extra heavy this week thinking of my girls. My two miracle babies taken too soon. I pray they know I much I loved them in the time I had with them, and how I will continue to love them. They will always be my little pumpkins, baby boos, peanuts, little Sullys, and all of the other nicknames we had for them. They will always be my first borns, my daughters, Savannah & Gentry. My angels. This week as I was driving to work, I saw a heart in the clouds. Perhaps a little love from my babies? I know a piece of my heart is forever in the cloud

This morning I saw the prettiest, most vibrantly colored little bluebirds. The were chasing one another in front of my windshield while driving through my neighborhood. I couldn't help by think of my sweet girls and smile. In just 17 days it will be one year. So hard to believe that the time has passed so quickly.

"I sure felt it when ya left Memory button stuck on repeat Mind skippin’ like a record machine Over and over that goodbye scene Keeps spinnin’ in my head"  - Eric Church These lyrics pretty much sum up how it has been lately for me. The closer it gets to the one year mark of losing Gentry & Savannah, the more I think about that day. My mind replays every moment of that day over and over, and the days in the week following. I can remember what was said, what I thought, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. It just won't stop. I don't know if it ever will. Some days I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, some days my test gets so tight I can't breathe, some days I just sob, some days I am too numb to react. Christmas Day was the 10 month anniversary of the girls being born. All I could think about was how we should have our two daughters here with us. Last Christmas we thought we would. I remember that year when I left work before Chr